He don't love me, so why do I love him?

We never had a "relationship". He was the one I went to when I just wanted to chill, hang out, smoke, drink. We met almost 20 yrs ago, I was 17, he was 21. I always had a a crush on him, but he was always such a jerk, I never said anything to him. He used to date one of the girls from the block I was cool with, so to me that automatically meant that he and I could never get together. At least not while they were together lol His best friend is my nephews godfather, so there's a closeness there, like a big brother, a big brother I would have a baby for 17 yrs later.

One day I ran into him while walking to the store. We had all moved off that little street that we spent our young summer days on. Breaking day, play fighting, drinking and smoking.... and we all went our seperate ways. But whenever we'd see each other it was like nothing changed. So my oldest son and I are walking to the store and cut through this back street instead of walking the long way around. It was the end of summer, sometime in August. I was wearing a tight black tank top and I believe some capris. I only remember what kind of shirt I had because the first thing he said was, "Chan! I was like damn that chick got some big ass titties, and it's just you!" lol Thats what I mean, by him being a jerk. Mind you all of his co-workers heard this, because they were all outside, watching someone ride a motorcycle. We hugged and talked for a minute, he told me that I could come chill at his job anytime, since I lived right around the corner now. We exchanged numbers and Jonathan and I went home. Every once in awhile if I was stressing or just didnt feel like staying in the house I would come thru, have a drink, chill for a minute then bounce. It was nothing. Well, one day, of course that all changed. I went to the office late on a thursday, I remember because it was my birthday. I had worked late and by the time I got home, no one wanted to go out and all of my close friends lived far away so i went to see him. I just wasnt ready to go in the house, and I knew he was at work.

We smoked, watched tv, ate, chilled and talked. at one point we were alone in the office. and things just sort of happened. I remember every detail of what that night but i wanna keep some things private dang! lol so anyway, we had crossed the line form big brother, to I dont know what you would call us lol. He drove me home, even though I only lived down the street, and he called me when he got back to the office. We went on like this for about 2 yrs. Every sunday and thursday, at some point we would "hook up" as they say. Sometimes he would sneak in my window! lol It was like we were back in high school and I loved it. It was just fun. No strings attached, no committment, we were having a ball. Well, being a woman, and I hate being a woman sometimes, I started to feel things for him. I noticed I would get nervous if he didnt answer his phone right away. I would look at his female co-workers and wonder if he was fucking them too. Mind you, I had a "boyfriend" actually 2 in the time I was dealing with him, off and on. So I really didnt have any business catchimg feelings. But I did. I told him so, and told him we need to fall back, cause thats not what i want. I was happy the way things were and my feelings didnt need to complicate anything. That lasted about 2 weeks. anyway, cut to Labor day morning and me taking a pregnancy test!!

By this time, I had broken up with my last boyfriend a few months earlier. So there was no question in my mind who's it was, besides, boyfriend never went unprotected. So I call him and leave a message. He calls me back a few hours later, not unusual for him. I tell him what happened but I inform him that I'm not at home, and we would talk later. So when I get home, he suggests an abortion because he wont be there. (he already has 2 daughters, and 1 that he thought was his, but turned out not to be) When I refuse, he dissappears and i hear from him sporadically. I call him when I'm 5-1/2 months pregnant to tell him I'm having a son. This is when he starts to turn around. Now if I was having a girl, would he have started coming around again? I don't know. But dont get your hopes up just yet. He would call and check on us, come visit, bought a few things for the baby, but he didnt come to the hospital. Not once. It's like he was ashamed of us.

I asked him numerous times if he was embarassed, ashamed, did he deny his son, does he want a DNA test? He assures me that there is no question, Justice is his child, and he just hasnt had time to spend long periods of time with him. And I dont know why I still love him. He's one of those men who dont show any emotion at all! I mean the first time he saw his son he said "good enough". thats it. The few times I pissed him off all he said was "i'll call you back" then I cant find him for a few days. He never yells, never shows any vulnerability, so its so hard to read him. at first. But its been 5 yrs since that first night, 19 yrs since we first met and I think Im finally starting to get him. sad, right? oh well.

I been in alot of crazy situations, mainly because of the low self esteem that i used to have. but i think this has to be the craziest. It's not that I cant get anyone else. It's not that he's abusive or controlling, at all. in fact he's just the opposite, he acts like he doesnt care what I do. But I dont want to be with anyone else. I want a normal, healthy relationship. Do I have to be alone in order for that to happen? maybe. I been holding on for way too long now. I know I deserve better....or do I?

Family Ties

I quit! I really cannot do the drama this year! I HELPED to organize a joint family reunion for both of my grandparents families last year. The turn out was wonderful and I am so glad that I was able to experience it. I met family I never knew BUT all the drama that came with it was ridiculous!! I cant even get into the details of who did this and who said that, only because no matter what I am still respectful, especially to my family. But like I said, it was a JOINT reunion, meaning more than one core family, but they are all MY family. when my grandparents married, they had 2 children, who each had 3 children, that's where I come in. This reunion was for us. the Braxton-Braddock grandchildren. All of us don't know all of our family. Actually, I am the only one who knows who is who and how were realted. And that's only because I'm nosey and the oldest grandchild to spend time with my grandparents. (I have one cousin older than me, but he and his sisters didn't spend as much time with Poppop and Grandma as my sister and I did. My brother never met my grandmother and was only 4 when Poppop died). So, anyway, this reunion was for us to know our family, both sides. We are from the lines of Braxton, Morton, Braddock, Coleman, Jeffress, Palmer and Hill! This doesn't even count my father's side, or my aunt's side. There are 6 of us Grandkids, and 8 great-grands. Out of all of us, only one is still named Braxton. Yet, one of the issues with quite a few family was that their name wasn't on the t-shirts. Remember, only one of us is still a Braxton and it was our reunion....there weren't any Greens, Strohmans, Elliots, Wilsons, Marrs or Sandidges on the shirt either.

Now one side, the Braxtons, Mortons, COlemans and Jeffress' are SUPPOSED to be having a reunion next year in Ocean City, MD but nobody wants to help. I have sent out emails, facebook messages, tweets, myspace bulletins.....nothing. Only 2 people volunteered to help and thats not even close to enough. But when the time comes for the reunion, everyones gonna be looking at me, like, "Chan when is it? How much? Why? Who?" and all im gonna say is...."I asked for help." And the worst part is, apparently im not even a Braxton! (According to some family) Lmaooooo this drama is way too much for me. I'm gonna take my one cousins advice and just us Braxton-Braddock grandkids have our own small reunion. And let everyone fend for themselves!
I mean seriously, I am busy too. I have other things going on my life. I dont get paid for any of the organizing that I have to do, and neither did anybody else whoever put on our reunions. But it's not their time anymore. This is the time for my generation to step up and help out. But i think its my generation who doesnt care, because most of us didnt grow up together. Our parents moved out of Poughkeepsie and Millbrook and we were raised in Jersey, Long Island, Down South, Out West. We dont know each other. So why do all this traveling to meet people that you didnt even know existed. I get it. But if they just think about how good a time we all had the reunion, how we all hung out after, found each other on facebook and kept in touch....why not?

I dunno. All I know is, I love my family to death, anybody can tell you that. And no matter how much bitching and moaning I do, I know Im not gonna let the reunion fall by the wayside. I may complain the entire time, but come next summer Ill be the first one on the bus partying and making sure everybodys happy....sigh.....I love my dysfunctional family!

This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you....

I spanked Jonathan. I rarely, rarely spank him but i think thats the problem. He is out of control right now. Aside from losing 3 (prepaid) cell phones in 3 weeks, he has been talking back, getting fresh, throwing tantrums and screaming at me. Now, I try to keep my hands off of him because I know my temper. Sometimes I really feel like just throwing him through a wall, or as I used to be told "knocking him to the middle of next week" lol but I'm always afraid that I'll hurt him. When he gets out of line, I usually yell and scream, send him to his room, then just as soon, forget that i punished him just minutes before. I swear, that's the effects of all that weed smoking lol he gets away with so much because of my bad memory! lol Well, yesterday I couldn't do it anymore. I held it in all weekend long. Now let me explain....yes, Jonathan is only 8 and, No, he doesn't necessarily need a phone but it's for security. He calls me when he is close to school and if anything happens he has a way to reach us. He lost one phone a few weeks ago, I didn't get mad, because even adults lose phones, so I ordered him another one, put minutes on it and that one was lost too. It wouldnt have been so bad, considering we both thought he lost it in the house, but i decided to check his activity online and realized that somehow he lost the phone between school and home and someone has it. I had an extra phone I turned on for him, because I refused to purchase another one. I put minutes on this phone and activated it. This was Sunday afternoon. I pick him up from school yesterday and all of his classmates coming running over to me. "Ms. Green, Jonathan lost his phone!""he left it at breakfast!""he'll be right out, Mrs. Curry is helping him find his phone." I FLIPPED!! I called his father and told him he better talk to him, cause I was done. The teacher came out and told me she'll keep an eye out for me. I grounded him until I said different. That's all I was planning on doing, just grounding, no cartoons, no video games, no toys in the tub for a few days, maybe a week. I would've yelled a little more and called it a day. Well, he was supposed to be cleaning his room and I asked him to hand me something that Justice left on his bed and Jonathan decides to throw it at me!! He lost his ever-loving rabid mind!!! Before I knew it I had him flipped over on the bed and spanked him about 4 or 5 times. I felt so bad afterward. He was in the room crying and I'm screaming, sounding like my mother, "Shut up 'fore I give you something to cry about!" thats when I started to feel horrible. My mother was a good mother, a great mother, and raised us pretty much by herself our whole lives, and I know I deserved the discipline I got, cause I was fresh. I wonder if she felt bad about the spankings she gave us? Shoot, we got hit with belts,switches and pepsi bottles, Jay just got slapped on the rear lol but honestly, I don't know what else to do.
His father doesn't discipline him, he's the fun one, I'm always the bad one, the mean one, the one who he wants to run away from, the one that gets all the drama, the hassle, the aggravation of making him do his homework neatly,of brushing his teeth properly, of cleaning his room. His father thinks I'm too tough on him, but he was a spoiled lil kid too and never had to do anything and I refuse to let Jonathan grow up like that. He needs to learn responsibility and respect. John does not help at all. I ask him to talk to his son and thats all he does. Ineffectively. Jonathan will cry, then John will buy him something. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!! Then on top of all that, everytime he gets mad he tells me that I'm a bad mother and I don't do enough for Jonathan. Bullshit! but this isn't about him right now. Jonathan is my first son, my only child for 6-1/2 yrs, my life, my heart...I love him with every fiber of my being and would probably die if he ever did really go live with his father, but.....I REFUSE TO BE AFRAID OF MY CHILD!!! And thats what is going to happen if I don't nip this in the bud right now. Pretty soon, he'll be bigger and stronger than me. If he's wildin out now, I can't imagine what he'll be like as a teenager, especially if he starts emulating his father, who has no respect for anyone, not his mother, aunt, friends, girlfriend or even the courts (another story another time). I will not be sitting on Maury talking about "I'm scared of what Jonathan will do to me!" I said it before and I'll say it again....I brought him into this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him!!

In the middle of the night

Ok so it's 3am and I'm up. Now what? Lol I went on facebook, just a bunch of party invitations, YouTube uploads and mafia requests. I called Justice's father. He's not answering, so now my mind is buggin off that. Don't feel like twittering. Nothing I wanna watch on tv.... So I blog! Lmao I wasn't feeling well earlier so I took some theraflu and was knocked out by 8:30pm. My poor kids never heard me curse so much, but I was sick and they wouldn't listen. Ugh! I did finally go get my nails done though. $60!!!! Outrageous! But I decided to pamper myself for once and get the gel set instead of acrylics. I'm very happy with it too, which in and of itself Is a miracle lol. Ok, I feel the sandman coming.....I'll holla


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Ipod touch, water-death, maybe, maybe not

I almost killed him! i swear, i did. My 21 month old, who usually plays with the apps and games on the touch, somehow got into the bathroom and decided to give the "toy" a bath. he handed it to me, soaking wet and said "uh oh". I couldnt even scream at him at that moment. I just took the thing, told him to get away from me, to sit down and put his hands in his pockets and dont talk to me. (he motioned to me that he didnt have any pants on, so no pockets) i dried the ipod off and quickly searched for what to do if the ipod got wet. man, these people are complete idiots! aside from washing their ipods/iphones with their clothes, which i guess COULD happen, i saw posts of dropping them in puddles, getting caught in the rain, normal stuff. but c'mon the hell on, who goes swimming with the damn thing in their pocket? one person posted that he put an ice cube in his pocket!! that had to be a lie, but regardless, their solutions to the problem range from trying to defraud Apple, Inc. with various methods, including bleach, to charging the ipod for a few days....um, hello, wet electronics and an outlet dont mix. the most sensible one i heard was actually from someone who claimed to be a former AT&T manager. He suggested just placing in the gadget in dry rice, non-instant oatmeal or silicone gel for 2 days, then letting it air dry for another day. so that's what i'm doing right now. Hopefully, this works. I knew that I loved my ipod but I didnt realize how much I depended on it. I do absolutely everything on there. My notes for Sunday School lessons, my finances, my datebook, my clients' schedules....everything. and on top of that i just bought a clock radio to hook up to the ipod and new Apple earphones ($30 each!) As for Justice, he got a pop on his hand for playing with the xbox and scolding. I know he's just a baby, but dont nobody have money to be replacing shit all the time! he already threw my phone in a glass of water a few months ago. i'm crossing my fingers that this oatmeal trick works...but just in case i'll be checking ebay for another one.


Cut to the next day.......



So last night I took the iPod out of the oatmeal and wiped it off. I turned it on and yay! The apple logo appeared, it started up fine! No frozen screens or sensitivity issues, no problems with wifi or the music! I'm souped!!! Matter of fact i'm updating this blog from the iPod right now! Now if I can just keep Justice from playing with the tv.....

Stuck in the house

today was the biggest snow storm of the year, granted, its on february 10th lol but regardless.... so there was no school, no work, everybody was home. Justice was beyond his normal hyper self because he was trying to keep up with Jonathan all day. he finally conked out about 7pm. Jonathan was actually pretty good, but only because his new tv is coming and I told him if he didnt behave I'd throw the thing in the closet and he'll never see it. does that make me a mean person? who cares? lol. No school tomorrow either cuz of the snow, then he's out Friday, Monday and Tuesday! I need a drink! Lol

Inconsiderate, overly sensitive, disrespectful jackass!

Jonathan's father is a jackass!! Plain and simple. First of all, Jonathan had an eye dr appointment on Wednesday. That had to be changed cuz he conveniently was running late. So i moved it til Sunday. John knew this. All of a sudden he wanted to take jay to get a toy. Fine. I asked him to either pick him up before church ended or right after cuz we had to take to bus to the eye doctor. He was fine with that, until it was time to get him, then he was literally screaming that it wasn't necessary for jay to get his eyes checked. Mind u he came to get him 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave and also mind u, he went out of his way to go to another toy store when toys r us is right next door to the Eye dr! Now he owes me money for Jonathan and is bullshitting, trying not to give it to me, like I'm going to kiss his ass for it. Never have, never will. So he tells me "I hope u fucking die, I hate ur ass!" I hope he finds a place to live when I do so he can finally be a parent! Jackass!!!!!


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