Peace As October begins I just wanted to reiterate that this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And let me say this first and foremost! MEN ARE ABUSED TOO!! We're so busy teaching our daughters how not to be abused, we forget about our sons and the fact that some women will beat up on their man, because they know he wont hit back.
I'm not gonna get into the statistics and all that other boring stuff, instead to drive the point home, im gonna tell you a story.
I, as some of you may know, am a product of domestic violence. Whether you are the abuser, the abused or the friend or family member of a victim there is one thing that you should think about above all, the babies.
You have to understand that the children in these situations are just as abused, even if they never get physically hurt.
See, being the oldest and the one who most closely resembled my mother I experienced a lot of animosity, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Mind you my father never laid a hand on me.
My earliest memory is when I was 3 yrs old and my mother had me in the bathroom, shielding me from seeing my father getting his ass kicked by my aunts at a family cookout, because he had the bright idea to hit my mother in front of her whole family.
I saw my mother go through things that no child should ever see. One time he hit her in the head with a hammer outside of our apartment building. She drive to the Police Station with blood dripping down her face and was told that she couldn't file a report because the person that handles that was out and besides they didn't see him do it so it was out of their hands.
I was the one who had to sneak out of the house to call the cops. Hoping that I got back to the apartment before he did.
Like every other woman in the world I wondered why my mother didn't just leave and vowed never to have a man put his hands on me that way.
See I was being beat up mentally everytime I saw her beat physically. But I was a kid, I couldn't very well leave on my own.
What I didn't know at the time was that my father threatened my mother that if she left he would kill her, us kids and her family. And he could very capable of it.
She would send us to our grandparents on the weekends to get a break, but we always had to come home.
One day, for a variety of reasons and issues that have nothing to do with this story the feds came and deported my father, that's what saved us.
As we grew, my sister and I, my brother was still very young so he was spared a lot of the drama, it was hard to maintain a decent relationship with a man.
And I broke my vow to never have a man put his hands on me the way my father did my mother.
My self-esteem was so low from the mental and psychological abuse I endured that I didn't think I could get anybody better.
I also justified that because I fought back it wasn't abuse.
It wasn't until after I got pregnant that I started to wake up and realize that the cycle was starting.
I refused to bring a child into this world to grow up the way I did.
When I was 6 months pregnant I was choked unconscious. Constantly spat on, degraded and debased. I went to the hospital for a busted lip and a broken nose.
The restraining order didn't stop him. Moving out didn't stop him.
What every little girl dreams of, marrying a man like her father, became my nightmare.
I finally was able to leave him but the mental abuse still continues. Only now, I don't feed into it, which is his power.
My son will never be able to tell a story like this because I stopped the cycle.
I say all of that to say this, people will always have problems in their relationships. But there is never an excuse to be violent. The children can be scarred for life . I know I am.
This story may not mean anything to you, but if I helped one person make a life or death decision, I've done my job.
Please, if you or anyone know is being abused, get help!
ok, now for the boring stuff lol ....
www.cutitout.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE
CUT IT OUT (Salons Against Domestic Violence) is a program of the Salons Against Domestic Abuse Fund dedicated to mobilizing salon professionals and others to fight the epidemic of domestic abuse in communities across the United States. CUT IT OUT builds awareness of domestic abuse and trains salon professionals to recognize warning signs and safely refer clients to local resources.
Domestic abuse is:
o a pattern of violent and coercive tactics committed by one intimate partner against another.
o a pattern of controlling behavior that consists of physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse or assaults.
o a learned pattern of behavior.
o impactive to all those around the adult and child victim: family, friends, and co-workers.
While most perpetrators are men, it is important to remember that most men are not perpetrators.
Signs that a client or someone you know may be abused:
One sign does not prove abuse. However, a combination of them, or repeated signs, may indicate abuse.
o Bruising in different stages of healing, especially if the bruising is in areas not usually seen by others, such as the scalp
o Bald spots indicating hair has been torn or pulled out
o Frequent injuries, especially with unusual explanations
o Injuries not seen but indicated by general mobility difficulties due to soreness, tenderness, bruising
o Isolation from friends and family
o Low self-esteem, a sense that she doesn't deserve better treatment
o Self-blame or unrealistic guilt ("It's my fault, I shouldn't have made him mad.")
o Partner always accompanies client to appointments or waits outside in the parking lot
o Fear of the partner, insecurity about his actionsYou may also notice the following behavior:
o The partner dictates the frequency of her salon visits
o The partner will not allow her to change her hair color or style
o The partner is controlling or excessively jealous
What can you do if a client or someone you know is being abused?
o Believe the person who tells you that she is being abused. Her abuser may have her convinced that she is at fault or that she doesn't deserve better treatment.
o Keep whatever she tells you confidential. Her life may be at stake.
o Gently guide her to find help. Suggest that she contact her local domestic violence agency or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Suggest that she needs to consult a qualified, objective third party.
o Don't try to fix the problem for her or become her counselor – your local domestic violence agency is staffed with trained personnel to counsel victims and help to ensure their safety. All have access to a shelter or safe house. Don't put yourself in harm's way or increase the danger for the victim by getting in the middle.
Help others to understand that domestic violence is absolutely, totally unacceptable and usually escalates over time. Have the number of your local agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (1-800-799-SAFE) handy.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Where do broken hearts go?
Im in pain...not physical pain but emotional pain...the kind of pain where if there were such a thing as emotional percosets I would pop about 5 right now and just sleep for 3 days.
I was with this guy, no it wasnt very long, but it was very serious, or so I thought. Then one day out of the blue he tells me, ” we cant be together no more!”
Everything was as close to perfect as it couldve been for me. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, my prince charming...little did I know he was just another toad begging to be kissed.
I should've known something wasn't right because it was too perfect. When I told him I wanted to wait for sex, he respected my wishes. He told me he was a christian and even had a whole story concocted about how God came to him and how he was anointed. He wanted to meet my family. He acted like he loved my kids. My baby, Justice latches on to no one, not even the family, but he was hooked on this guy. He met my pastor and even went as far as asking her for relationship counseling after our first major argument. He introduced me to everyone as his fiancee and he was the first to speak of marriage. He would feed feed me, not allow me to walk across the street much less home from work, he spoiled me rotten! He had everybody fooled.
It just so happened that my sons father started some trouble and that was his excuse to leave me. For once I glad the asshole tried to destroy my relationship bc I probably never wouldve found out all the other bullshit.
After he returned the cell phone I purchased him, I saw several, not one, not two several messages from females he has been dealing with....all of them being fed the same bullshit he was feeding me. a couple of them he was ” engaged” to, a few were in love with him, at least 2 defended everything he has done and vowed to never leave him.
When I finally calm down enough to sanely ask him questions he replies with no remorse, ” im sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings”.....what??? What about my kids? What about my family and friends? What did I do to deserve to be treated likd a pawn in some sick twisted love game?
Everybody is telling me its for the best, that im lucky I found out now and not after time was invested....but im hurt, still. I am not easy to give my heart away because I always get hurt. I damn sure dont get my kids involved. Nobodyeets my family. And no one has names. This dude stole everything from me! But I cant even calling it stealing, he tricked my heart away from me through his lies and deceptions. The worst part is that not only did he break my heart he is allowing his friends to tarnish my name by saying im a trouble maker and cause drama! So not,only do I have to try and piece together a heart that has been crushed and shredded, I have to regain and repolish my reputation at the same time.
My first instinct is to smack him with a 2x4 but hes not worth me going to jail and losing my kids. If he was on fire, I wouldn't spit on him!
They tell me, when the right one comes along ill know it.....I honestly believed he was it. He had all the qualities ive been praying for. He was so good with his bullshit my mother, pastor and uncle fell for it too!
Will I heal? Im sure I will. Will I trust again? Never!
I was with this guy, no it wasnt very long, but it was very serious, or so I thought. Then one day out of the blue he tells me, ” we cant be together no more!”
Everything was as close to perfect as it couldve been for me. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, my prince charming...little did I know he was just another toad begging to be kissed.
I should've known something wasn't right because it was too perfect. When I told him I wanted to wait for sex, he respected my wishes. He told me he was a christian and even had a whole story concocted about how God came to him and how he was anointed. He wanted to meet my family. He acted like he loved my kids. My baby, Justice latches on to no one, not even the family, but he was hooked on this guy. He met my pastor and even went as far as asking her for relationship counseling after our first major argument. He introduced me to everyone as his fiancee and he was the first to speak of marriage. He would feed feed me, not allow me to walk across the street much less home from work, he spoiled me rotten! He had everybody fooled.
It just so happened that my sons father started some trouble and that was his excuse to leave me. For once I glad the asshole tried to destroy my relationship bc I probably never wouldve found out all the other bullshit.
After he returned the cell phone I purchased him, I saw several, not one, not two several messages from females he has been dealing with....all of them being fed the same bullshit he was feeding me. a couple of them he was ” engaged” to, a few were in love with him, at least 2 defended everything he has done and vowed to never leave him.
When I finally calm down enough to sanely ask him questions he replies with no remorse, ” im sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings”.....what??? What about my kids? What about my family and friends? What did I do to deserve to be treated likd a pawn in some sick twisted love game?
Everybody is telling me its for the best, that im lucky I found out now and not after time was invested....but im hurt, still. I am not easy to give my heart away because I always get hurt. I damn sure dont get my kids involved. Nobodyeets my family. And no one has names. This dude stole everything from me! But I cant even calling it stealing, he tricked my heart away from me through his lies and deceptions. The worst part is that not only did he break my heart he is allowing his friends to tarnish my name by saying im a trouble maker and cause drama! So not,only do I have to try and piece together a heart that has been crushed and shredded, I have to regain and repolish my reputation at the same time.
My first instinct is to smack him with a 2x4 but hes not worth me going to jail and losing my kids. If he was on fire, I wouldn't spit on him!
They tell me, when the right one comes along ill know it.....I honestly believed he was it. He had all the qualities ive been praying for. He was so good with his bullshit my mother, pastor and uncle fell for it too!
Will I heal? Im sure I will. Will I trust again? Never!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Chasing love in the desert
I ran into this woman, and had an opportunity to speak with her in depth....or rather, she had the opportunity to speak to me. First we started talking our children. After realizing how much alike our children are, the convo got more and more interesting and deeper. She and I are so much alike (and different), its eerie. I mean, We both have 2 children with one interested in acting (she has a boy and a girl), we both are beauticians by trade (she has moved into a different profession recently), we both have committment issues (even though she is married)....And there in came my epiphany. While talking to this woman who mirrored my fears, complaints, joys, and pains I realized that I am a predator when it comes to men...somewhat like lion with its prey.
Have you ever watched the nature channel or animal planet? I love watching lions. They are so majestic to me. I've even found myself more physically attracted to men who are leos. But to watch the king of the jungle hunt is a sight that fixes me and amazes me each and everytime. When a lionness is hunting, she'll lay in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce and take her opponent down. But there are times when she is just practicing or training her cubs how to fend for themselves. Its those times that I identify myself with now. A lioness will sit and watch, just as if she was going to bring the prize home to her babies. But she doesnt really want this particular trophy, she just wants to play. She'll chase the poor animal, running in circles, nipping at his heels, laughing to herself. Then every once in awhile, the prey grows tired of the chase and thinks he's not in any real danger, so he'll slow down, just enough. he'll turn his head in a taunting manner, he may even rear back and try to charge at his persuer. But that is when the queen of the jungle changes her mind and basically says "fuck it! Who does this dude think he is?? I'm playing with him, he cant play with me!" And her hind legs gain a little more power. her gaze is focused now. she has decided to go in for the kill, only because she feels rejected and toyed with. She pounces on him! Digs her razor sharp teeth into his flesh, tosses his body to and fro, claws at his torso and jugular until there is nothing left in him to fight back. And then, after she has achieved what would seem like the ultimate goal, her trophy, she licks her lips, and struts away, tail swaying behind her. leaving the mangled mess of a body for the scavengers to take care of.
Thats how i feel with men. I have over and over done the same thing as the lioness. I see what i want to have fun with and ill play with him, ill spend time with him, ill make him feel special, only because its ultimately all about me. I give him all of my attention, not necessarily because i like him or he deserves it but because i want the same attention back. I have even gone as far as to make a man believe that im in love with him, when i know im just using him to fill my own emotional void. When he becomes comfortable with the situation and he thinks, "Chan's not going anywhere",he begins to run a lil slower, He may even feel comfortable disrespecting me, or thinking hes using me, he's turning his head back at me now..."i know u not gonna do nothing" When he decides im crowding his space and working his nerves and turns full face towards me to reject my advances and my "love" for him, i get a lil more power...my gaze is focused....but when i pounce i tear down everything i built up for him....i take away his security, his contentness, his thought that he has the upper hand in the situation. I break him down emotionally, financially, mentally, and sometimes physically if i have to...and then, when im done playing and teaching him a lesson, i walk away and leave the leftovers for some other woman to put together.
Its all about the chase, once i got you, i dont want you anymore.
Am i proud of the way i am? not neccessarily. I have done some really cruel things and played with alot of emotions. but at least i can acknowledge that it was all to feed my own ego and emotional voids. Will I ever change? I dont know....As for my new friend that I so easily bonded with, She told her husband that she was not going to be faithful, so they are now separated. She knows that she, just as I can probably never ever have a full, meaningful and lasting relationship with any one man. because once it get to that point, the chase is over.....and then what do we do?
Have you ever watched the nature channel or animal planet? I love watching lions. They are so majestic to me. I've even found myself more physically attracted to men who are leos. But to watch the king of the jungle hunt is a sight that fixes me and amazes me each and everytime. When a lionness is hunting, she'll lay in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce and take her opponent down. But there are times when she is just practicing or training her cubs how to fend for themselves. Its those times that I identify myself with now. A lioness will sit and watch, just as if she was going to bring the prize home to her babies. But she doesnt really want this particular trophy, she just wants to play. She'll chase the poor animal, running in circles, nipping at his heels, laughing to herself. Then every once in awhile, the prey grows tired of the chase and thinks he's not in any real danger, so he'll slow down, just enough. he'll turn his head in a taunting manner, he may even rear back and try to charge at his persuer. But that is when the queen of the jungle changes her mind and basically says "fuck it! Who does this dude think he is?? I'm playing with him, he cant play with me!" And her hind legs gain a little more power. her gaze is focused now. she has decided to go in for the kill, only because she feels rejected and toyed with. She pounces on him! Digs her razor sharp teeth into his flesh, tosses his body to and fro, claws at his torso and jugular until there is nothing left in him to fight back. And then, after she has achieved what would seem like the ultimate goal, her trophy, she licks her lips, and struts away, tail swaying behind her. leaving the mangled mess of a body for the scavengers to take care of.
Thats how i feel with men. I have over and over done the same thing as the lioness. I see what i want to have fun with and ill play with him, ill spend time with him, ill make him feel special, only because its ultimately all about me. I give him all of my attention, not necessarily because i like him or he deserves it but because i want the same attention back. I have even gone as far as to make a man believe that im in love with him, when i know im just using him to fill my own emotional void. When he becomes comfortable with the situation and he thinks, "Chan's not going anywhere",he begins to run a lil slower, He may even feel comfortable disrespecting me, or thinking hes using me, he's turning his head back at me now..."i know u not gonna do nothing" When he decides im crowding his space and working his nerves and turns full face towards me to reject my advances and my "love" for him, i get a lil more power...my gaze is focused....but when i pounce i tear down everything i built up for him....i take away his security, his contentness, his thought that he has the upper hand in the situation. I break him down emotionally, financially, mentally, and sometimes physically if i have to...and then, when im done playing and teaching him a lesson, i walk away and leave the leftovers for some other woman to put together.
Its all about the chase, once i got you, i dont want you anymore.
Am i proud of the way i am? not neccessarily. I have done some really cruel things and played with alot of emotions. but at least i can acknowledge that it was all to feed my own ego and emotional voids. Will I ever change? I dont know....As for my new friend that I so easily bonded with, She told her husband that she was not going to be faithful, so they are now separated. She knows that she, just as I can probably never ever have a full, meaningful and lasting relationship with any one man. because once it get to that point, the chase is over.....and then what do we do?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
te amo mas hoy que ayer....
When i walked into the break room i saw him filling out an application. He looked up, i said hello, in his broken english he replied "alo". I got my tea and went back to my desk. I saw miguel, the shipping and handling manager, a few minutes later.
"Miguelito, quien es? (Who is that?)"
"Some guy applying for the warehouse. Why?"
"Just asking."
Miguel laughed.
I was one of only a few natural born english speaking employees, so i got a chance to practice my spanish and even learned a lil russian. But miguel, who i called my hermanoso (big brother) always tried to make me speak in strictly spanish. So when i met juancarlos it came in handy since he had just moved to newark from puerto rico. Because i worked in the main office and the shipping dept i would see him regularly. We always got to work about the same time and had lunch with each other and the other workers a few times. Because we were both younger than most of the other workers they always tried to get us together and tease us saying we were esposos (married).
One day i was typing up shipping labels and he came into the room. The door was already closed but he kept looking out the window. I asked him what was wrong with him. And he asked for miguel. "Hes in the warehouse i think." Juancarlos left and miguel came in a few minutes later. Laughing. "Que pasa miguelito?" He was laughing so hard he was red. "Shanita, u got an admirer!" "Who? And why is that so funny???" "Porque he no want to tell you. He's... .como se dice? Shy." "Shy? Who? Juanito?" Now im laughing. At the time i was 5'7" about 185lbs. Juancarlos was about 5'3" maybe 135lbs!!! Just the visual alone was hilarious.
Eventually Juancarlos came back into the office. Again i was alone, he sits up on the desk and smiles at me. "What?" I tried to sound aggravated but he was just so cute, even cuter now that i knew he liked me. He proceeded to tell me in spanglish (a mix of english and spanish) about his crush. "I had a dream about u. U were dancing for me. U looked so nice. Then we kissed and i woke up." I wanted to make sure i understood him correctly. So i repeated it back to him. I heard him right. We both just started laughing. A few days later it was raining and juanito asked me for a ride home. Of course miguel and another worker were standing there watching.
I pull up to his house in my honda and my hand is resting on the gear shift. He places his hand on top of mine and says to me in spanish "the way u hold this i want u to hold something else." Oh really! He leaned over and kissed me. It just felt right. Never mind that i had a boyfriend, never mind that he had a wife back in PR. At that moment, and every moment after he was mine and i was his.
We continued our affair for a few months,sneaking off at lunch, spending saturdays together, naively thinking it was our lil secret. One day he called and told me he was moving with his brother in georgia. My heart stopped. His last day at work he came into my office. "Mi amor, ya me voy" that was it.
Months went by without a word from him. Then one day the phone rang. "Hola mi amor." My face lit up. Then i had to tell him i was pregnant...
"Miguelito, quien es? (Who is that?)"
"Some guy applying for the warehouse. Why?"
"Just asking."
Miguel laughed.
I was one of only a few natural born english speaking employees, so i got a chance to practice my spanish and even learned a lil russian. But miguel, who i called my hermanoso (big brother) always tried to make me speak in strictly spanish. So when i met juancarlos it came in handy since he had just moved to newark from puerto rico. Because i worked in the main office and the shipping dept i would see him regularly. We always got to work about the same time and had lunch with each other and the other workers a few times. Because we were both younger than most of the other workers they always tried to get us together and tease us saying we were esposos (married).
One day i was typing up shipping labels and he came into the room. The door was already closed but he kept looking out the window. I asked him what was wrong with him. And he asked for miguel. "Hes in the warehouse i think." Juancarlos left and miguel came in a few minutes later. Laughing. "Que pasa miguelito?" He was laughing so hard he was red. "Shanita, u got an admirer!" "Who? And why is that so funny???" "Porque he no want to tell you. He's... .como se dice? Shy." "Shy? Who? Juanito?" Now im laughing. At the time i was 5'7" about 185lbs. Juancarlos was about 5'3" maybe 135lbs!!! Just the visual alone was hilarious.
Eventually Juancarlos came back into the office. Again i was alone, he sits up on the desk and smiles at me. "What?" I tried to sound aggravated but he was just so cute, even cuter now that i knew he liked me. He proceeded to tell me in spanglish (a mix of english and spanish) about his crush. "I had a dream about u. U were dancing for me. U looked so nice. Then we kissed and i woke up." I wanted to make sure i understood him correctly. So i repeated it back to him. I heard him right. We both just started laughing. A few days later it was raining and juanito asked me for a ride home. Of course miguel and another worker were standing there watching.
I pull up to his house in my honda and my hand is resting on the gear shift. He places his hand on top of mine and says to me in spanish "the way u hold this i want u to hold something else." Oh really! He leaned over and kissed me. It just felt right. Never mind that i had a boyfriend, never mind that he had a wife back in PR. At that moment, and every moment after he was mine and i was his.
We continued our affair for a few months,sneaking off at lunch, spending saturdays together, naively thinking it was our lil secret. One day he called and told me he was moving with his brother in georgia. My heart stopped. His last day at work he came into my office. "Mi amor, ya me voy" that was it.
Months went by without a word from him. Then one day the phone rang. "Hola mi amor." My face lit up. Then i had to tell him i was pregnant...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Come back to Jamaica
So, my dad called from Jamaica early sunday morning....I'm always happy to talk to my father, because now that he's getting older and i've matured (somewhat) I really want to have a relationship with him outside of all the abuse and drama of the past. Well, on sunday i got a chance to talk to my 9 yr old Sister, Chantal. She has such a soft voice and such a strong accent, all i could do was smile while i was on the phone with her. I love how she says my name! She sounds so sweet. And my oldest son Jonathan had just woke up and came into the room when the phone rang, so he was able to speak to my father and his aunt for the very first time. His face just lit up!
He has never met my father, never spoken to him, never even seen a picture, but he loves his "Grandpoppy" just like he raised him. Jonathan has asked why he wasn't around, and I am always honest with my kids. I told him, Grandpoppy wasn't a very nice man when he was younger and he was really mean to Mema. He wasn't a citizen of this country so when Grandpoppy got into really big trouble they sent him back to Jamaica and he can't come see us, so maybe one day we'll go to see him. About every month or so, Jonathan asks "when we are we going to see Grandpoppy?" lol
About 2 weeks ago, my father's other son, Avery called as well. Again, it was Jonathan and Justice's first time talking to him. It was so cute, because anyone who knows Justice, knows he hasn't perfected his pronunciation yet. He has a few words that he says extrememly clearly, like, "No","Eat","Pee","Cece" and "Addie" and can sing more clearly than he will speak. But when he got on the phone with my brother he said clear as day "Hi Uncle Avery!!" Avery's picture is hanging up in my living room, so my boys know what he looks like.
I haven't seen him since he was about 2. We kinda just wrote him off because he was a child from outside of my mother and father's marriage. My brother Harold hasn't even acknowledged Avery Or my dad as being in existence, much less being blood relatives. My sister and I have forgiven Daddy and accepted our brother and sister, but I sense even she has her reservations about the situation.
Avery is one year older than Harold and he hasn't seen our father since he was about 3 either. We always tend to forget that, it's not that Daddy abandoned any of us, he was deported and didn't have a chance to bond with his sons. And neither Avery nor Chantal asked to be in this situation anymore than Harold, Tiffani or myself did. Why should I punish my blood for something they had no control over?
Like I said, Harold doesnt talk about Daddy, Avery, Chantal, not even the country of Jamaica. So he and I have never had a heartfelt conversation about it, like I have had with Tiffani and Avery. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I cant speak for him, at all but i know how i felt all of those years. Hopefully, one day he'll come around and at least be willing to write them.
Avery is so much like Harold it's scary. (Aside from the criminal aspects) They both look just like my father, except Avery is lighter. They both rap. They're both cocky. (Avery told me that his brother can't see him on the mic) And they both are very loving and protective. Especially of me. I can almost guarantee that if Avery was home, he and Harold would be best friends, I promise you. Avery wants so bad to be in touch with Harold, but he understands why Harold won't allow it. He sounds so broken when he talks about what could have been with Harold. He even boasts to the other prisoners about his lil brother that's he's never seen.
It hurts my heart to know that I may never see my (half)brother. Because of whatever actions he made, he may be in prison for a long time and I dont visit jail. Especially if i'd have to travel 4 or 5 hrs to do it. But I make sure that i write to him and accept his calls.
I try to respect my mother by not talking to her about my father and his kids. When Avery was first trying to get in contact with us through my Uncle Jonah and cousin Brian, I sat down with my mother and asked her how she felt about it. She said it doesnt matter to her if I contacted him, but I really have the feeling that she feels some type of way about it. And can anyone blame her?
My father asked me to write a letter to the department of immigration asking for him to have a temporary visa so that he can come and visit us. Part of me wanted to tell him, "get the fuck outta here" because, even though I forgave him, I cannot forget what he put our family through. But then again part of me wants to see him, hug him, laugh with him, go out to lunch, take care of him, be his daughter. I dont know what I should do.
I dont want to disrespect my mother. I dont want to disrespect my father either, but when it comes down to it, my mother has always been my dad so she gets 2 votes. No matter how much it hurts me, she comes first. So, I'm saving up for my trip to Jamaica next year....
He has never met my father, never spoken to him, never even seen a picture, but he loves his "Grandpoppy" just like he raised him. Jonathan has asked why he wasn't around, and I am always honest with my kids. I told him, Grandpoppy wasn't a very nice man when he was younger and he was really mean to Mema. He wasn't a citizen of this country so when Grandpoppy got into really big trouble they sent him back to Jamaica and he can't come see us, so maybe one day we'll go to see him. About every month or so, Jonathan asks "when we are we going to see Grandpoppy?" lol
About 2 weeks ago, my father's other son, Avery called as well. Again, it was Jonathan and Justice's first time talking to him. It was so cute, because anyone who knows Justice, knows he hasn't perfected his pronunciation yet. He has a few words that he says extrememly clearly, like, "No","Eat","Pee","Cece" and "Addie" and can sing more clearly than he will speak. But when he got on the phone with my brother he said clear as day "Hi Uncle Avery!!" Avery's picture is hanging up in my living room, so my boys know what he looks like.
I haven't seen him since he was about 2. We kinda just wrote him off because he was a child from outside of my mother and father's marriage. My brother Harold hasn't even acknowledged Avery Or my dad as being in existence, much less being blood relatives. My sister and I have forgiven Daddy and accepted our brother and sister, but I sense even she has her reservations about the situation.
Avery is one year older than Harold and he hasn't seen our father since he was about 3 either. We always tend to forget that, it's not that Daddy abandoned any of us, he was deported and didn't have a chance to bond with his sons. And neither Avery nor Chantal asked to be in this situation anymore than Harold, Tiffani or myself did. Why should I punish my blood for something they had no control over?
Like I said, Harold doesnt talk about Daddy, Avery, Chantal, not even the country of Jamaica. So he and I have never had a heartfelt conversation about it, like I have had with Tiffani and Avery. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I cant speak for him, at all but i know how i felt all of those years. Hopefully, one day he'll come around and at least be willing to write them.
Avery is so much like Harold it's scary. (Aside from the criminal aspects) They both look just like my father, except Avery is lighter. They both rap. They're both cocky. (Avery told me that his brother can't see him on the mic) And they both are very loving and protective. Especially of me. I can almost guarantee that if Avery was home, he and Harold would be best friends, I promise you. Avery wants so bad to be in touch with Harold, but he understands why Harold won't allow it. He sounds so broken when he talks about what could have been with Harold. He even boasts to the other prisoners about his lil brother that's he's never seen.
It hurts my heart to know that I may never see my (half)brother. Because of whatever actions he made, he may be in prison for a long time and I dont visit jail. Especially if i'd have to travel 4 or 5 hrs to do it. But I make sure that i write to him and accept his calls.
I try to respect my mother by not talking to her about my father and his kids. When Avery was first trying to get in contact with us through my Uncle Jonah and cousin Brian, I sat down with my mother and asked her how she felt about it. She said it doesnt matter to her if I contacted him, but I really have the feeling that she feels some type of way about it. And can anyone blame her?
My father asked me to write a letter to the department of immigration asking for him to have a temporary visa so that he can come and visit us. Part of me wanted to tell him, "get the fuck outta here" because, even though I forgave him, I cannot forget what he put our family through. But then again part of me wants to see him, hug him, laugh with him, go out to lunch, take care of him, be his daughter. I dont know what I should do.
I dont want to disrespect my mother. I dont want to disrespect my father either, but when it comes down to it, my mother has always been my dad so she gets 2 votes. No matter how much it hurts me, she comes first. So, I'm saving up for my trip to Jamaica next year....
Monday, March 28, 2011
I gave in once....
I ran into my ex-fiancee the other day on the bus. He still looks exactly the same. Have you ever seen Ghostface Killer from Wu-Tang Clan? That's Bobby! lol He sat next to me and kissed me on the cheek. Immediately Jonathan yells, "who that?" lol Bobby and I talked for a few minutes before I got to my stop and when I got off, i told Jonathan, "that was almost your daddy"
"what? how u figure that?"
"because, before I met your dad, I was about to marry him."
"and what happened?"
**New Years Day 1995**
It was exceptionally warm. I remember, because I was wearing a skirt, and decided to walk home from night out in Irvington. I cut across the park and saw this guy playing with his pitbull. The dog started to run towards me, I could tell she was a puppy, and I'm not afraid of dogs anyway so I didn't jump.
"Venaca! Venaca!"
I look up confused, because he didn't look latin, I knew I was latin, so i figured he wasn't telling me to come here, so i figured by the way he was demanding that his dog must have understood Spanish.....1 point for him! (I've always loved the spanish language so just the thought that in the heat of the moment someone can flip and start speaking in another tongue drove me crazy!)
"Hablas espanol?"
"un poquito"
"that's dope, whats the dogs name?"
We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers and i continued my walk home. Not even really expecting to hear from him.
A few days later he calls and we talk on the phone for awhile. You know how you sit on the phone and talk to somebody for hours and don't even realize how long you've been on the phone for? yeah, like that! And he was a Scorpio too!.....2 points!
But that is the reason, to this day that I don't trust Scorpios! I know it's sort of hypocritical, but every scorpio I have ever been with is amazing in bed, but a complete dog! The weird thing is that I stay friends with them, but never ever have an interest in a relationship. All because of this dude!
Bobby had a daughter, no problem, but his baby's mother was crazy. She lived in south jersey though, so she and I never had a run in, actually, when we did meet, she had no problems with me....i guess crazy, recognized crazy lol He lived in his mother's house, with her and his 2 brothers. His mother was a Jehovah's Witness and disabled, so he pretty much took care of her, since his older brother was in the streets and the younger one was still in school at the time. He was very charismatic, he won over my friends, my sister, even my mother!! which, in and of itself is a miracle.....3 points!
We dated off and on for a few years, like I said he was a dog....His mother used to always call me "Dawn", but i never thought anything of it, because people mess my name up all the time. after awhile, i stopped correcting her. Then one day I had a dream that Bobby was in a large swimming pool with this light skinned girl with short blonde hair, and I kept trying to get him out of the pool and he wouldn't get out. I was really into my dreams back then, so i looked up "pool, water, swimming" and something came up that dreams about water meant sex!! (Now whether that interpretation is true or not, i dont know, but it was enough of an explanation for me!) I brought it to his attention, of course he dismissed it. I described the girl in my dream to his mother, she never said a thing. So one day, I decided to pop up at the house unannounced. I walk in and there's this girl sitting in the living room, light-skinned with short blonde hair. I looked at her, looked at bobby's lil brother and went to say hi to his mother. His brother came to me in the kitchen as i was doing the dishes and tried to tell me the girl was there for him, that Bobby had went out with lil Bobby and Ed and wouldn't be back for a few hours. Apparently "Dawn" was sitting there waiting for him too.
That was the first time we broke up. After that, I never trusted him fully but i by that time I had already fallen in love. And when I love someone I will fight to keep them in my life....I hate that part of myself. But I loved visiting Bobby, because he lived right around the corner from Redman's mother, so I would see Redman all the time...(Yall know I love me some Reggie Noble!) lol and all of Bobby's friends were cool and seemed to like having me hanging out with them. I never nagged Bobby, especially not in front of his boys, I just chilled. Well, one day I found out just how much his friends liked having me around. I was in the hall, talking to one of his friends. He was about 5'10", maybe 160-170 lbs, all muscle, light skin, gorgeous face, pretty eyes....but that's my man's boy, I could never look at him as anything else but. But apparently, he didnt have the same code of ethics. He leanded me against the wall and before I even knew what was going on, he had kissed me right on my mouth! I pushed him off and told him if he didnt leave right now, I was going to get Bobby and have him kick his ass. So he left, but i kinda wished i had it in me to kiss him back....
Bobby was just like me, we had a ball together all the time...no matter what one of us wanted to do, whether it was playing laser tag or bar hopping we were always down. once we went to the Gordon Elliott Show (yeah, that long ago) and the topic was "College kids who drink too much" We sat right in the front row, with our Drew University sweatshirts on and in between commercials, we were trying to get the college kids to come back to newark and party with us, just cuz they were cool. well, after the show, which was filmed up near columbus circle, we went to the liquor store, rolled up and took a walk around the city.....not realizing that not only could you not smoke on the streets of NY, not only that you couldn't drink on the streets of NY even if it is in a plastic cup but we had no idea that the Police station was right there! We're standing there and all of a sudden all of these people just surround us. As i look I start to see the badges sticking out from their plain clothes. Oh shit!!! I had a full cup of vodka in my hand, I turned and downed the whole thing in one gulp. WE explain to the cops that we were from Jersey and just came from the Gordon Elliott Show and when we told them what the topic of the show was, they just laughed. all we got was a ticket, but i'll never forget it.
It was close to Christmas, I remember, because we had just came from seeing the preacher's wife with Denzel and Whitney and we went to dinner at one of the italian restaurants in Madison. It was a really nice night. We went home and laid in the bed, talking. Out of the blue, he asks "Would you marry me?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"No I mean, Would you marry me?"
"You bugging!! where are we gonna live? with your mother or mine?"
"Chan, I'm serious." and he looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes. "i dont have a ring right now, but I can get you one."
"I dont care about a ring, baby."
"So? will you marry me?"
"Yes."
One day, after they moved to Hillside, I was spending the night at the house, helping to take care of his mother because he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. So the phone rings and I answer it.
"Is Bobby there?" I could tell she was a hoodrat by her accent.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"His girlfriend!"
I laughed and immediately went into defense mode
"Oh," I said very calmly "and WHICH girlfriend is this?" she said her name "Ok, well, blah blah blah, This is is fiancee but I wil definitely make sure he gets your message. Have a goodnight!"
I surprised myself with how calm I was. thats when I realized that when I get to the point where I'm fed up and I cant take anymore, that I stop caring. I tell dudes all the time, as long as i'm screaming, yelling and throwing things, i still care. When I stop doing all those things it means I've given up. but anyway....Bobby came home and I was sitting in the room with his mother. He came and kissed me on the cheek. I waited about 10 minutes and said,
"Oh! Babe, you had a phone call earlier."
"who was it?"
"your girlfriend." I said it matter of factly, his whole face changed.
We went into the kitchen and argued for a min, back and forth, he cried and cried. I left that night, and didnt speak to him for 3 days. When I finally did speak to him, I was drunk and decided I was done. So I ended everything. I was so distraught, maybe not so much over losing him but rather the time i wasted, that I started drinking extra heavy. All i would eat was popcorn, drink pepsi, heinekens and smoke. I lost so much weight, people thought I was sick. I ran into him a couple of times after it was all over, and we still greet each other like it was yesterday. but that's where it stops.
**Last week**
"And what happened?"
"Nothing, we just broke up that's all. And then I met your dad and we had you!"
"And it was happily ever after right?" My oldest son smiled.
"yep, happily ever after."
"what? how u figure that?"
"because, before I met your dad, I was about to marry him."
"and what happened?"
**New Years Day 1995**
It was exceptionally warm. I remember, because I was wearing a skirt, and decided to walk home from night out in Irvington. I cut across the park and saw this guy playing with his pitbull. The dog started to run towards me, I could tell she was a puppy, and I'm not afraid of dogs anyway so I didn't jump.
"Venaca! Venaca!"
I look up confused, because he didn't look latin, I knew I was latin, so i figured he wasn't telling me to come here, so i figured by the way he was demanding that his dog must have understood Spanish.....1 point for him! (I've always loved the spanish language so just the thought that in the heat of the moment someone can flip and start speaking in another tongue drove me crazy!)
"Hablas espanol?"
"un poquito"
"that's dope, whats the dogs name?"
We talked for a little while, exchanged numbers and i continued my walk home. Not even really expecting to hear from him.
A few days later he calls and we talk on the phone for awhile. You know how you sit on the phone and talk to somebody for hours and don't even realize how long you've been on the phone for? yeah, like that! And he was a Scorpio too!.....2 points!
But that is the reason, to this day that I don't trust Scorpios! I know it's sort of hypocritical, but every scorpio I have ever been with is amazing in bed, but a complete dog! The weird thing is that I stay friends with them, but never ever have an interest in a relationship. All because of this dude!
Bobby had a daughter, no problem, but his baby's mother was crazy. She lived in south jersey though, so she and I never had a run in, actually, when we did meet, she had no problems with me....i guess crazy, recognized crazy lol He lived in his mother's house, with her and his 2 brothers. His mother was a Jehovah's Witness and disabled, so he pretty much took care of her, since his older brother was in the streets and the younger one was still in school at the time. He was very charismatic, he won over my friends, my sister, even my mother!! which, in and of itself is a miracle.....3 points!
We dated off and on for a few years, like I said he was a dog....His mother used to always call me "Dawn", but i never thought anything of it, because people mess my name up all the time. after awhile, i stopped correcting her. Then one day I had a dream that Bobby was in a large swimming pool with this light skinned girl with short blonde hair, and I kept trying to get him out of the pool and he wouldn't get out. I was really into my dreams back then, so i looked up "pool, water, swimming" and something came up that dreams about water meant sex!! (Now whether that interpretation is true or not, i dont know, but it was enough of an explanation for me!) I brought it to his attention, of course he dismissed it. I described the girl in my dream to his mother, she never said a thing. So one day, I decided to pop up at the house unannounced. I walk in and there's this girl sitting in the living room, light-skinned with short blonde hair. I looked at her, looked at bobby's lil brother and went to say hi to his mother. His brother came to me in the kitchen as i was doing the dishes and tried to tell me the girl was there for him, that Bobby had went out with lil Bobby and Ed and wouldn't be back for a few hours. Apparently "Dawn" was sitting there waiting for him too.
That was the first time we broke up. After that, I never trusted him fully but i by that time I had already fallen in love. And when I love someone I will fight to keep them in my life....I hate that part of myself. But I loved visiting Bobby, because he lived right around the corner from Redman's mother, so I would see Redman all the time...(Yall know I love me some Reggie Noble!) lol and all of Bobby's friends were cool and seemed to like having me hanging out with them. I never nagged Bobby, especially not in front of his boys, I just chilled. Well, one day I found out just how much his friends liked having me around. I was in the hall, talking to one of his friends. He was about 5'10", maybe 160-170 lbs, all muscle, light skin, gorgeous face, pretty eyes....but that's my man's boy, I could never look at him as anything else but. But apparently, he didnt have the same code of ethics. He leanded me against the wall and before I even knew what was going on, he had kissed me right on my mouth! I pushed him off and told him if he didnt leave right now, I was going to get Bobby and have him kick his ass. So he left, but i kinda wished i had it in me to kiss him back....
Bobby was just like me, we had a ball together all the time...no matter what one of us wanted to do, whether it was playing laser tag or bar hopping we were always down. once we went to the Gordon Elliott Show (yeah, that long ago) and the topic was "College kids who drink too much" We sat right in the front row, with our Drew University sweatshirts on and in between commercials, we were trying to get the college kids to come back to newark and party with us, just cuz they were cool. well, after the show, which was filmed up near columbus circle, we went to the liquor store, rolled up and took a walk around the city.....not realizing that not only could you not smoke on the streets of NY, not only that you couldn't drink on the streets of NY even if it is in a plastic cup but we had no idea that the Police station was right there! We're standing there and all of a sudden all of these people just surround us. As i look I start to see the badges sticking out from their plain clothes. Oh shit!!! I had a full cup of vodka in my hand, I turned and downed the whole thing in one gulp. WE explain to the cops that we were from Jersey and just came from the Gordon Elliott Show and when we told them what the topic of the show was, they just laughed. all we got was a ticket, but i'll never forget it.
It was close to Christmas, I remember, because we had just came from seeing the preacher's wife with Denzel and Whitney and we went to dinner at one of the italian restaurants in Madison. It was a really nice night. We went home and laid in the bed, talking. Out of the blue, he asks "Would you marry me?"
"Yeah, why not?"
"No I mean, Would you marry me?"
"You bugging!! where are we gonna live? with your mother or mine?"
"Chan, I'm serious." and he looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes. "i dont have a ring right now, but I can get you one."
"I dont care about a ring, baby."
"So? will you marry me?"
"Yes."
One day, after they moved to Hillside, I was spending the night at the house, helping to take care of his mother because he was going out and wouldn't be home until late. So the phone rings and I answer it.
"Is Bobby there?" I could tell she was a hoodrat by her accent.
"May I ask who's calling?"
"His girlfriend!"
I laughed and immediately went into defense mode
"Oh," I said very calmly "and WHICH girlfriend is this?" she said her name "Ok, well, blah blah blah, This is is fiancee but I wil definitely make sure he gets your message. Have a goodnight!"
I surprised myself with how calm I was. thats when I realized that when I get to the point where I'm fed up and I cant take anymore, that I stop caring. I tell dudes all the time, as long as i'm screaming, yelling and throwing things, i still care. When I stop doing all those things it means I've given up. but anyway....Bobby came home and I was sitting in the room with his mother. He came and kissed me on the cheek. I waited about 10 minutes and said,
"Oh! Babe, you had a phone call earlier."
"who was it?"
"your girlfriend." I said it matter of factly, his whole face changed.
We went into the kitchen and argued for a min, back and forth, he cried and cried. I left that night, and didnt speak to him for 3 days. When I finally did speak to him, I was drunk and decided I was done. So I ended everything. I was so distraught, maybe not so much over losing him but rather the time i wasted, that I started drinking extra heavy. All i would eat was popcorn, drink pepsi, heinekens and smoke. I lost so much weight, people thought I was sick. I ran into him a couple of times after it was all over, and we still greet each other like it was yesterday. but that's where it stops.
**Last week**
"And what happened?"
"Nothing, we just broke up that's all. And then I met your dad and we had you!"
"And it was happily ever after right?" My oldest son smiled.
"yep, happily ever after."
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Phone test video
Justice imitating wocka flocka and playing me out
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