a hairstylists prayer

(I couldn't find one on line, I guess the Lord wanted to hear what I had to say for myself) Dear Lord I ask you to bless my hands so that I help to bring out the beauty of your creations. I ask you to touch my heart to withstand all the woes that people share with me. I ask to to open my mind to understand that the clients ”a couple of inches” really,means half an inch. I ask you to bless my pocketbook as I push aside market prices for single mothers and college kids to get a break. I ask you to embrace me as my pride is tested and customers leave. I ask you to place a cushion around my feet and fill my belly with ur nourishment as I stand on my feet for hours without Lunch to keep on schedule. I ask that you keep my appointment book full, my patience long and my temper under control. Keep a smile on my,face and joy in my voice and the passion and love of this profession in my heart. But more than all of that, Lord I thank you!,I thank you for all that you have done, for blessing me with the talent. For giving Me strength and endurance. For allowing me to embrace this gift for the past 10yrs and allowing me to be able to weather the storms....the slow months, the difficult clients, staying in the shop til 1am coming back to the shop at 7am, missing family functions, graduations, funerals, all for the love of beauty. The good and the bad. I pray for continuous success and whatever your will is Lord I will follow. In Jesus precious and Almighty name I pray....amen.

5Weeks out

One day up, two days down.

Im 5 weeks out yesterday but still feel like shit!!

I wish I could explain it to ppl who didnt have this surgery. It doesn't matter if ur aunt healed in 2Weeks or ur mother went back to work 3 days after, or ur sisters cousins brothers girlfriend was running a marathon after a month....everybody heals differently. My hormones are all over the place...one minute im laughing, then im cursing everybody out, then im crying...on top of everything I have this overwhelming feeling of loss, depression almost. Im in this house, aggravated all day but when I get to go out im exhausted. I get pains out of nowhere, I can't fit in anything cuz everything is swollen...... This shit is scary! Im not myself, im not comfortable around ppl no more. But how do I explain this when everybody wonders....u dont understand unless u been thru it, and I am so thankful that I have family and friends that have been through it. Im thankful for the support website I found. (im on there almost as much as I am here) of course I cant wait to enjoy the good points of this surgery, but until then I never know whos gonna wake up in my bed, and aint nobody here!,its just me (Kevin hart voice) lol

3Weeks post op

I think I broke my ovary....or something. I dont know. I.just know im in pain, im swollen and im scared.

3Weeks ago I had a supracervical abdominal hysterectomy due to fibroids and andeomyosis. I wasnt listening, ill admit it. The day I came home from the hospital I had to fix my bed railing and catch my air conditioner! (at this time I shouldn't have been lifting ANYTHING) over the next few days I rested, walked around as much as I could and pretty much took it easy. except maybe opening a window or grabbing a water from the bottom of the fridge.

A few days ago I decided to go for a,ride with my mom and sister to Walmart....of course, the handicapped carts were taken or not working. So I had to push the shopping cart. I tried to be,as careful as I could as I grabbed a few groceries. By the time we left the store, not even an hour later I was exhausted and the swelly belly was setting in. that night, I couldn't sleep. I started cleaning, which I shouldnt do. But I couldnt take it anymore....my kids literally clean all,day but its like as soon as its clean, its dirty again. I couldnt take it! The next morning was a fit of emotional rage!!! I honestly dont even remember what threw me off. All I know is I was screaming and crying and throwing things....including my mattress. (im ashamed to even say that. Even though I obviously couldn't move it far I believe I moved it enough to hurt myself) I stayed in bed for the next two days, crying. I was in so much pain and so afraid of what I just did I was beside myself!

I called the doctor,  chalking my emotional rollercoaster up to only getting one hour sleep in 26 hrs. I asked for a prescription to help me,sleep....I was told no. I almost cried on the,phone.

Cut to today....3Weeks, 2days after having my uterus trashed, my remaining organs pulled pushed and,rearranged....I sit here with a swollen lump under the right side of my incision. If I lay down it hurts more. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I got a feeling I will be making a Trip to the er tonight.

When I make it thru this I promise I will be keeping my ass still....completely! Next time I feel like moving furniture ill just lay my depressed ass down and cry it out.

This aint no joke!!!

The shop is closed!

First thing ppl say when I tell them.i.just had a hysterectomy is ”good for you! No more periods!”

Yes that is the best part!!! No more pain from cramps, no more pads, tampons, period panties, praying  it comes while im at home so I dont bleed through my clothes, asking my sister and nieces ”check my butt for me”, headaches, swollen titties, tight fitting clothes, emotional rampages....yes....no period is the best part!!! But..... The best always has a worst side

About 6 or 7 months ago I had cramps so bad I had to call out of work...(I dont do that) I laid in the fetal postion of my bed for the entire morning. Finally I felt a lil better, stood up to get dressed and the pain shot thru me again, forcing me back on the bed in tears. I had never had cramps this bad. Over the next few days the pain subsided little by little. The next month the same thing happened but the pain took longer to go away. I made an appointment to see Dr Bridges (my ob/gyn for the past 12 yrs). after meeting with her it was determined that my fibroids had probably grown and after a ”few” tests and because of my medical background ”down there” I would be a candidate for a hysterectomy. My first thought...”yes!!! No more periods!”

with my first son I developed preeclampsia which turned to toxemia which progressed to HELLP syndrome. after hrs of induced labor with no progression I had to have a c section. After being home a few days a stitch popped and going back to the doctor they found a blood clot the size of a sausage. I was not stitched back up, instead i.was sent home with an open wound, stuffed with gauze pads like a Thanksgiving turkey. For 6 Weeks I had a nurse come to my house twice a day and change my dressing until my abdomen healed, layer by layer. So no question, the doctor didn't want to take any chances with my second son and my pressure so I had a scheduled c section this time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to recover properly because I had to still get my oldest to school eveeyday.... Nobody helped me, so at less than a week old I covered my baby, put him in a carrier and took my c  sectioned belly and got on a public, germ filled bus....btw, with no pain killers BC his father ”forgot” to get my prescription.

I wasnt bothered at first about not being able to have more children...I didnt ”want” the 2 that I have. They just showed up. Everything seemed perfect at first. Then those FEW tests kept mutiplying. More ailments popped up during each one... My pressure was skyrocketing, mind u I was dealing with my fathers illnesses as well and stressing BC I cant get to him. I was checked for enlarged heart, blood clots, had to do a stress test, gave more blood than I did with either of my pregnancies...the whole time, im still trying to maintain who I am and still be Mommy.

My energy dwindled a lil everyday. I stopped being active, I couldn't do anything but rest. Not even sleep. At this time I was in pain almost everyday, not only during that time of month. I would be in the middle of doing someones hair and have to sit down. The doctor gave me a prescription but it didnt stop the pain. Oddly enough, the only time it stopped was when I had a cigarette. I guess because it constricted the blood flow and the fibroids weren't being ”fed”.

People were talking....people always talk but suddenly I was a topic...not because of my mouth this time but people questioned my health. ”if she's sick why is she out?” So I stopped going out. Then even ppl who were supposed to be close to me questioned me. How do u explain to someone that yes I look healthy on the outside but I hurt inside? That majority of this process is emotional....im throwing away what makes me a woman. God created me and by no fault of my own I now have to be recreated..and still smile for the cameras, still crack jokes, still ”be” happy....even when you're depressed as shit!!!

As the time neared for this operation I would cry for days on end.... How am I going to take care of my kids? Im a hairdresser, I dont have disability insurance, I am not on welfare, I am the soul parent and my mother, who helps me tremendously, is on a fixed income. Then, out of nowhere, I realized I would never never never have another child. If I ever get married, thats one thing I can never give my husband. I fell into a deeper depression, so I started to drink more....but in my house, out of the public eye. I switched from my usual bud ice to sangria thinking it was healthier. So I drank alot more, just to get tipsy. Luckily,im told im a happy fun drunk.

Everything u can think of ran thru my head over those next few Weeks. My mother wakes up during her surgeries...what if that happens to me and I freak out on the table. What if I get a blood clot and it travels and I die. what if they cut my bladder and I get infected. What if my pressure drops and I bleed out.....what if....what if....WHAT IF!!! This was my first major surgery, outside of my 2 cesareans. But the difference was I got a baby out of those. I was shook!!! Nervous as hell!!

The morning of the surgery I was fine, to my surprise. I had learned by this time that alot of women in my family (and friends) had hysterectomies for the same reason. I came to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter. I even accepted that I am still a woman, Even without my womanly parts. I had lived with this pain for 7 months now and I was ready for it to end!!

My mother prayed over me one last time as they unlocked the brakes and rolled me to be prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist stuck me in either side of my stomach with these long ass needles...that pain was worse than the fibroid pain. I signed the document saying I understood that I was having a supracervical hysterectomy and I will not bare children, they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out....

When I opened my eyes my best friends, my sister and my mother were right there. As I started my recovery I felt like I was getting my strength back. But I still took my time. Until I got home. My nieces, who were going to help me take care of the boys and the house, were stuck at their house. So I had to be Mommy. With a freshly stitched abdomen I had to fix beds, air conditioners, cook, clean and still had yet to even make a bowel movement. With all the,moving and lifting I ended up popping. I noticed some blood at my incision, but it wasnt alot, so I just rested. But I bled the entire weekend, not realizing how serious it was. Finally I went to the doctor who of course yelled at me. A portion of my incision now has to close on its own (yes, I have a open wound...again).  I am now confined to my bed other than showering and using the bathroom. Ive been following her orders. and im not in as much pain (until the nighttime). But I keep reminding myself, there's alot going on down there. It took God 9 months to build me...its gonna take more than 2 Weeks for me to get back together. They put u on 4-8 Weeks recovery for a reason, and its not because u deserve a vacation!

As of today I am 11 days post op. My multiple fibroids coupled with abnormal uterine tissue is the reason for all the pain I was in.

My customers are calling to see when I will be back and My landlord is calling to see when I will pay the rent. I want to heal...I want to stay on bedrest....I want to follow the doctors orders but what am I supposed to do. So although this shop is closed....ill probably see u IN the shop in about a week or two. these bills dont give a damn if I popped a stitch or if my fallopian tubes are swinging from my vagina....they just want their money.

And as I sit here day by day, the calls slow down..they stop promising to visit. They dont even text anymore. Its back to life as usual for everybody else.....and im stuck here alone. ....

Happy fucking fathers day to me!!

I thought I knew the definition of a deadbeat father.....my father was in and out of prison...but when he was home I do remember him being with us....my oldest sons father is fucktard most times, but he tries to be a good father, even doing for my other son (not his child) when he can.... I watch my male friends try their best to be there for their children...some still end up being treated unfairly by the childrens mothers... I see my brother and nephew step in for my children when their fathers cant or refuse to be there.... nobody has that leave it to beaver family but on my life, I have never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a deadbeat in my life... And it hurts...it hurts for my son to be ignored, not even denied....just ignored... For my 5 yr old to leave messages for his father ”daddy I have a gift for u!” And to hear nothing back....for Justice to KNOW his father and not be able to talk with, spend time with, play fight with his own flesh and blood....not BC daddy works too much, not BC daddy is locked up or dead, not BC mommy drove daddy away.... Simply BC daddy disappeared. Daddy is a deadbeat! he should not have to tell another man ”thank u for being a father to me BC my daddy is a pussy” he should not be telling me his daddy is named Chandrika. I gotta be hard, BC im raising two boys. I gotta teach them how to fight, how to shave.... I gotta send them to their ”uncles” and big cousins to get advice.....its not fair...... If I was one of those bitch ass baby mommas dragging them to court, lying to get extra child support, id understand. Im sick....soon I will physically not be able to provide for my children for awhile and I cant make a call and say ”daddy, justice needs...or justice wants” .....what the fuck am I supposed to do , except suck it up, wipe my tears and fucking hustle while I can.... When I say all we got is us....I mean thats it! All we got is fucking us!!!! Happy fucking fathers day to me!!!! I aint sign up for this shit!

My life

I had a dream that I hit the lottery
Only to awake to life
Kids screaming, mother nagging, egos and condescending comments
I go to work to escape life
I think I'm an alcoholic
It's 10am I got vodka in my coffee
I cry way too much
Tired of stuffing the holes in my shoes
Tired of sleeping in cars
Tired of downgrading my morals
Tired of working too hard
Tired of dodging bill collectors
Tired of financially absent baby father's
Tired of struggling
Don't ask why I drink
Ask why I haven't killed myself yet
A handful of percs
That should do it, a lil ciroc as a chaser
But what about my boys?
they're the only reason I'm here
The reason I fight
The reason why I woke up from that lottery dream
But what good is thanking God for life if u don't want it

when i die

Celebrate life everyday! Laugh at stupid jokes, say hi to ppl u don't like, eat junk food, have a beer..... U never know when ur phone will ring and u hear that voice saying "BABYGIRL IT'S TIME TO COME HOME!" and when I go I want my loved ones to be content knowing I regret nothing, I LIVED my life! Yeah I struggled, I went thru depression, I had issues but thru it all I smiled. And that's what I want y'all to do when I go....don't cry bc I'm gone, smile bc I've finally found joy! Let my kids know that their mother screwed up ALOT but they are my greatest achievements! Tell my mother I know I let her down a million times but I never meant to hurt her. Tell my father I forgave him a long time ago and no matter what he's still my Daddy. Tell Harold and Tiffani they were my rock and pillar in the middle of my destruction and I wish I was a better big sister. Tell Avery and Chantal although we didn't grow up together they are still my brother and sister and I wish our father did right by all of us but the past is the past and they are a part of me. Let my best friends know they were closer to me than my own blood and even when we fought tooth and nail I still loved them. Remind my friends that even if I went yrs without talking to them they never left my heart. Tell my baby's father's I may have hated them at some point but as they lived thru their sons so will I and I'll remind them everyday how much money they owe me! Lol my life was a mess inside of a mess inside of a shithole of a mess but if it wasn't I wouldn't be me.....and I think I'm pretty dope!