i am more than my laugh, a 40 and a blunt!

I really need to start making some changes....I can only be me, i dont know how to be anyone else. But something somebody said hit me hard. He may not have even said it to hurt me or demean me, but thats how I took it. i asked, "why is it that I cant find anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with me?" his answer was that i give off a "party girl vibe" like if you want to have fun, call Chan. You want to drink, smoke, laugh, have a good time, call Chan. And for some odd reason, I always thought that was a good thing. Like, nobody wants to hang around a boring person all day right? And it helps in my job, im an outgoing person. for the majority of my life i have been this way. I dont know how to be different.

Maybe it started when I was young and was teased all the time for being ugly and fat. No boys would date me, so i ended up being the chick that they partied with. hung out with. told me all the problems of their girlfriends. never "the one" just "the one to party with". And i always was fine with it, so i thought. I never thought that being told I like to party would effect me so negatively.

Now im not saying that im gonna stop partying! lol far from it. Thats who I am. but damn, can a sista get some love too?? no matter how much i think like a dude, or talk like a dude, or party like one, im still a lil fat ugly girl at heart, looking for someone to fall head over heels in love with me....im just a girl!

The wave is over

I never had a boyfriend until I was 15. That lasted all of 3 months and I no one else showed any interest until I was 17, a senior in high school. About to graduate and he was friends with my cotillion escort. That summer after graduation I lost my virginity. That summer after graduation I had my heart broken.

I never felt like I was anyone's top choice. I wasn't skinny or pretty or rich. I was just me and it seemed like every guy I was with only wanted one thing from me. So the testosterone in my blood started to kick up and for a long long time I thought and acted just like a man. Anything a man could do, I would do. And dared you to call me outta me name simply because I was female. I mean i was pimping for real. There were times when I literally had dudes thinking they were my boyfriend in 3 different states. True story.

I mean don't get my wrong. I've been in love a few times. It's a wonderful feeling...in the beginning. Then my male-inclined mind reminds me of the game and I start realizing that these dudes I was in love with didn't love me back. Not the way I loved them. So I end it. Quickly. Sometimes it was so abruptly that the guys never knew why or what they did. I just disappear. See me and relationships don't get along. I'm not a fighter. Like, I'll fight in the beginning. For him, for the relationship to last, for anything. But the minute I feel like Im being played I flip.

But I'm getting older now. I have 2 kids. 2 different fathers. Never been married. And believe me, one day, one day.....someday....maybe I want to get married lol or at least have someone who truely wants to spend their life with me. Lately, I've been playing alot of games. Not to intentionally hurt anybody but I got a feeling that somebodys about to get hurt. I still don't know if I've found the right person. But I think I'm done playing. I think I'm ready to find HIM and settle down. I know!! Shut up!! Lol but it's time to start letting some people go and see who's willing to fight for me, for once.