So, my dad called from Jamaica early sunday morning....I'm always happy to talk to my father, because now that he's getting older and i've matured (somewhat) I really want to have a relationship with him outside of all the abuse and drama of the past. Well, on sunday i got a chance to talk to my 9 yr old Sister, Chantal. She has such a soft voice and such a strong accent, all i could do was smile while i was on the phone with her. I love how she says my name! She sounds so sweet. And my oldest son Jonathan had just woke up and came into the room when the phone rang, so he was able to speak to my father and his aunt for the very first time. His face just lit up!
He has never met my father, never spoken to him, never even seen a picture, but he loves his "Grandpoppy" just like he raised him. Jonathan has asked why he wasn't around, and I am always honest with my kids. I told him, Grandpoppy wasn't a very nice man when he was younger and he was really mean to Mema. He wasn't a citizen of this country so when Grandpoppy got into really big trouble they sent him back to Jamaica and he can't come see us, so maybe one day we'll go to see him. About every month or so, Jonathan asks "when we are we going to see Grandpoppy?" lol
About 2 weeks ago, my father's other son, Avery called as well. Again, it was Jonathan and Justice's first time talking to him. It was so cute, because anyone who knows Justice, knows he hasn't perfected his pronunciation yet. He has a few words that he says extrememly clearly, like, "No","Eat","Pee","Cece" and "Addie" and can sing more clearly than he will speak. But when he got on the phone with my brother he said clear as day "Hi Uncle Avery!!" Avery's picture is hanging up in my living room, so my boys know what he looks like.
I haven't seen him since he was about 2. We kinda just wrote him off because he was a child from outside of my mother and father's marriage. My brother Harold hasn't even acknowledged Avery Or my dad as being in existence, much less being blood relatives. My sister and I have forgiven Daddy and accepted our brother and sister, but I sense even she has her reservations about the situation.
Avery is one year older than Harold and he hasn't seen our father since he was about 3 either. We always tend to forget that, it's not that Daddy abandoned any of us, he was deported and didn't have a chance to bond with his sons. And neither Avery nor Chantal asked to be in this situation anymore than Harold, Tiffani or myself did. Why should I punish my blood for something they had no control over?
Like I said, Harold doesnt talk about Daddy, Avery, Chantal, not even the country of Jamaica. So he and I have never had a heartfelt conversation about it, like I have had with Tiffani and Avery. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I cant speak for him, at all but i know how i felt all of those years. Hopefully, one day he'll come around and at least be willing to write them.
Avery is so much like Harold it's scary. (Aside from the criminal aspects) They both look just like my father, except Avery is lighter. They both rap. They're both cocky. (Avery told me that his brother can't see him on the mic) And they both are very loving and protective. Especially of me. I can almost guarantee that if Avery was home, he and Harold would be best friends, I promise you. Avery wants so bad to be in touch with Harold, but he understands why Harold won't allow it. He sounds so broken when he talks about what could have been with Harold. He even boasts to the other prisoners about his lil brother that's he's never seen.
It hurts my heart to know that I may never see my (half)brother. Because of whatever actions he made, he may be in prison for a long time and I dont visit jail. Especially if i'd have to travel 4 or 5 hrs to do it. But I make sure that i write to him and accept his calls.
I try to respect my mother by not talking to her about my father and his kids. When Avery was first trying to get in contact with us through my Uncle Jonah and cousin Brian, I sat down with my mother and asked her how she felt about it. She said it doesnt matter to her if I contacted him, but I really have the feeling that she feels some type of way about it. And can anyone blame her?
My father asked me to write a letter to the department of immigration asking for him to have a temporary visa so that he can come and visit us. Part of me wanted to tell him, "get the fuck outta here" because, even though I forgave him, I cannot forget what he put our family through. But then again part of me wants to see him, hug him, laugh with him, go out to lunch, take care of him, be his daughter. I dont know what I should do.
I dont want to disrespect my mother. I dont want to disrespect my father either, but when it comes down to it, my mother has always been my dad so she gets 2 votes. No matter how much it hurts me, she comes first. So, I'm saving up for my trip to Jamaica next year....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
I gave in once....
I ran into my ex-fiancee the other day on the bus. He still looks exactly the same. Have you ever seen Ghostface Killer from Wu-Tang Clan? That's Bobby! lol He sat next to me and kissed me on the cheek. Immediately Jonathan yells, "who that?" lol Bobby and I talked for a few minutes before I got to my stop and when I got off, i told Jonathan, "that was almost your daddy"
"what? how u figure that?"
"because, before I met your dad, I was about to marry him."
"and what happened?"
**New Years Day 1995**
It was exceptionally warm. I remember, because I was wearing a skirt, and decided to walk home from night out in Irvington. I cut across the park and saw this guy playing with his pitbull. The dog started to run towards me, I could tell she was a puppy, and I'm not afraid of dogs anyway so I didn't jump.
"Venaca! Venaca!"
I look up confused, because he didn't look latin, I knew I was latin, so i figured he wasn't telling me to come here, so i figured by the way he was demanding that his dog must have understood Spanish.....1 point for him! (I've always loved the spanish language so just the thought that in the heat of the moment someone can flip and start speaking in another tongue drove me crazy!)
"Hablas espanol?"
"un poquito"
"that's dope, whats the dogs name?"
We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers and i continued my walk home. Not even really expecting to hear from him.
A few days later he calls and we talk on the phone for awhile. You know how you sit on the phone and talk to somebody for hours and don't even realize how long you've been on the phone for? yeah, like that! And he was a Scorpio too!.....2 points!
But that is the reason, to this day that I don't trust Scorpios! I know it's sort of hypocritical, but every scorpio I have ever been with is amazing in bed, but a complete dog! The weird thing is that I stay friends with them, but never ever have an interest in a relationship. All because of this dude!
Bobby had a daughter, no problem, but his baby's mother was crazy. She lived in south jersey though, so she and I never had a run in, actually, when we did meet, she had no problems with me....i guess crazy, recognized crazy lol He lived in his mother's house, with her and his 2 brothers. His mother was a Jehovah's Witness and disabled, so he pretty much took care of her, since his older brother was in the streets and the younger one was still in school at the time. He was very charismatic, he won over my friends, my sister, even my mother!! which, in and of itself is a miracle.....3 points!
We dated off and on for a few years, like I said he was a dog....His mother used to always call me "Dawn", but i never thought anything of it, because people mess my name up all the time. after awhile, i stopped correcting her. Then one day I had a dream that Bobby was in a large swimming pool with this light skinned girl with short blonde hair, and I kept trying to get him out of the pool and he wouldn't get out. I was really into my dreams back then, so i looked up "pool, water, swimming" and something came up that dreams about water meant sex!! (Now whether that interpretation is true or not, i dont know, but it was enough of an explanation for me!) I brought it to his attention, of course he dismissed it. I described the girl in my dream to his mother, she never said a thing. So one day, I decided to pop up at the house unannounced. I walk in and there's this girl sitting in the living room, light-skinned with short blonde hair. I looked at her, looked at bobby's lil brother and went to say hi to his mother. His brother came to me in the kitchen as i was doing the dishes and tried to tell me the girl was there for him, that Bobby had went out with lil Bobby and Ed and wouldn't be back for a few hours. Apparently "Dawn" was sitting there waiting for him too.
That was the first time we broke up. After that, I never trusted him fully but i by that time I had already fallen in love. And when I love someone I will fight to keep them in my life....I hate that part of myself. But I loved visiting Bobby, because he lived right around the corner from Redman's mother, so I would see Redman all the time...(Yall know I love me some Reggie Noble!) lol and all of Bobby's friends were cool and seemed to like having me hanging out with them. I never nagged Bobby, especially not in front of his boys, I just chilled. Well, one day I found out just how much his friends liked having me around. I was in the hall, talking to one of his friends. He was about 5'10", maybe 160-170 lbs, all muscle, light skin, gorgeous face, pretty eyes....but that's my man's boy, I could never look at him as anything else but. But apparently, he didnt have the same code of ethics. He leanded me against the wall and before I even knew what was going on, he had kissed me right on my mouth! I pushed him off and told him if he didnt leave right now, I was going to get Bobby and have him kick his ass. So he left, but i kinda wished i had it in me to kiss him back....
Bobby was just like me, we had a ball together all the time...no matter what one of us wanted to do, whether it was playing laser tag or bar hopping we were always down. once we went to the Gordon Elliott Show (yeah, that long ago) and the topic was "College kids who drink too much" We sat right in the front row, with our Drew University sweatshirts on and in between commercials, we were trying to get the college kids to come back to newark and party with us, just cuz they were cool. well, after the show, which was filmed up near columbus circle, we went to the liquor store, rolled up and took a walk around the city.....not realizing that not only could you not smoke on the streets of NY, not only that you couldn't drink on the streets of NY even if it is in a plastic cup but we had no idea that the Police station was right there! We're standing there and all of a sudden all of these people just surround us. As i look I start to see the badges sticking out from their plain clothes. Oh shit!!! I had a full cup of vodka in my hand, I turned and downed the whole thing in one gulp. WE explain to the cops that we were from Jersey and just came from the Gordon Elliott Show and when we told them what the topic of the show was, they just laughed. all we got was a ticket, but i'll never forget it.
It was close to Christmas, I remember, because we had just came from seeing the preacher's wife with Denzel and Whitney and we went to dinner at one of the italian restaurants in Madison. It was a really nice night. We went home and laid in the bed, talking. Out of the blue, he asks "Would you marry me?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"No I mean, Would you marry me?"
"You bugging!! where are we gonna live? with your mother or mine?"
"Chan, I'm serious." and he looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes. "i dont have a ring right now, but I can get you one."
"I dont care about a ring, baby."
"So? will you marry me?"
"Yes."
One day, after they moved to Hillside, I was spending the night at the house, helping to take care of his mother because he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. So the phone rings and I answer it.
"Is Bobby there?" I could tell she was a hoodrat by her accent.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"His girlfriend!"
I laughed and immediately went into defense mode
"Oh," I said very calmly "and WHICH girlfriend is this?" she said her name "Ok, well, blah blah blah, This is is fiancee but I wil definitely make sure he gets your message. Have a goodnight!"
I surprised myself with how calm I was. thats when I realized that when I get to the point where I'm fed up and I cant take anymore, that I stop caring. I tell dudes all the time, as long as i'm screaming, yelling and throwing things, i still care. When I stop doing all those things it means I've given up. but anyway....Bobby came home and I was sitting in the room with his mother. He came and kissed me on the cheek. I waited about 10 minutes and said,
"Oh! Babe, you had a phone call earlier."
"who was it?"
"your girlfriend." I said it matter of factly, his whole face changed.
We went into the kitchen and argued for a min, back and forth, he cried and cried. I left that night, and didnt speak to him for 3 days. When I finally did speak to him, I was drunk and decided I was done. So I ended everything. I was so distraught, maybe not so much over losing him but rather the time i wasted, that I started drinking extra heavy. All i would eat was popcorn, drink pepsi, heinekens and smoke. I lost so much weight, people thought I was sick. I ran into him a couple of times after it was all over, and we still greet each other like it was yesterday. but that's where it stops.
**Last week**
"And what happened?"
"Nothing, we just broke up that's all. And then I met your dad and we had you!"
"And it was happily ever after right?" My oldest son smiled.
"yep, happily ever after."
"what? how u figure that?"
"because, before I met your dad, I was about to marry him."
"and what happened?"
**New Years Day 1995**
It was exceptionally warm. I remember, because I was wearing a skirt, and decided to walk home from night out in Irvington. I cut across the park and saw this guy playing with his pitbull. The dog started to run towards me, I could tell she was a puppy, and I'm not afraid of dogs anyway so I didn't jump.
"Venaca! Venaca!"
I look up confused, because he didn't look latin, I knew I was latin, so i figured he wasn't telling me to come here, so i figured by the way he was demanding that his dog must have understood Spanish.....1 point for him! (I've always loved the spanish language so just the thought that in the heat of the moment someone can flip and start speaking in another tongue drove me crazy!)
"Hablas espanol?"
"un poquito"
"that's dope, whats the dogs name?"
We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers and i continued my walk home. Not even really expecting to hear from him.
A few days later he calls and we talk on the phone for awhile. You know how you sit on the phone and talk to somebody for hours and don't even realize how long you've been on the phone for? yeah, like that! And he was a Scorpio too!.....2 points!
But that is the reason, to this day that I don't trust Scorpios! I know it's sort of hypocritical, but every scorpio I have ever been with is amazing in bed, but a complete dog! The weird thing is that I stay friends with them, but never ever have an interest in a relationship. All because of this dude!
Bobby had a daughter, no problem, but his baby's mother was crazy. She lived in south jersey though, so she and I never had a run in, actually, when we did meet, she had no problems with me....i guess crazy, recognized crazy lol He lived in his mother's house, with her and his 2 brothers. His mother was a Jehovah's Witness and disabled, so he pretty much took care of her, since his older brother was in the streets and the younger one was still in school at the time. He was very charismatic, he won over my friends, my sister, even my mother!! which, in and of itself is a miracle.....3 points!
We dated off and on for a few years, like I said he was a dog....His mother used to always call me "Dawn", but i never thought anything of it, because people mess my name up all the time. after awhile, i stopped correcting her. Then one day I had a dream that Bobby was in a large swimming pool with this light skinned girl with short blonde hair, and I kept trying to get him out of the pool and he wouldn't get out. I was really into my dreams back then, so i looked up "pool, water, swimming" and something came up that dreams about water meant sex!! (Now whether that interpretation is true or not, i dont know, but it was enough of an explanation for me!) I brought it to his attention, of course he dismissed it. I described the girl in my dream to his mother, she never said a thing. So one day, I decided to pop up at the house unannounced. I walk in and there's this girl sitting in the living room, light-skinned with short blonde hair. I looked at her, looked at bobby's lil brother and went to say hi to his mother. His brother came to me in the kitchen as i was doing the dishes and tried to tell me the girl was there for him, that Bobby had went out with lil Bobby and Ed and wouldn't be back for a few hours. Apparently "Dawn" was sitting there waiting for him too.
That was the first time we broke up. After that, I never trusted him fully but i by that time I had already fallen in love. And when I love someone I will fight to keep them in my life....I hate that part of myself. But I loved visiting Bobby, because he lived right around the corner from Redman's mother, so I would see Redman all the time...(Yall know I love me some Reggie Noble!) lol and all of Bobby's friends were cool and seemed to like having me hanging out with them. I never nagged Bobby, especially not in front of his boys, I just chilled. Well, one day I found out just how much his friends liked having me around. I was in the hall, talking to one of his friends. He was about 5'10", maybe 160-170 lbs, all muscle, light skin, gorgeous face, pretty eyes....but that's my man's boy, I could never look at him as anything else but. But apparently, he didnt have the same code of ethics. He leanded me against the wall and before I even knew what was going on, he had kissed me right on my mouth! I pushed him off and told him if he didnt leave right now, I was going to get Bobby and have him kick his ass. So he left, but i kinda wished i had it in me to kiss him back....
Bobby was just like me, we had a ball together all the time...no matter what one of us wanted to do, whether it was playing laser tag or bar hopping we were always down. once we went to the Gordon Elliott Show (yeah, that long ago) and the topic was "College kids who drink too much" We sat right in the front row, with our Drew University sweatshirts on and in between commercials, we were trying to get the college kids to come back to newark and party with us, just cuz they were cool. well, after the show, which was filmed up near columbus circle, we went to the liquor store, rolled up and took a walk around the city.....not realizing that not only could you not smoke on the streets of NY, not only that you couldn't drink on the streets of NY even if it is in a plastic cup but we had no idea that the Police station was right there! We're standing there and all of a sudden all of these people just surround us. As i look I start to see the badges sticking out from their plain clothes. Oh shit!!! I had a full cup of vodka in my hand, I turned and downed the whole thing in one gulp. WE explain to the cops that we were from Jersey and just came from the Gordon Elliott Show and when we told them what the topic of the show was, they just laughed. all we got was a ticket, but i'll never forget it.
It was close to Christmas, I remember, because we had just came from seeing the preacher's wife with Denzel and Whitney and we went to dinner at one of the italian restaurants in Madison. It was a really nice night. We went home and laid in the bed, talking. Out of the blue, he asks "Would you marry me?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"No I mean, Would you marry me?"
"You bugging!! where are we gonna live? with your mother or mine?"
"Chan, I'm serious." and he looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes. "i dont have a ring right now, but I can get you one."
"I dont care about a ring, baby."
"So? will you marry me?"
"Yes."
One day, after they moved to Hillside, I was spending the night at the house, helping to take care of his mother because he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. So the phone rings and I answer it.
"Is Bobby there?" I could tell she was a hoodrat by her accent.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"His girlfriend!"
I laughed and immediately went into defense mode
"Oh," I said very calmly "and WHICH girlfriend is this?" she said her name "Ok, well, blah blah blah, This is is fiancee but I wil definitely make sure he gets your message. Have a goodnight!"
I surprised myself with how calm I was. thats when I realized that when I get to the point where I'm fed up and I cant take anymore, that I stop caring. I tell dudes all the time, as long as i'm screaming, yelling and throwing things, i still care. When I stop doing all those things it means I've given up. but anyway....Bobby came home and I was sitting in the room with his mother. He came and kissed me on the cheek. I waited about 10 minutes and said,
"Oh! Babe, you had a phone call earlier."
"who was it?"
"your girlfriend." I said it matter of factly, his whole face changed.
We went into the kitchen and argued for a min, back and forth, he cried and cried. I left that night, and didnt speak to him for 3 days. When I finally did speak to him, I was drunk and decided I was done. So I ended everything. I was so distraught, maybe not so much over losing him but rather the time i wasted, that I started drinking extra heavy. All i would eat was popcorn, drink pepsi, heinekens and smoke. I lost so much weight, people thought I was sick. I ran into him a couple of times after it was all over, and we still greet each other like it was yesterday. but that's where it stops.
**Last week**
"And what happened?"
"Nothing, we just broke up that's all. And then I met your dad and we had you!"
"And it was happily ever after right?" My oldest son smiled.
"yep, happily ever after."
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Phone test video
Justice imitating wocka flocka and playing me out
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Fuck Love, I'm tired of trying
I hate being a female! I hate being emotional! I hate caring! I hate falling in love! why? Because it never works out for me. I'm not saying that I won't find Mr.Right someday. But I haven't yet. And frankly, I'm getting tired of trying. Everytime I think he might be the one, he fucks up. Or maybe it's me, i dont know.
I'll admit, I am not the easiest person to get along with. As a friend, yeah, i'm great! lol but as a girlfriend? not so much. See, when I love, I love hard! I mean, I have literally given all that I've had to make sure whoever he is, is happy. I mean, I give up money, my heart, my emotions, I give him absolutely everything. Because I honestly believe that a man is the head of the family. and when I love someone, even in a friendship, i consider that person family. So I feel as though the head of the family, the man should respect the woman and she should uplift the man.... Now herein lies the problem, lol because I would be uplifting but not getting the respect.
And i know it's not always because the man is a jackass from the beginning. Although, quite a few times, that was the case. But I know I can push men away very easily. I tend to become overly protective, which somehow always comes off as jealousy lmao! I also become quite combative when I don't feel as though I'm getting the respect that I deserve. That part I blame on my parents. We grew up in a fighting household. And after my first school fight, which happened to be with a boy, my father told me to wait 2 weeks, when the boy wasn't thinking about it and then smack him with a 2x4! (Thank God I didnt listen to him lol) but I never really was taught how to love. Everything was always a fight.
On top of everything else, I'm a big ass crybaby! This is why I dont argue. Because once i started getting emotional people take it as a sign of weakness, instead of what it really is, a warning. If I start crying, look out! Cause my next move is to pick up a bottle, a shoe or a 2x4 and smack somebody! lol I laugh now, cause when I sit back and watch my actions, I can see how animated and over the top and entertaining I can be. But when I'm in the midst of it, the shit is not funny to me at all.
But anyway, Because of my own actions, and because I have a habit of picking assholes over nice guys all the time (another blog for another day) I always end up by myself. Alone. Lonely.
And I know, I have my kids, but its not the same thing. Sometimes, I just want someone to be there to hold me at night, to hold my hand in the movies, to tell me they love me, and mean it. BUt I havent had that in a long time. And the sad part is that I've gotten used to my life this way.
Yes, it's great not to NEED a man for anything. I dont have to answer any questions, dont have to explain anything. but I''m tired of one night love affairs and lowering my standards just to have an inkling of romance for a few minutes.
So, yeah, Fuck Love.....hopefully Mr. Right will come along before my heart complete turns to stone.
I'll admit, I am not the easiest person to get along with. As a friend, yeah, i'm great! lol but as a girlfriend? not so much. See, when I love, I love hard! I mean, I have literally given all that I've had to make sure whoever he is, is happy. I mean, I give up money, my heart, my emotions, I give him absolutely everything. Because I honestly believe that a man is the head of the family. and when I love someone, even in a friendship, i consider that person family. So I feel as though the head of the family, the man should respect the woman and she should uplift the man.... Now herein lies the problem, lol because I would be uplifting but not getting the respect.
And i know it's not always because the man is a jackass from the beginning. Although, quite a few times, that was the case. But I know I can push men away very easily. I tend to become overly protective, which somehow always comes off as jealousy lmao! I also become quite combative when I don't feel as though I'm getting the respect that I deserve. That part I blame on my parents. We grew up in a fighting household. And after my first school fight, which happened to be with a boy, my father told me to wait 2 weeks, when the boy wasn't thinking about it and then smack him with a 2x4! (Thank God I didnt listen to him lol) but I never really was taught how to love. Everything was always a fight.
On top of everything else, I'm a big ass crybaby! This is why I dont argue. Because once i started getting emotional people take it as a sign of weakness, instead of what it really is, a warning. If I start crying, look out! Cause my next move is to pick up a bottle, a shoe or a 2x4 and smack somebody! lol I laugh now, cause when I sit back and watch my actions, I can see how animated and over the top and entertaining I can be. But when I'm in the midst of it, the shit is not funny to me at all.
But anyway, Because of my own actions, and because I have a habit of picking assholes over nice guys all the time (another blog for another day) I always end up by myself. Alone. Lonely.
And I know, I have my kids, but its not the same thing. Sometimes, I just want someone to be there to hold me at night, to hold my hand in the movies, to tell me they love me, and mean it. BUt I havent had that in a long time. And the sad part is that I've gotten used to my life this way.
Yes, it's great not to NEED a man for anything. I dont have to answer any questions, dont have to explain anything. but I''m tired of one night love affairs and lowering my standards just to have an inkling of romance for a few minutes.
So, yeah, Fuck Love.....hopefully Mr. Right will come along before my heart complete turns to stone.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Pregnancy Sucks....or maybe its just me
So....im sitting here watching this tv show "one born every minute", a reality show about a labor & delivery ward. one of the ladies was getting an epidural and all the memories of my children's births came rushing back.
With both of my boys i had to have c-sections and they were both very stressful pregnancies and surgeries. I recently started thinking about trying to have a girl, even though i never really wanted a girl, but i guess because im getting older she keeps popping in my head. i mentioned this imaginary daughter to a friend of mine and he told me "you're damn near 40 why would you want a baby? And then all your kids will have different fathers!" he doesn't know it but that really hurt me. i know im the first one to proclaim a fight with any child but i really do love children. (Don't tell them that) and i guess since i've had so much trouble, i just want one blissful, drama free pregnancy. Or at least one where someone will give me a seat on the bus.
with Jonathan i was being abused throughout the pregnancy. My pressure was high. I was on bedrest from 6 months. And when i was 8 months pregnant the doctors decided it was time for Jay to come out. I didnt want a cesaeran. But after, i honestly dont know how many hrs, with no progress and my sickness (HELLP Syndrome) setting in and making me sicker, i had no choice.i was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia but by the time i was strapped up to the machines and ready to deliver my pressure kept rising, but my blood platelets were dropping in addition to my liver being effected. If i had given natural birth, they told me there was a chance I'd bleed to death, because they may not be able to control the blood. I was heartbroken. I felt like less of a mother because i didn't push him out. During the surgery, his father didnt hold my hand, he didnt stroke my hair, he didnt kiss me, he didnt even look at me. I was in and out of conscienceness due to all the medication. All i remember is hearing my firstborn cry, then waking up in the recovery room. I couldn't breastfeed him because i still had so many drugs in my system, i was afraid it would pass through my milk. I cant even tell u to this day what time he was born without looking on his birth certificate. I dont know how long i labored before they decided to cut me. thats how much drugs were in me! Then he developed jaundice and had to stay in the hospital. that was the only time i cried, when the doctor told me he wasnt going home with me. (It was only one extra day, but it felt like forever) His great grandmother told me that it was my fault he had jaundice because i didnt breastfeed him. Talk about guilt! when he finally did come home, i never got the chance to bond with him. I had serious complications with my incision, one day, while trying to scoot back on the bed i popped a staple. And thank God i did! I went to the dr, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she found a blood clot the size of a sausage in there! After that my incision had to be left open and stuffed with gauze. I was literally walking around with my stomach wide open! I had to have a nurse come twice a day and clean out my wound and re-stuff me. It was scary as hell! I couldnt even pick my baby up. My mother, brother and his father had to do everything for me. We never got the mom and baby time. as soon as i was well i had to go back to work and he was in daycare from the time he was 6 wks old. I never got to bond with my baby.
Now Justice was a different story. With him i wasnt being abused physically but i had absolutely no support. everyone wanted me to have an abortion, i was threatened by Jonathans father that he was gonna kick me in my stomach. Justice's father didnt talk to me until i was 5 months pregnant, once i told him he was having a son. before that time, i was told my one of the doctors in the practice that i had a miscarriage and needed a D&C because they couldnt find his heartbeat. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and made a deal with God that if he let my baby be healthy i'd give him back to him. obviously they found his heartbeat but then other problems arose. because of the complications i had with Jay the original ob/gyn wanted me to have an amnio and if i decided to keep the baby i was told id still probably have to have another surgery. I started bleeding in my 7th month and had to run more tests. I went on bedrest in my 8th month this time. We had a scheduled c-section so i wasnt too shocked. But his father wasnt there. He dropped me off at the hospital and said "call me when the boy gets here". My sister was in the delivery room with me. the surgery was quick and i was awake for the whole thing. I went in at 10am and Justice was here at 10:56am. I was able to see him, i was able to kiss him, i told him "welcome to the world Mookie. I fight kids!" i took pics with him. when i recovered i tried breastfeeding but he wouldnt latch on. But i tried. I wasnt groggy or high or hopped up on painkillers. He slept in the room with me majority of the night. I was strong enough to take care of him. When we got home was the only time i cried with him. I was in so much pain and his father kept forgetting my percosets prescription. I was alone with him and his brother. Because Jonathans father was trying to make my life miserable and Justice's father wasnt being bothered, i had to bring my baby on crowded buses to bring Jay to school before Justice was even a week old. He stayed in that kangaroo pouch on my chest for a good 3 months. I bonded with Justice because i had no other choice. I took the summer off from work so that i could spend more time with big brother. I didnt want him feeling neglected because of the new baby. Justice has never been to daycare, because i couldnt afford it. I dont work in the same industry and just couldnt handle the weekly payments alone. He's been home with me his whole life. the same friend who asked about me having a baby at 40 tells me 'u baby that boy, he's too big for that!" when i say i still rock him to sleep. Like clockwork, at 9:30 Justice climbs in my lap and i lull him to sleep. Yeah he gets babied cuz he wasnt supposed to be here but he is!
As much as i dont like kids, apparently they dont like me either cuz they keep trying to kill me during my pregnancies lol yeah pregnancy sucks! having your stomach cut open twice sucks. Healing from a c-section with ur belly wide open or no pain killers sucks monkey balls! But if i could do it right, just once.....just one time where i can enjoy the pleasures of growing a person....the attention...being able to eat whatever i want...the maternity clothes...feeling ur baby have the hiccups or seeing ur belly poke when he stretches....knowing your baby's sleeping habits before you can see his face.....just one more chance.
But then again, i AM almost 40. I already have 2 different baby daddys. (Who both haved stepped up and take excellent care of their sons) I'm already judged and criticized and been made into another negative stereotyped statistic. I guess ME having a baby doesnt fit into what SOCIETY thinks I should do....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
