Another hole in my head!

ok, so i was just researching microdermal piercings. I went to have my labret pierced (the area of my lip right above my chin) and saw one of the workers at the shop with piercing right next to her eye, like she was crying diamonds. I thought it was sooooooo dope!! So I asked the price, started looking to see how it was put in. (a small piece of ur skin is removed and an anchor is placed in ur face which the earring screws into) and i was like "ok, i can take that. that wont hurt too much" I was all ready to go next week and get it.



But mind you I am 36 yrs old and although i love getting the piercings now, Im sure when I start having grandkids that they wont want me showing up at their christmas recital with earrings in my face. I've seen a nose piercing heal, had mine pierced twice. I know how a tongue piercing heals, I had mine pierced 3 times. When I take my labret piercing out, my lip is big enough that it will cover whatever hole is there. But i never saw how a microdermal teardrop looked when it is removed.....then i saw a video of them taking one out....



OH HELL THE FUCK NAW!!!!



I know we only live once but i dont need no help being ugly. I can do that on my own! lmao a lil hole from my nose or lip piercing is one thing. to have gaping hole and scar under my eye?? no thank you. call me a punk!!



Next thing I googled?? "Fake dermal piercings"....TRAGIC!!!

i am more than my laugh, a 40 and a blunt!

I really need to start making some changes....I can only be me, i dont know how to be anyone else. But something somebody said hit me hard. He may not have even said it to hurt me or demean me, but thats how I took it. i asked, "why is it that I cant find anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with me?" his answer was that i give off a "party girl vibe" like if you want to have fun, call Chan. You want to drink, smoke, laugh, have a good time, call Chan. And for some odd reason, I always thought that was a good thing. Like, nobody wants to hang around a boring person all day right? And it helps in my job, im an outgoing person. for the majority of my life i have been this way. I dont know how to be different.

Maybe it started when I was young and was teased all the time for being ugly and fat. No boys would date me, so i ended up being the chick that they partied with. hung out with. told me all the problems of their girlfriends. never "the one" just "the one to party with". And i always was fine with it, so i thought. I never thought that being told I like to party would effect me so negatively.

Now im not saying that im gonna stop partying! lol far from it. Thats who I am. but damn, can a sista get some love too?? no matter how much i think like a dude, or talk like a dude, or party like one, im still a lil fat ugly girl at heart, looking for someone to fall head over heels in love with me....im just a girl!

The wave is over

I never had a boyfriend until I was 15. That lasted all of 3 months and I no one else showed any interest until I was 17, a senior in high school. About to graduate and he was friends with my cotillion escort. That summer after graduation I lost my virginity. That summer after graduation I had my heart broken.

I never felt like I was anyone's top choice. I wasn't skinny or pretty or rich. I was just me and it seemed like every guy I was with only wanted one thing from me. So the testosterone in my blood started to kick up and for a long long time I thought and acted just like a man. Anything a man could do, I would do. And dared you to call me outta me name simply because I was female. I mean i was pimping for real. There were times when I literally had dudes thinking they were my boyfriend in 3 different states. True story.

I mean don't get my wrong. I've been in love a few times. It's a wonderful feeling...in the beginning. Then my male-inclined mind reminds me of the game and I start realizing that these dudes I was in love with didn't love me back. Not the way I loved them. So I end it. Quickly. Sometimes it was so abruptly that the guys never knew why or what they did. I just disappear. See me and relationships don't get along. I'm not a fighter. Like, I'll fight in the beginning. For him, for the relationship to last, for anything. But the minute I feel like Im being played I flip.

But I'm getting older now. I have 2 kids. 2 different fathers. Never been married. And believe me, one day, one day.....someday....maybe I want to get married lol or at least have someone who truely wants to spend their life with me. Lately, I've been playing alot of games. Not to intentionally hurt anybody but I got a feeling that somebodys about to get hurt. I still don't know if I've found the right person. But I think I'm done playing. I think I'm ready to find HIM and settle down. I know!! Shut up!! Lol but it's time to start letting some people go and see who's willing to fight for me, for once.

RIP Bernice Elizabeth Braddock-Braxton 6-9-29--11-8-86

My Grandma, Bernice Elizabeth Braddock-Braxton, left this earth on Nov. 8, 1986. 5 days after my 12th birthday. I was so mad at her, not because she died, but because (and nobody has ever known this) i selfishly felt jipped. She was supposed to take my birthday shopping that day but, she decided not to. I was a little kid. I didnt really understand what was happening. I mean, yeah i knew she was gone, and i'd never talk to her or see her but where was my gift?? I felt so bad for a long time for having those initial thoughts.

.......Saturday, November 8, 1986......

I was ironing my clothes for sunday when the phone rang. I dont remember if i answered or if mommy answered, but i remember my mother making that noise....when my mom cries she sounds like shes laughing, and vice versa. So i heard that noise and I started laughing. then i realized she wasn't. I didnt know what happened but immediately I started to cry too. I remember mommy was pregnant with Harold and I was so worried about her. Next thing I know we were 20 miles away, pulling into my grandparents yard in Millbrook, NY.

I walked into the house and I guess my mother drove so fast from Poughkeepsie to the country that she beat the coroner, cause Grandma was still laying on the couch in the back room. mind you, nobody told me she was back there! lol she scared the shit outta me!! but i still remember her face, peaceful, calm, with her glasses and that pretty smile on her face. She died in her sleep. I dont know what she must have been dreaming about, but I can only imagine it must have been a great one. Maybe she saw her parents, and families and friends that she missed so much.

At some point during that night, the house became overrun with all of our family. My Uncle Ricky and his family made it up from Long Island. Uncle Swanson, Rev. Roundtree, Aunt Phyllis, Uncle Bobby....there were soooo many people in and out of the house. I remember Aunt Phyllis yelling at my grandfather cause she felt something on her leg and thought he was playing games with her. lmao see thats how my family is. no matter whats going on, somebody makes someone laugh! thats our therapy.

My grandmother and I were close. I think she was closer to my sister, (tiffani looks just like grandma) but we had a special relationship. I would always tell her first about whatever boy i liked at the particular time. or how mad my mother made me, then she would "spank" mommy so i would feel better. I was her oldest granddaughter. But I had a fresh mouth, lol so i was always in trouble. she would make me go outside and pick my own switch so she could beat me! lol hows that for child abuse? i had to pick my own weapon! lol I would steal sips of her beer and pulls off her camel cigarettes. (at one point i vowed to never smoke a cigarette...so much for that lol) one time, she wanted me to dust or clean or something and i dont remember what i said to her but she came into the living room from the kitchen and with her long nails, smacked me right across my face!! then went right back in the kitchen and lit up a cigarette! she was gangsta as hell too! kinda like a skinny madea! lol she didnt take no mess from nobody!! what i didnt know, until i got older, was that grandma was an alcoholic. I didnt know exactly what it was at the time. i thought she was just funny. I remember her hiding liquor bottles all over the house. behind, couches, and chairs, everywhere. once, my grandfather found every bottle, poured half the liqour out and filled the rest with water. I laughed like crazy when she flipped out on him. again, i didnt know better. One time, i was in the other room and grandma just fell off the dining room chair. i laughed, at first, then realized she wasnt moving and called for poppop. she had blacked out right in front of me. thats when i realized how serious it was.


The 5 of us grandkids, (harold wasnt born yet) had a singing group, we called ourselves "the braxton 5" lol you couldnt tell us nothing. we would practice for hrs our dance steps and try to get our vocals right. Tragic! lol but Grandma was always our biggest supporter. there were times when we would get so dirty outside playing that we would have to strip, outside, so she could hose us down before we came in her house. "in or out!!" thats what she would yell when we would go back and forth, slamming the screen door. She and I were in so many car accidents, because before all the seat belt and child restraint and dwi laws, grandma would drive drunk, with us in the car. nobody really remembers all of this but me. and its sad, cuz i cant really reminisce about her. oh! except when my cousin Tami decided to get us chased by a bull! lol i never saw grandma drive so fast! lmao


I have a million stories i can share about my grandma! I can literally go on for days. The 12 short years i knew her were the best years of my life. I could go to her for any and everything and even when i would get chastised she still hugged me and told me she loved me. its been 24 yrs since i last touched her. its been 24 yrs since i walked into that back room and saw her lying on the couch. 24 yrs since she found her peace. 24 yrs since i was mad at her. But i think shes getting back at me because every year around my birthday i get that "smoker's cough" that she had. lol maybe that's my birthday present!! lol i hear u grandma!!!

Long time no see

WoW!! I haven"t been on here all summer...I dont know why, I wasn't busy lol but lets see, what's happened???

Well, I lost a total of 16 lbs since I started my diet back in June. And have managed to keep it off!!! That's the part I'm most proud of. What else?

I'm single now! like completely 100% single! I just couldnt keep going in circles (yes, I did just reference Jazmine sullivans song lol). I need to make myself happy and stop worrying about how everyone else feels. I was living for this guy for years and he never wanted to get serious. so i seriously left. now im just enjoying life, back on my pimp status lmao I cant even tell yall whats going on, cuz i dont rock like that. but the people who are closest to me, they know what it is and they still love me! <3

the boys are doing well, still driving me insane. Jonathan entered 3rd grade and Justice is still home with me part time when im not working.

other than that, nothing really major...or maybe i just cant say lol either way, thats it for now.

i'll be back soon!

peace!

Save my Butt!!

Ok, so I finally committed to a diet...if you know me, you know thats a big deal. Now that I have come to finally love my body in allllllllll of its glory lol it took alot for me to admit that i could be healthier. I am not trying to be skinny, in any form of the word, but I do want to live to see my grandkids and greatgrands.

Now, I love my curves, except for maybe one lol but Its my weight that bothers me. And I know muscle weighs more than fat and Im built differently than other women in my weight range, but it really bothers me when someone who, I know is bigger than me physically, says that they weigh 30 sometimes 50 lbs less than I do!!

Granted they may be lying, lol but it irks my nerves. I am not ashamed to say I weigh over 200 lobs, its obvious.But there was a time when I was under that number that so many women fear. I didnt have the curves I have now, my breasts were smaller, my butt was flatter, but I had a relatively flat stomach, muscular legs, and muscle butt lol Now the goal is to get back under 200 or at least be able to wave to it lol and still keep my butt and boobs....hmmmmmm!!

Well, the youth ministry at the church has challenged the adults to a biggest loser style challenge. The challenge started on memorial day weekend and will last until labor day weekend. I've already lost 6 lbs, (even though I gained 2 back somewhere along the line) Im starting to walk more again. I drink hot lemon water all day, green tea and sweet tea as a treat. I cut way back on the red meat, juice and soda. Including Pepsi!!! thats is the hardest thing to give up for me. I have been in such a funk, had attitudes that were unbelieveable and so wound up that i scared myself! lol but its all for a good cause, hopefully.

If nothing else, if i dont lose anymore than these 6 (i mean 4) lbs, I know that i have the will power that ive never had before. and that will make it all worth it...

Ill try to keep you guys updated with my progress.....when im not throwing kids around :D

Peace!

I am the dot, dot, dot (from lala's blog)

one of my oldest friends shared this with me the other day and I havent stopped thinking about it since. Unfortunately this is the story of my life.....it may be your story too, so dont judge! But I wanted to share this. The sista who wrote it has a blog listed (http://blogs.brokenstyle.com/lala/) so check out her other stuff too, (dont forget to check me out too!! http://divadlux.blogspot.com/) enjoy!



i am the dot, dot, dot

the eternal placeholder

the lips you run to when hers aren’t close enough
the dotted line after the colon

the friend.

i am where there riverbed ends

the surrogate

the almost doesn’t count
the better luck next time

the fool
(everybody plays me)

the tool
(everybody use me)

the stool
(everybody stand on me)

to get high enough to reach someone else’s expectations

the runner up
- just in case she isn’t competent enough to keep her position

the fall back
the could’ve been
the maybe.

i am the two and a possible

the sidekick
the buddy
the sister

i am the shoulda’ coulda’ woulda’
…but missed it

i am the table for one
the last nite really was fun

i am the money on the nightstand

the bird in the other hand

the secret
longing to be told

the lust,
and never the love

the afterthought.

i am the corner of your heart
wishing i was part of your life

i am the girlfriend
…and not the wife

the fool
(everybody plays me)

the tool
(everybody use me)

the stool
(everybody stand on me)

to get high enough to reach someone else’s expectation

- waiting for someone to meet mine.

lala (c)2009 lalalounge.net