Saturday, November 23, 2013
a hairstylists prayer
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
5Weeks out
One day up, two days down.
Im 5 weeks out yesterday but still feel like shit!!
I wish I could explain it to ppl who didnt have this surgery. It doesn't matter if ur aunt healed in 2Weeks or ur mother went back to work 3 days after, or ur sisters cousins brothers girlfriend was running a marathon after a month....everybody heals differently. My hormones are all over the place...one minute im laughing, then im cursing everybody out, then im crying...on top of everything I have this overwhelming feeling of loss, depression almost. Im in this house, aggravated all day but when I get to go out im exhausted. I get pains out of nowhere, I can't fit in anything cuz everything is swollen...... This shit is scary! Im not myself, im not comfortable around ppl no more. But how do I explain this when everybody wonders....u dont understand unless u been thru it, and I am so thankful that I have family and friends that have been through it. Im thankful for the support website I found. (im on there almost as much as I am here) of course I cant wait to enjoy the good points of this surgery, but until then I never know whos gonna wake up in my bed, and aint nobody here!,its just me (Kevin hart voice) lol
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
3Weeks post op
I think I broke my ovary....or something. I dont know. I.just know im in pain, im swollen and im scared.
3Weeks ago I had a supracervical abdominal hysterectomy due to fibroids and andeomyosis. I wasnt listening, ill admit it. The day I came home from the hospital I had to fix my bed railing and catch my air conditioner! (at this time I shouldn't have been lifting ANYTHING) over the next few days I rested, walked around as much as I could and pretty much took it easy. except maybe opening a window or grabbing a water from the bottom of the fridge.
A few days ago I decided to go for a,ride with my mom and sister to Walmart....of course, the handicapped carts were taken or not working. So I had to push the shopping cart. I tried to be,as careful as I could as I grabbed a few groceries. By the time we left the store, not even an hour later I was exhausted and the swelly belly was setting in. that night, I couldn't sleep. I started cleaning, which I shouldnt do. But I couldnt take it anymore....my kids literally clean all,day but its like as soon as its clean, its dirty again. I couldnt take it! The next morning was a fit of emotional rage!!! I honestly dont even remember what threw me off. All I know is I was screaming and crying and throwing things....including my mattress. (im ashamed to even say that. Even though I obviously couldn't move it far I believe I moved it enough to hurt myself) I stayed in bed for the next two days, crying. I was in so much pain and so afraid of what I just did I was beside myself!
I called the doctor, chalking my emotional rollercoaster up to only getting one hour sleep in 26 hrs. I asked for a prescription to help me,sleep....I was told no. I almost cried on the,phone.
Cut to today....3Weeks, 2days after having my uterus trashed, my remaining organs pulled pushed and,rearranged....I sit here with a swollen lump under the right side of my incision. If I lay down it hurts more. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I got a feeling I will be making a Trip to the er tonight.
When I make it thru this I promise I will be keeping my ass still....completely! Next time I feel like moving furniture ill just lay my depressed ass down and cry it out.
This aint no joke!!!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
The shop is closed!
First thing ppl say when I tell them.i.just had a hysterectomy is ”good for you! No more periods!”
Yes that is the best part!!! No more pain from cramps, no more pads, tampons, period panties, praying it comes while im at home so I dont bleed through my clothes, asking my sister and nieces ”check my butt for me”, headaches, swollen titties, tight fitting clothes, emotional rampages....yes....no period is the best part!!! But..... The best always has a worst side
About 6 or 7 months ago I had cramps so bad I had to call out of work...(I dont do that) I laid in the fetal postion of my bed for the entire morning. Finally I felt a lil better, stood up to get dressed and the pain shot thru me again, forcing me back on the bed in tears. I had never had cramps this bad. Over the next few days the pain subsided little by little. The next month the same thing happened but the pain took longer to go away. I made an appointment to see Dr Bridges (my ob/gyn for the past 12 yrs). after meeting with her it was determined that my fibroids had probably grown and after a ”few” tests and because of my medical background ”down there” I would be a candidate for a hysterectomy. My first thought...”yes!!! No more periods!”
with my first son I developed preeclampsia which turned to toxemia which progressed to HELLP syndrome. after hrs of induced labor with no progression I had to have a c section. After being home a few days a stitch popped and going back to the doctor they found a blood clot the size of a sausage. I was not stitched back up, instead i.was sent home with an open wound, stuffed with gauze pads like a Thanksgiving turkey. For 6 Weeks I had a nurse come to my house twice a day and change my dressing until my abdomen healed, layer by layer. So no question, the doctor didn't want to take any chances with my second son and my pressure so I had a scheduled c section this time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to recover properly because I had to still get my oldest to school eveeyday.... Nobody helped me, so at less than a week old I covered my baby, put him in a carrier and took my c sectioned belly and got on a public, germ filled bus....btw, with no pain killers BC his father ”forgot” to get my prescription.
I wasnt bothered at first about not being able to have more children...I didnt ”want” the 2 that I have. They just showed up. Everything seemed perfect at first. Then those FEW tests kept mutiplying. More ailments popped up during each one... My pressure was skyrocketing, mind u I was dealing with my fathers illnesses as well and stressing BC I cant get to him. I was checked for enlarged heart, blood clots, had to do a stress test, gave more blood than I did with either of my pregnancies...the whole time, im still trying to maintain who I am and still be Mommy.
My energy dwindled a lil everyday. I stopped being active, I couldn't do anything but rest. Not even sleep. At this time I was in pain almost everyday, not only during that time of month. I would be in the middle of doing someones hair and have to sit down. The doctor gave me a prescription but it didnt stop the pain. Oddly enough, the only time it stopped was when I had a cigarette. I guess because it constricted the blood flow and the fibroids weren't being ”fed”.
People were talking....people always talk but suddenly I was a topic...not because of my mouth this time but people questioned my health. ”if she's sick why is she out?” So I stopped going out. Then even ppl who were supposed to be close to me questioned me. How do u explain to someone that yes I look healthy on the outside but I hurt inside? That majority of this process is emotional....im throwing away what makes me a woman. God created me and by no fault of my own I now have to be recreated..and still smile for the cameras, still crack jokes, still ”be” happy....even when you're depressed as shit!!!
As the time neared for this operation I would cry for days on end.... How am I going to take care of my kids? Im a hairdresser, I dont have disability insurance, I am not on welfare, I am the soul parent and my mother, who helps me tremendously, is on a fixed income. Then, out of nowhere, I realized I would never never never have another child. If I ever get married, thats one thing I can never give my husband. I fell into a deeper depression, so I started to drink more....but in my house, out of the public eye. I switched from my usual bud ice to sangria thinking it was healthier. So I drank alot more, just to get tipsy. Luckily,im told im a happy fun drunk.
Everything u can think of ran thru my head over those next few Weeks. My mother wakes up during her surgeries...what if that happens to me and I freak out on the table. What if I get a blood clot and it travels and I die. what if they cut my bladder and I get infected. What if my pressure drops and I bleed out.....what if....what if....WHAT IF!!! This was my first major surgery, outside of my 2 cesareans. But the difference was I got a baby out of those. I was shook!!! Nervous as hell!!
The morning of the surgery I was fine, to my surprise. I had learned by this time that alot of women in my family (and friends) had hysterectomies for the same reason. I came to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter. I even accepted that I am still a woman, Even without my womanly parts. I had lived with this pain for 7 months now and I was ready for it to end!!
My mother prayed over me one last time as they unlocked the brakes and rolled me to be prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist stuck me in either side of my stomach with these long ass needles...that pain was worse than the fibroid pain. I signed the document saying I understood that I was having a supracervical hysterectomy and I will not bare children, they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out....
When I opened my eyes my best friends, my sister and my mother were right there. As I started my recovery I felt like I was getting my strength back. But I still took my time. Until I got home. My nieces, who were going to help me take care of the boys and the house, were stuck at their house. So I had to be Mommy. With a freshly stitched abdomen I had to fix beds, air conditioners, cook, clean and still had yet to even make a bowel movement. With all the,moving and lifting I ended up popping. I noticed some blood at my incision, but it wasnt alot, so I just rested. But I bled the entire weekend, not realizing how serious it was. Finally I went to the doctor who of course yelled at me. A portion of my incision now has to close on its own (yes, I have a open wound...again). I am now confined to my bed other than showering and using the bathroom. Ive been following her orders. and im not in as much pain (until the nighttime). But I keep reminding myself, there's alot going on down there. It took God 9 months to build me...its gonna take more than 2 Weeks for me to get back together. They put u on 4-8 Weeks recovery for a reason, and its not because u deserve a vacation!
As of today I am 11 days post op. My multiple fibroids coupled with abnormal uterine tissue is the reason for all the pain I was in.
My customers are calling to see when I will be back and My landlord is calling to see when I will pay the rent. I want to heal...I want to stay on bedrest....I want to follow the doctors orders but what am I supposed to do. So although this shop is closed....ill probably see u IN the shop in about a week or two. these bills dont give a damn if I popped a stitch or if my fallopian tubes are swinging from my vagina....they just want their money.
And as I sit here day by day, the calls slow down..they stop promising to visit. They dont even text anymore. Its back to life as usual for everybody else.....and im stuck here alone. ....
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Happy fucking fathers day to me!!
I thought I knew the definition of a deadbeat father.....my father was in and out of prison...but when he was home I do remember him being with us....my oldest sons father is fucktard most times, but he tries to be a good father, even doing for my other son (not his child) when he can.... I watch my male friends try their best to be there for their children...some still end up being treated unfairly by the childrens mothers... I see my brother and nephew step in for my children when their fathers cant or refuse to be there.... nobody has that leave it to beaver family but on my life, I have never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a deadbeat in my life... And it hurts...it hurts for my son to be ignored, not even denied....just ignored... For my 5 yr old to leave messages for his father ”daddy I have a gift for u!” And to hear nothing back....for Justice to KNOW his father and not be able to talk with, spend time with, play fight with his own flesh and blood....not BC daddy works too much, not BC daddy is locked up or dead, not BC mommy drove daddy away.... Simply BC daddy disappeared. Daddy is a deadbeat! he should not have to tell another man ”thank u for being a father to me BC my daddy is a pussy” he should not be telling me his daddy is named Chandrika. I gotta be hard, BC im raising two boys. I gotta teach them how to fight, how to shave.... I gotta send them to their ”uncles” and big cousins to get advice.....its not fair...... If I was one of those bitch ass baby mommas dragging them to court, lying to get extra child support, id understand. Im sick....soon I will physically not be able to provide for my children for awhile and I cant make a call and say ”daddy, justice needs...or justice wants” .....what the fuck am I supposed to do , except suck it up, wipe my tears and fucking hustle while I can.... When I say all we got is us....I mean thats it! All we got is fucking us!!!! Happy fucking fathers day to me!!!! I aint sign up for this shit!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
My life
I had a dream that I hit the lottery
Only to awake to life
Kids screaming, mother nagging, egos and condescending comments
I go to work to escape life
I think I'm an alcoholic
It's 10am I got vodka in my coffee
I cry way too much
Tired of stuffing the holes in my shoes
Tired of sleeping in cars
Tired of downgrading my morals
Tired of working too hard
Tired of dodging bill collectors
Tired of financially absent baby father's
Tired of struggling
Don't ask why I drink
Ask why I haven't killed myself yet
A handful of percs
That should do it, a lil ciroc as a chaser
But what about my boys?
they're the only reason I'm here
The reason I fight
The reason why I woke up from that lottery dream
But what good is thanking God for life if u don't want it
when i die
selfish
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Loving Him Is Killing Me.....Speak Out Against Domestic Violence
I'm not gonna get into the statistics and all that other boring stuff, instead to drive the point home, im gonna tell you a story.
I, as some of you may know, am a product of domestic violence. Whether you are the abuser, the abused or the friend or family member of a victim there is one thing that you should think about above all, the babies.
You have to understand that the children in these situations are just as abused, even if they never get physically hurt.
See, being the oldest and the one who most closely resembled my mother I experienced a lot of animosity, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Mind you my father never laid a hand on me.
My earliest memory is when I was 3 yrs old and my mother had me in the bathroom, shielding me from seeing my father getting his ass kicked by my aunts at a family cookout, because he had the bright idea to hit my mother in front of her whole family.
I saw my mother go through things that no child should ever see. One time he hit her in the head with a hammer outside of our apartment building. She drive to the Police Station with blood dripping down her face and was told that she couldn't file a report because the person that handles that was out and besides they didn't see him do it so it was out of their hands.
I was the one who had to sneak out of the house to call the cops. Hoping that I got back to the apartment before he did.
Like every other woman in the world I wondered why my mother didn't just leave and vowed never to have a man put his hands on me that way.
See I was being beat up mentally everytime I saw her beat physically. But I was a kid, I couldn't very well leave on my own.
What I didn't know at the time was that my father threatened my mother that if she left he would kill her, us kids and her family. And he could very capable of it.
She would send us to our grandparents on the weekends to get a break, but we always had to come home.
One day, for a variety of reasons and issues that have nothing to do with this story the feds came and deported my father, that's what saved us.
As we grew, my sister and I, my brother was still very young so he was spared a lot of the drama, it was hard to maintain a decent relationship with a man.
And I broke my vow to never have a man put his hands on me the way my father did my mother.
My self-esteem was so low from the mental and psychological abuse I endured that I didn't think I could get anybody better.
I also justified that because I fought back it wasn't abuse.
It wasn't until after I got pregnant that I started to wake up and realize that the cycle was starting.
I refused to bring a child into this world to grow up the way I did.
When I was 6 months pregnant I was choked unconscious. Constantly spat on, degraded and debased. I went to the hospital for a busted lip and a broken nose.
The restraining order didn't stop him. Moving out didn't stop him.
What every little girl dreams of, marrying a man like her father, became my nightmare.
I finally was able to leave him but the mental abuse still continues. Only now, I don't feed into it, which is his power.
My son will never be able to tell a story like this because I stopped the cycle.
I say all of that to say this, people will always have problems in their relationships. But there is never an excuse to be violent. The children can be scarred for life . I know I am.
This story may not mean anything to you, but if I helped one person make a life or death decision, I've done my job.
Please, if you or anyone know is being abused, get help!
ok, now for the boring stuff lol ....
www.cutitout.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE
CUT IT OUT (Salons Against Domestic Violence) is a program of the Salons Against Domestic Abuse Fund dedicated to mobilizing salon professionals and others to fight the epidemic of domestic abuse in communities across the United States. CUT IT OUT builds awareness of domestic abuse and trains salon professionals to recognize warning signs and safely refer clients to local resources.
Domestic abuse is:
o a pattern of violent and coercive tactics committed by one intimate partner against another.
o a pattern of controlling behavior that consists of physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse or assaults.
o a learned pattern of behavior.
o impactive to all those around the adult and child victim: family, friends, and co-workers.
While most perpetrators are men, it is important to remember that most men are not perpetrators.
Signs that a client or someone you know may be abused:
One sign does not prove abuse. However, a combination of them, or repeated signs, may indicate abuse.
o Bruising in different stages of healing, especially if the bruising is in areas not usually seen by others, such as the scalp
o Bald spots indicating hair has been torn or pulled out
o Frequent injuries, especially with unusual explanations
o Injuries not seen but indicated by general mobility difficulties due to soreness, tenderness, bruising
o Isolation from friends and family
o Low self-esteem, a sense that she doesn't deserve better treatment
o Self-blame or unrealistic guilt ("It's my fault, I shouldn't have made him mad.")
o Partner always accompanies client to appointments or waits outside in the parking lot
o Fear of the partner, insecurity about his actionsYou may also notice the following behavior:
o The partner dictates the frequency of her salon visits
o The partner will not allow her to change her hair color or style
o The partner is controlling or excessively jealous
What can you do if a client or someone you know is being abused?
o Believe the person who tells you that she is being abused. Her abuser may have her convinced that she is at fault or that she doesn't deserve better treatment.
o Keep whatever she tells you confidential. Her life may be at stake.
o Gently guide her to find help. Suggest that she contact her local domestic violence agency or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Suggest that she needs to consult a qualified, objective third party.
o Don't try to fix the problem for her or become her counselor – your local domestic violence agency is staffed with trained personnel to counsel victims and help to ensure their safety. All have access to a shelter or safe house. Don't put yourself in harm's way or increase the danger for the victim by getting in the middle.
Help others to understand that domestic violence is absolutely, totally unacceptable and usually escalates over time. Have the number of your local agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (1-800-799-SAFE) handy.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Where do broken hearts go?
I was with this guy, no it wasnt very long, but it was very serious, or so I thought. Then one day out of the blue he tells me, ” we cant be together no more!”
Everything was as close to perfect as it couldve been for me. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, my prince charming...little did I know he was just another toad begging to be kissed.
I should've known something wasn't right because it was too perfect. When I told him I wanted to wait for sex, he respected my wishes. He told me he was a christian and even had a whole story concocted about how God came to him and how he was anointed. He wanted to meet my family. He acted like he loved my kids. My baby, Justice latches on to no one, not even the family, but he was hooked on this guy. He met my pastor and even went as far as asking her for relationship counseling after our first major argument. He introduced me to everyone as his fiancee and he was the first to speak of marriage. He would feed feed me, not allow me to walk across the street much less home from work, he spoiled me rotten! He had everybody fooled.
It just so happened that my sons father started some trouble and that was his excuse to leave me. For once I glad the asshole tried to destroy my relationship bc I probably never wouldve found out all the other bullshit.
After he returned the cell phone I purchased him, I saw several, not one, not two several messages from females he has been dealing with....all of them being fed the same bullshit he was feeding me. a couple of them he was ” engaged” to, a few were in love with him, at least 2 defended everything he has done and vowed to never leave him.
When I finally calm down enough to sanely ask him questions he replies with no remorse, ” im sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings”.....what??? What about my kids? What about my family and friends? What did I do to deserve to be treated likd a pawn in some sick twisted love game?
Everybody is telling me its for the best, that im lucky I found out now and not after time was invested....but im hurt, still. I am not easy to give my heart away because I always get hurt. I damn sure dont get my kids involved. Nobodyeets my family. And no one has names. This dude stole everything from me! But I cant even calling it stealing, he tricked my heart away from me through his lies and deceptions. The worst part is that not only did he break my heart he is allowing his friends to tarnish my name by saying im a trouble maker and cause drama! So not,only do I have to try and piece together a heart that has been crushed and shredded, I have to regain and repolish my reputation at the same time.
My first instinct is to smack him with a 2x4 but hes not worth me going to jail and losing my kids. If he was on fire, I wouldn't spit on him!
They tell me, when the right one comes along ill know it.....I honestly believed he was it. He had all the qualities ive been praying for. He was so good with his bullshit my mother, pastor and uncle fell for it too!
Will I heal? Im sure I will. Will I trust again? Never!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Chasing love in the desert
Have you ever watched the nature channel or animal planet? I love watching lions. They are so majestic to me. I've even found myself more physically attracted to men who are leos. But to watch the king of the jungle hunt is a sight that fixes me and amazes me each and everytime. When a lionness is hunting, she'll lay in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce and take her opponent down. But there are times when she is just practicing or training her cubs how to fend for themselves. Its those times that I identify myself with now. A lioness will sit and watch, just as if she was going to bring the prize home to her babies. But she doesnt really want this particular trophy, she just wants to play. She'll chase the poor animal, running in circles, nipping at his heels, laughing to herself. Then every once in awhile, the prey grows tired of the chase and thinks he's not in any real danger, so he'll slow down, just enough. he'll turn his head in a taunting manner, he may even rear back and try to charge at his persuer. But that is when the queen of the jungle changes her mind and basically says "fuck it! Who does this dude think he is?? I'm playing with him, he cant play with me!" And her hind legs gain a little more power. her gaze is focused now. she has decided to go in for the kill, only because she feels rejected and toyed with. She pounces on him! Digs her razor sharp teeth into his flesh, tosses his body to and fro, claws at his torso and jugular until there is nothing left in him to fight back. And then, after she has achieved what would seem like the ultimate goal, her trophy, she licks her lips, and struts away, tail swaying behind her. leaving the mangled mess of a body for the scavengers to take care of.
Thats how i feel with men. I have over and over done the same thing as the lioness. I see what i want to have fun with and ill play with him, ill spend time with him, ill make him feel special, only because its ultimately all about me. I give him all of my attention, not necessarily because i like him or he deserves it but because i want the same attention back. I have even gone as far as to make a man believe that im in love with him, when i know im just using him to fill my own emotional void. When he becomes comfortable with the situation and he thinks, "Chan's not going anywhere",he begins to run a lil slower, He may even feel comfortable disrespecting me, or thinking hes using me, he's turning his head back at me now..."i know u not gonna do nothing" When he decides im crowding his space and working his nerves and turns full face towards me to reject my advances and my "love" for him, i get a lil more power...my gaze is focused....but when i pounce i tear down everything i built up for him....i take away his security, his contentness, his thought that he has the upper hand in the situation. I break him down emotionally, financially, mentally, and sometimes physically if i have to...and then, when im done playing and teaching him a lesson, i walk away and leave the leftovers for some other woman to put together.
Its all about the chase, once i got you, i dont want you anymore.
Am i proud of the way i am? not neccessarily. I have done some really cruel things and played with alot of emotions. but at least i can acknowledge that it was all to feed my own ego and emotional voids. Will I ever change? I dont know....As for my new friend that I so easily bonded with, She told her husband that she was not going to be faithful, so they are now separated. She knows that she, just as I can probably never ever have a full, meaningful and lasting relationship with any one man. because once it get to that point, the chase is over.....and then what do we do?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
te amo mas hoy que ayer....
"Miguelito, quien es? (Who is that?)"
"Some guy applying for the warehouse. Why?"
"Just asking."
Miguel laughed.
I was one of only a few natural born english speaking employees, so i got a chance to practice my spanish and even learned a lil russian. But miguel, who i called my hermanoso (big brother) always tried to make me speak in strictly spanish. So when i met juancarlos it came in handy since he had just moved to newark from puerto rico. Because i worked in the main office and the shipping dept i would see him regularly. We always got to work about the same time and had lunch with each other and the other workers a few times. Because we were both younger than most of the other workers they always tried to get us together and tease us saying we were esposos (married).
One day i was typing up shipping labels and he came into the room. The door was already closed but he kept looking out the window. I asked him what was wrong with him. And he asked for miguel. "Hes in the warehouse i think." Juancarlos left and miguel came in a few minutes later. Laughing. "Que pasa miguelito?" He was laughing so hard he was red. "Shanita, u got an admirer!" "Who? And why is that so funny???" "Porque he no want to tell you. He's... .como se dice? Shy." "Shy? Who? Juanito?" Now im laughing. At the time i was 5'7" about 185lbs. Juancarlos was about 5'3" maybe 135lbs!!! Just the visual alone was hilarious.
Eventually Juancarlos came back into the office. Again i was alone, he sits up on the desk and smiles at me. "What?" I tried to sound aggravated but he was just so cute, even cuter now that i knew he liked me. He proceeded to tell me in spanglish (a mix of english and spanish) about his crush. "I had a dream about u. U were dancing for me. U looked so nice. Then we kissed and i woke up." I wanted to make sure i understood him correctly. So i repeated it back to him. I heard him right. We both just started laughing. A few days later it was raining and juanito asked me for a ride home. Of course miguel and another worker were standing there watching.
I pull up to his house in my honda and my hand is resting on the gear shift. He places his hand on top of mine and says to me in spanish "the way u hold this i want u to hold something else." Oh really! He leaned over and kissed me. It just felt right. Never mind that i had a boyfriend, never mind that he had a wife back in PR. At that moment, and every moment after he was mine and i was his.
We continued our affair for a few months,sneaking off at lunch, spending saturdays together, naively thinking it was our lil secret. One day he called and told me he was moving with his brother in georgia. My heart stopped. His last day at work he came into my office. "Mi amor, ya me voy" that was it.
Months went by without a word from him. Then one day the phone rang. "Hola mi amor." My face lit up. Then i had to tell him i was pregnant...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Come back to Jamaica
He has never met my father, never spoken to him, never even seen a picture, but he loves his "Grandpoppy" just like he raised him. Jonathan has asked why he wasn't around, and I am always honest with my kids. I told him, Grandpoppy wasn't a very nice man when he was younger and he was really mean to Mema. He wasn't a citizen of this country so when Grandpoppy got into really big trouble they sent him back to Jamaica and he can't come see us, so maybe one day we'll go to see him. About every month or so, Jonathan asks "when we are we going to see Grandpoppy?" lol
About 2 weeks ago, my father's other son, Avery called as well. Again, it was Jonathan and Justice's first time talking to him. It was so cute, because anyone who knows Justice, knows he hasn't perfected his pronunciation yet. He has a few words that he says extrememly clearly, like, "No","Eat","Pee","Cece" and "Addie" and can sing more clearly than he will speak. But when he got on the phone with my brother he said clear as day "Hi Uncle Avery!!" Avery's picture is hanging up in my living room, so my boys know what he looks like.
I haven't seen him since he was about 2. We kinda just wrote him off because he was a child from outside of my mother and father's marriage. My brother Harold hasn't even acknowledged Avery Or my dad as being in existence, much less being blood relatives. My sister and I have forgiven Daddy and accepted our brother and sister, but I sense even she has her reservations about the situation.
Avery is one year older than Harold and he hasn't seen our father since he was about 3 either. We always tend to forget that, it's not that Daddy abandoned any of us, he was deported and didn't have a chance to bond with his sons. And neither Avery nor Chantal asked to be in this situation anymore than Harold, Tiffani or myself did. Why should I punish my blood for something they had no control over?
Like I said, Harold doesnt talk about Daddy, Avery, Chantal, not even the country of Jamaica. So he and I have never had a heartfelt conversation about it, like I have had with Tiffani and Avery. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I cant speak for him, at all but i know how i felt all of those years. Hopefully, one day he'll come around and at least be willing to write them.
Avery is so much like Harold it's scary. (Aside from the criminal aspects) They both look just like my father, except Avery is lighter. They both rap. They're both cocky. (Avery told me that his brother can't see him on the mic) And they both are very loving and protective. Especially of me. I can almost guarantee that if Avery was home, he and Harold would be best friends, I promise you. Avery wants so bad to be in touch with Harold, but he understands why Harold won't allow it. He sounds so broken when he talks about what could have been with Harold. He even boasts to the other prisoners about his lil brother that's he's never seen.
It hurts my heart to know that I may never see my (half)brother. Because of whatever actions he made, he may be in prison for a long time and I dont visit jail. Especially if i'd have to travel 4 or 5 hrs to do it. But I make sure that i write to him and accept his calls.
I try to respect my mother by not talking to her about my father and his kids. When Avery was first trying to get in contact with us through my Uncle Jonah and cousin Brian, I sat down with my mother and asked her how she felt about it. She said it doesnt matter to her if I contacted him, but I really have the feeling that she feels some type of way about it. And can anyone blame her?
My father asked me to write a letter to the department of immigration asking for him to have a temporary visa so that he can come and visit us. Part of me wanted to tell him, "get the fuck outta here" because, even though I forgave him, I cannot forget what he put our family through. But then again part of me wants to see him, hug him, laugh with him, go out to lunch, take care of him, be his daughter. I dont know what I should do.
I dont want to disrespect my mother. I dont want to disrespect my father either, but when it comes down to it, my mother has always been my dad so she gets 2 votes. No matter how much it hurts me, she comes first. So, I'm saving up for my trip to Jamaica next year....
Monday, March 28, 2011
I gave in once....
"what? how u figure that?"
"because, before I met your dad, I was about to marry him."
"and what happened?"
**New Years Day 1995**
It was exceptionally warm. I remember, because I was wearing a skirt, and decided to walk home from night out in Irvington. I cut across the park and saw this guy playing with his pitbull. The dog started to run towards me, I could tell she was a puppy, and I'm not afraid of dogs anyway so I didn't jump.
"Venaca! Venaca!"
I look up confused, because he didn't look latin, I knew I was latin, so i figured he wasn't telling me to come here, so i figured by the way he was demanding that his dog must have understood Spanish.....1 point for him! (I've always loved the spanish language so just the thought that in the heat of the moment someone can flip and start speaking in another tongue drove me crazy!)
"Hablas espanol?"
"un poquito"
"that's dope, whats the dogs name?"
We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers and i continued my walk home. Not even really expecting to hear from him.
A few days later he calls and we talk on the phone for awhile. You know how you sit on the phone and talk to somebody for hours and don't even realize how long you've been on the phone for? yeah, like that! And he was a Scorpio too!.....2 points!
But that is the reason, to this day that I don't trust Scorpios! I know it's sort of hypocritical, but every scorpio I have ever been with is amazing in bed, but a complete dog! The weird thing is that I stay friends with them, but never ever have an interest in a relationship. All because of this dude!
Bobby had a daughter, no problem, but his baby's mother was crazy. She lived in south jersey though, so she and I never had a run in, actually, when we did meet, she had no problems with me....i guess crazy, recognized crazy lol He lived in his mother's house, with her and his 2 brothers. His mother was a Jehovah's Witness and disabled, so he pretty much took care of her, since his older brother was in the streets and the younger one was still in school at the time. He was very charismatic, he won over my friends, my sister, even my mother!! which, in and of itself is a miracle.....3 points!
We dated off and on for a few years, like I said he was a dog....His mother used to always call me "Dawn", but i never thought anything of it, because people mess my name up all the time. after awhile, i stopped correcting her. Then one day I had a dream that Bobby was in a large swimming pool with this light skinned girl with short blonde hair, and I kept trying to get him out of the pool and he wouldn't get out. I was really into my dreams back then, so i looked up "pool, water, swimming" and something came up that dreams about water meant sex!! (Now whether that interpretation is true or not, i dont know, but it was enough of an explanation for me!) I brought it to his attention, of course he dismissed it. I described the girl in my dream to his mother, she never said a thing. So one day, I decided to pop up at the house unannounced. I walk in and there's this girl sitting in the living room, light-skinned with short blonde hair. I looked at her, looked at bobby's lil brother and went to say hi to his mother. His brother came to me in the kitchen as i was doing the dishes and tried to tell me the girl was there for him, that Bobby had went out with lil Bobby and Ed and wouldn't be back for a few hours. Apparently "Dawn" was sitting there waiting for him too.
That was the first time we broke up. After that, I never trusted him fully but i by that time I had already fallen in love. And when I love someone I will fight to keep them in my life....I hate that part of myself. But I loved visiting Bobby, because he lived right around the corner from Redman's mother, so I would see Redman all the time...(Yall know I love me some Reggie Noble!) lol and all of Bobby's friends were cool and seemed to like having me hanging out with them. I never nagged Bobby, especially not in front of his boys, I just chilled. Well, one day I found out just how much his friends liked having me around. I was in the hall, talking to one of his friends. He was about 5'10", maybe 160-170 lbs, all muscle, light skin, gorgeous face, pretty eyes....but that's my man's boy, I could never look at him as anything else but. But apparently, he didnt have the same code of ethics. He leanded me against the wall and before I even knew what was going on, he had kissed me right on my mouth! I pushed him off and told him if he didnt leave right now, I was going to get Bobby and have him kick his ass. So he left, but i kinda wished i had it in me to kiss him back....
Bobby was just like me, we had a ball together all the time...no matter what one of us wanted to do, whether it was playing laser tag or bar hopping we were always down. once we went to the Gordon Elliott Show (yeah, that long ago) and the topic was "College kids who drink too much" We sat right in the front row, with our Drew University sweatshirts on and in between commercials, we were trying to get the college kids to come back to newark and party with us, just cuz they were cool. well, after the show, which was filmed up near columbus circle, we went to the liquor store, rolled up and took a walk around the city.....not realizing that not only could you not smoke on the streets of NY, not only that you couldn't drink on the streets of NY even if it is in a plastic cup but we had no idea that the Police station was right there! We're standing there and all of a sudden all of these people just surround us. As i look I start to see the badges sticking out from their plain clothes. Oh shit!!! I had a full cup of vodka in my hand, I turned and downed the whole thing in one gulp. WE explain to the cops that we were from Jersey and just came from the Gordon Elliott Show and when we told them what the topic of the show was, they just laughed. all we got was a ticket, but i'll never forget it.
It was close to Christmas, I remember, because we had just came from seeing the preacher's wife with Denzel and Whitney and we went to dinner at one of the italian restaurants in Madison. It was a really nice night. We went home and laid in the bed, talking. Out of the blue, he asks "Would you marry me?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"No I mean, Would you marry me?"
"You bugging!! where are we gonna live? with your mother or mine?"
"Chan, I'm serious." and he looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes. "i dont have a ring right now, but I can get you one."
"I dont care about a ring, baby."
"So? will you marry me?"
"Yes."
One day, after they moved to Hillside, I was spending the night at the house, helping to take care of his mother because he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. So the phone rings and I answer it.
"Is Bobby there?" I could tell she was a hoodrat by her accent.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"His girlfriend!"
I laughed and immediately went into defense mode
"Oh," I said very calmly "and WHICH girlfriend is this?" she said her name "Ok, well, blah blah blah, This is is fiancee but I wil definitely make sure he gets your message. Have a goodnight!"
I surprised myself with how calm I was. thats when I realized that when I get to the point where I'm fed up and I cant take anymore, that I stop caring. I tell dudes all the time, as long as i'm screaming, yelling and throwing things, i still care. When I stop doing all those things it means I've given up. but anyway....Bobby came home and I was sitting in the room with his mother. He came and kissed me on the cheek. I waited about 10 minutes and said,
"Oh! Babe, you had a phone call earlier."
"who was it?"
"your girlfriend." I said it matter of factly, his whole face changed.
We went into the kitchen and argued for a min, back and forth, he cried and cried. I left that night, and didnt speak to him for 3 days. When I finally did speak to him, I was drunk and decided I was done. So I ended everything. I was so distraught, maybe not so much over losing him but rather the time i wasted, that I started drinking extra heavy. All i would eat was popcorn, drink pepsi, heinekens and smoke. I lost so much weight, people thought I was sick. I ran into him a couple of times after it was all over, and we still greet each other like it was yesterday. but that's where it stops.
**Last week**
"And what happened?"
"Nothing, we just broke up that's all. And then I met your dad and we had you!"
"And it was happily ever after right?" My oldest son smiled.
"yep, happily ever after."
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Phone test video
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Fuck Love, I'm tired of trying
I'll admit, I am not the easiest person to get along with. As a friend, yeah, i'm great! lol but as a girlfriend? not so much. See, when I love, I love hard! I mean, I have literally given all that I've had to make sure whoever he is, is happy. I mean, I give up money, my heart, my emotions, I give him absolutely everything. Because I honestly believe that a man is the head of the family. and when I love someone, even in a friendship, i consider that person family. So I feel as though the head of the family, the man should respect the woman and she should uplift the man.... Now herein lies the problem, lol because I would be uplifting but not getting the respect.
And i know it's not always because the man is a jackass from the beginning. Although, quite a few times, that was the case. But I know I can push men away very easily. I tend to become overly protective, which somehow always comes off as jealousy lmao! I also become quite combative when I don't feel as though I'm getting the respect that I deserve. That part I blame on my parents. We grew up in a fighting household. And after my first school fight, which happened to be with a boy, my father told me to wait 2 weeks, when the boy wasn't thinking about it and then smack him with a 2x4! (Thank God I didnt listen to him lol) but I never really was taught how to love. Everything was always a fight.
On top of everything else, I'm a big ass crybaby! This is why I dont argue. Because once i started getting emotional people take it as a sign of weakness, instead of what it really is, a warning. If I start crying, look out! Cause my next move is to pick up a bottle, a shoe or a 2x4 and smack somebody! lol I laugh now, cause when I sit back and watch my actions, I can see how animated and over the top and entertaining I can be. But when I'm in the midst of it, the shit is not funny to me at all.
But anyway, Because of my own actions, and because I have a habit of picking assholes over nice guys all the time (another blog for another day) I always end up by myself. Alone. Lonely.
And I know, I have my kids, but its not the same thing. Sometimes, I just want someone to be there to hold me at night, to hold my hand in the movies, to tell me they love me, and mean it. BUt I havent had that in a long time. And the sad part is that I've gotten used to my life this way.
Yes, it's great not to NEED a man for anything. I dont have to answer any questions, dont have to explain anything. but I''m tired of one night love affairs and lowering my standards just to have an inkling of romance for a few minutes.
So, yeah, Fuck Love.....hopefully Mr. Right will come along before my heart complete turns to stone.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Pregnancy Sucks....or maybe its just me
With both of my boys i had to have c-sections and they were both very stressful pregnancies and surgeries. I recently started thinking about trying to have a girl, even though i never really wanted a girl, but i guess because im getting older she keeps popping in my head. i mentioned this imaginary daughter to a friend of mine and he told me "you're damn near 40 why would you want a baby? And then all your kids will have different fathers!" he doesn't know it but that really hurt me. i know im the first one to proclaim a fight with any child but i really do love children. (Don't tell them that) and i guess since i've had so much trouble, i just want one blissful, drama free pregnancy. Or at least one where someone will give me a seat on the bus.
with Jonathan i was being abused throughout the pregnancy. My pressure was high. I was on bedrest from 6 months. And when i was 8 months pregnant the doctors decided it was time for Jay to come out. I didnt want a cesaeran. But after, i honestly dont know how many hrs, with no progress and my sickness (HELLP Syndrome) setting in and making me sicker, i had no choice.i was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia but by the time i was strapped up to the machines and ready to deliver my pressure kept rising, but my blood platelets were dropping in addition to my liver being effected. If i had given natural birth, they told me there was a chance I'd bleed to death, because they may not be able to control the blood. I was heartbroken. I felt like less of a mother because i didn't push him out. During the surgery, his father didnt hold my hand, he didnt stroke my hair, he didnt kiss me, he didnt even look at me. I was in and out of conscienceness due to all the medication. All i remember is hearing my firstborn cry, then waking up in the recovery room. I couldn't breastfeed him because i still had so many drugs in my system, i was afraid it would pass through my milk. I cant even tell u to this day what time he was born without looking on his birth certificate. I dont know how long i labored before they decided to cut me. thats how much drugs were in me! Then he developed jaundice and had to stay in the hospital. that was the only time i cried, when the doctor told me he wasnt going home with me. (It was only one extra day, but it felt like forever) His great grandmother told me that it was my fault he had jaundice because i didnt breastfeed him. Talk about guilt! when he finally did come home, i never got the chance to bond with him. I had serious complications with my incision, one day, while trying to scoot back on the bed i popped a staple. And thank God i did! I went to the dr, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she found a blood clot the size of a sausage in there! After that my incision had to be left open and stuffed with gauze. I was literally walking around with my stomach wide open! I had to have a nurse come twice a day and clean out my wound and re-stuff me. It was scary as hell! I couldnt even pick my baby up. My mother, brother and his father had to do everything for me. We never got the mom and baby time. as soon as i was well i had to go back to work and he was in daycare from the time he was 6 wks old. I never got to bond with my baby.
Now Justice was a different story. With him i wasnt being abused physically but i had absolutely no support. everyone wanted me to have an abortion, i was threatened by Jonathans father that he was gonna kick me in my stomach. Justice's father didnt talk to me until i was 5 months pregnant, once i told him he was having a son. before that time, i was told my one of the doctors in the practice that i had a miscarriage and needed a D&C because they couldnt find his heartbeat. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and made a deal with God that if he let my baby be healthy i'd give him back to him. obviously they found his heartbeat but then other problems arose. because of the complications i had with Jay the original ob/gyn wanted me to have an amnio and if i decided to keep the baby i was told id still probably have to have another surgery. I started bleeding in my 7th month and had to run more tests. I went on bedrest in my 8th month this time. We had a scheduled c-section so i wasnt too shocked. But his father wasnt there. He dropped me off at the hospital and said "call me when the boy gets here". My sister was in the delivery room with me. the surgery was quick and i was awake for the whole thing. I went in at 10am and Justice was here at 10:56am. I was able to see him, i was able to kiss him, i told him "welcome to the world Mookie. I fight kids!" i took pics with him. when i recovered i tried breastfeeding but he wouldnt latch on. But i tried. I wasnt groggy or high or hopped up on painkillers. He slept in the room with me majority of the night. I was strong enough to take care of him. When we got home was the only time i cried with him. I was in so much pain and his father kept forgetting my percosets prescription. I was alone with him and his brother. Because Jonathans father was trying to make my life miserable and Justice's father wasnt being bothered, i had to bring my baby on crowded buses to bring Jay to school before Justice was even a week old. He stayed in that kangaroo pouch on my chest for a good 3 months. I bonded with Justice because i had no other choice. I took the summer off from work so that i could spend more time with big brother. I didnt want him feeling neglected because of the new baby. Justice has never been to daycare, because i couldnt afford it. I dont work in the same industry and just couldnt handle the weekly payments alone. He's been home with me his whole life. the same friend who asked about me having a baby at 40 tells me 'u baby that boy, he's too big for that!" when i say i still rock him to sleep. Like clockwork, at 9:30 Justice climbs in my lap and i lull him to sleep. Yeah he gets babied cuz he wasnt supposed to be here but he is!
As much as i dont like kids, apparently they dont like me either cuz they keep trying to kill me during my pregnancies lol yeah pregnancy sucks! having your stomach cut open twice sucks. Healing from a c-section with ur belly wide open or no pain killers sucks monkey balls! But if i could do it right, just once.....just one time where i can enjoy the pleasures of growing a person....the attention...being able to eat whatever i want...the maternity clothes...feeling ur baby have the hiccups or seeing ur belly poke when he stretches....knowing your baby's sleeping habits before you can see his face.....just one more chance.
But then again, i AM almost 40. I already have 2 different baby daddys. (Who both haved stepped up and take excellent care of their sons) I'm already judged and criticized and been made into another negative stereotyped statistic. I guess ME having a baby doesnt fit into what SOCIETY thinks I should do....
