The shop is closed!

First thing ppl say when I tell them.i.just had a hysterectomy is ”good for you! No more periods!”

Yes that is the best part!!! No more pain from cramps, no more pads, tampons, period panties, praying  it comes while im at home so I dont bleed through my clothes, asking my sister and nieces ”check my butt for me”, headaches, swollen titties, tight fitting clothes, emotional rampages....yes....no period is the best part!!! But..... The best always has a worst side

About 6 or 7 months ago I had cramps so bad I had to call out of work...(I dont do that) I laid in the fetal postion of my bed for the entire morning. Finally I felt a lil better, stood up to get dressed and the pain shot thru me again, forcing me back on the bed in tears. I had never had cramps this bad. Over the next few days the pain subsided little by little. The next month the same thing happened but the pain took longer to go away. I made an appointment to see Dr Bridges (my ob/gyn for the past 12 yrs). after meeting with her it was determined that my fibroids had probably grown and after a ”few” tests and because of my medical background ”down there” I would be a candidate for a hysterectomy. My first thought...”yes!!! No more periods!”

with my first son I developed preeclampsia which turned to toxemia which progressed to HELLP syndrome. after hrs of induced labor with no progression I had to have a c section. After being home a few days a stitch popped and going back to the doctor they found a blood clot the size of a sausage. I was not stitched back up, instead i.was sent home with an open wound, stuffed with gauze pads like a Thanksgiving turkey. For 6 Weeks I had a nurse come to my house twice a day and change my dressing until my abdomen healed, layer by layer. So no question, the doctor didn't want to take any chances with my second son and my pressure so I had a scheduled c section this time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to recover properly because I had to still get my oldest to school eveeyday.... Nobody helped me, so at less than a week old I covered my baby, put him in a carrier and took my c  sectioned belly and got on a public, germ filled bus....btw, with no pain killers BC his father ”forgot” to get my prescription.

I wasnt bothered at first about not being able to have more children...I didnt ”want” the 2 that I have. They just showed up. Everything seemed perfect at first. Then those FEW tests kept mutiplying. More ailments popped up during each one... My pressure was skyrocketing, mind u I was dealing with my fathers illnesses as well and stressing BC I cant get to him. I was checked for enlarged heart, blood clots, had to do a stress test, gave more blood than I did with either of my pregnancies...the whole time, im still trying to maintain who I am and still be Mommy.

My energy dwindled a lil everyday. I stopped being active, I couldn't do anything but rest. Not even sleep. At this time I was in pain almost everyday, not only during that time of month. I would be in the middle of doing someones hair and have to sit down. The doctor gave me a prescription but it didnt stop the pain. Oddly enough, the only time it stopped was when I had a cigarette. I guess because it constricted the blood flow and the fibroids weren't being ”fed”.

People were talking....people always talk but suddenly I was a topic...not because of my mouth this time but people questioned my health. ”if she's sick why is she out?” So I stopped going out. Then even ppl who were supposed to be close to me questioned me. How do u explain to someone that yes I look healthy on the outside but I hurt inside? That majority of this process is emotional....im throwing away what makes me a woman. God created me and by no fault of my own I now have to be recreated..and still smile for the cameras, still crack jokes, still ”be” happy....even when you're depressed as shit!!!

As the time neared for this operation I would cry for days on end.... How am I going to take care of my kids? Im a hairdresser, I dont have disability insurance, I am not on welfare, I am the soul parent and my mother, who helps me tremendously, is on a fixed income. Then, out of nowhere, I realized I would never never never have another child. If I ever get married, thats one thing I can never give my husband. I fell into a deeper depression, so I started to drink more....but in my house, out of the public eye. I switched from my usual bud ice to sangria thinking it was healthier. So I drank alot more, just to get tipsy. Luckily,im told im a happy fun drunk.

Everything u can think of ran thru my head over those next few Weeks. My mother wakes up during her surgeries...what if that happens to me and I freak out on the table. What if I get a blood clot and it travels and I die. what if they cut my bladder and I get infected. What if my pressure drops and I bleed out.....what if....what if....WHAT IF!!! This was my first major surgery, outside of my 2 cesareans. But the difference was I got a baby out of those. I was shook!!! Nervous as hell!!

The morning of the surgery I was fine, to my surprise. I had learned by this time that alot of women in my family (and friends) had hysterectomies for the same reason. I came to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter. I even accepted that I am still a woman, Even without my womanly parts. I had lived with this pain for 7 months now and I was ready for it to end!!

My mother prayed over me one last time as they unlocked the brakes and rolled me to be prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist stuck me in either side of my stomach with these long ass needles...that pain was worse than the fibroid pain. I signed the document saying I understood that I was having a supracervical hysterectomy and I will not bare children, they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out....

When I opened my eyes my best friends, my sister and my mother were right there. As I started my recovery I felt like I was getting my strength back. But I still took my time. Until I got home. My nieces, who were going to help me take care of the boys and the house, were stuck at their house. So I had to be Mommy. With a freshly stitched abdomen I had to fix beds, air conditioners, cook, clean and still had yet to even make a bowel movement. With all the,moving and lifting I ended up popping. I noticed some blood at my incision, but it wasnt alot, so I just rested. But I bled the entire weekend, not realizing how serious it was. Finally I went to the doctor who of course yelled at me. A portion of my incision now has to close on its own (yes, I have a open wound...again).  I am now confined to my bed other than showering and using the bathroom. Ive been following her orders. and im not in as much pain (until the nighttime). But I keep reminding myself, there's alot going on down there. It took God 9 months to build me...its gonna take more than 2 Weeks for me to get back together. They put u on 4-8 Weeks recovery for a reason, and its not because u deserve a vacation!

As of today I am 11 days post op. My multiple fibroids coupled with abnormal uterine tissue is the reason for all the pain I was in.

My customers are calling to see when I will be back and My landlord is calling to see when I will pay the rent. I want to heal...I want to stay on bedrest....I want to follow the doctors orders but what am I supposed to do. So although this shop is closed....ill probably see u IN the shop in about a week or two. these bills dont give a damn if I popped a stitch or if my fallopian tubes are swinging from my vagina....they just want their money.

And as I sit here day by day, the calls slow down..they stop promising to visit. They dont even text anymore. Its back to life as usual for everybody else.....and im stuck here alone. ....

Happy fucking fathers day to me!!

I thought I knew the definition of a deadbeat father.....my father was in and out of prison...but when he was home I do remember him being with us....my oldest sons father is fucktard most times, but he tries to be a good father, even doing for my other son (not his child) when he can.... I watch my male friends try their best to be there for their children...some still end up being treated unfairly by the childrens mothers... I see my brother and nephew step in for my children when their fathers cant or refuse to be there.... nobody has that leave it to beaver family but on my life, I have never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a deadbeat in my life... And it hurts...it hurts for my son to be ignored, not even denied....just ignored... For my 5 yr old to leave messages for his father ”daddy I have a gift for u!” And to hear nothing back....for Justice to KNOW his father and not be able to talk with, spend time with, play fight with his own flesh and blood....not BC daddy works too much, not BC daddy is locked up or dead, not BC mommy drove daddy away.... Simply BC daddy disappeared. Daddy is a deadbeat! he should not have to tell another man ”thank u for being a father to me BC my daddy is a pussy” he should not be telling me his daddy is named Chandrika. I gotta be hard, BC im raising two boys. I gotta teach them how to fight, how to shave.... I gotta send them to their ”uncles” and big cousins to get advice.....its not fair...... If I was one of those bitch ass baby mommas dragging them to court, lying to get extra child support, id understand. Im sick....soon I will physically not be able to provide for my children for awhile and I cant make a call and say ”daddy, justice needs...or justice wants” .....what the fuck am I supposed to do , except suck it up, wipe my tears and fucking hustle while I can.... When I say all we got is us....I mean thats it! All we got is fucking us!!!! Happy fucking fathers day to me!!!! I aint sign up for this shit!

My life

I had a dream that I hit the lottery
Only to awake to life
Kids screaming, mother nagging, egos and condescending comments
I go to work to escape life
I think I'm an alcoholic
It's 10am I got vodka in my coffee
I cry way too much
Tired of stuffing the holes in my shoes
Tired of sleeping in cars
Tired of downgrading my morals
Tired of working too hard
Tired of dodging bill collectors
Tired of financially absent baby father's
Tired of struggling
Don't ask why I drink
Ask why I haven't killed myself yet
A handful of percs
That should do it, a lil ciroc as a chaser
But what about my boys?
they're the only reason I'm here
The reason I fight
The reason why I woke up from that lottery dream
But what good is thanking God for life if u don't want it

when i die

Celebrate life everyday! Laugh at stupid jokes, say hi to ppl u don't like, eat junk food, have a beer..... U never know when ur phone will ring and u hear that voice saying "BABYGIRL IT'S TIME TO COME HOME!" and when I go I want my loved ones to be content knowing I regret nothing, I LIVED my life! Yeah I struggled, I went thru depression, I had issues but thru it all I smiled. And that's what I want y'all to do when I go....don't cry bc I'm gone, smile bc I've finally found joy! Let my kids know that their mother screwed up ALOT but they are my greatest achievements! Tell my mother I know I let her down a million times but I never meant to hurt her. Tell my father I forgave him a long time ago and no matter what he's still my Daddy. Tell Harold and Tiffani they were my rock and pillar in the middle of my destruction and I wish I was a better big sister. Tell Avery and Chantal although we didn't grow up together they are still my brother and sister and I wish our father did right by all of us but the past is the past and they are a part of me. Let my best friends know they were closer to me than my own blood and even when we fought tooth and nail I still loved them. Remind my friends that even if I went yrs without talking to them they never left my heart. Tell my baby's father's I may have hated them at some point but as they lived thru their sons so will I and I'll remind them everyday how much money they owe me! Lol my life was a mess inside of a mess inside of a shithole of a mess but if it wasn't I wouldn't be me.....and I think I'm pretty dope!

selfish

It amazes me the amount of selfishness ppl display in their everyday lives....I try my best to to help others, to support others, to be that shoulder to cry on, the one to make them smile....I do favors, I put my feelings and obligations aside to help those I care about and I can literally count on 3 fingers the amount of ppl who do the same for me....I have had ppl who stepped out of nowhere and helped me when I couldn't hold the tears back anymore, when I was at my wits end and I appreciate them so much, I can't thank them enough....but it's those others that always always always make me wanna slap the shit out of them. I'm tired of cutting ppl out of my life. Tired of not trusting, I want to be the person I know I am, but how can I when this is what I live with?

Loving Him Is Killing Me.....Speak Out Against Domestic Violence

Peace As October begins I just wanted to reiterate that this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And let me say this first and foremost! MEN ARE ABUSED TOO!! We're so busy teaching our daughters how not to be abused, we forget about our sons and the fact that some women will beat up on their man, because they know he wont hit back.

I'm not gonna get into the statistics and all that other boring stuff, instead to drive the point home, im gonna tell you a story.

I, as some of you may know, am a product of domestic violence. Whether you are the abuser, the abused or the friend or family member of a victim there is one thing that you should think about above all, the babies.

You have to understand that the children in these situations are just as abused, even if they never get physically hurt.

See, being the oldest and the one who most closely resembled my mother I experienced a lot of animosity, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Mind you my father never laid a hand on me.

My earliest memory is when I was 3 yrs old and my mother had me in the bathroom, shielding me from seeing my father getting his ass kicked by my aunts at a family cookout, because he had the bright idea to hit my mother in front of her whole family.

I saw my mother go through things that no child should ever see. One time he hit her in the head with a hammer outside of our apartment building. She drive to the Police Station with blood dripping down her face and was told that she couldn't file a report because the person that handles that was out and besides they didn't see him do it so it was out of their hands.

I was the one who had to sneak out of the house to call the cops. Hoping that I got back to the apartment before he did.

Like every other woman in the world I wondered why my mother didn't just leave and vowed never to have a man put his hands on me that way.

See I was being beat up mentally everytime I saw her beat physically. But I was a kid, I couldn't very well leave on my own.

What I didn't know at the time was that my father threatened my mother that if she left he would kill her, us kids and her family. And he could very capable of it.

She would send us to our grandparents on the weekends to get a break, but we always had to come home.

One day, for a variety of reasons and issues that have nothing to do with this story the feds came and deported my father, that's what saved us.

As we grew, my sister and I, my brother was still very young so he was spared a lot of the drama, it was hard to maintain a decent relationship with a man.

And I broke my vow to never have a man put his hands on me the way my father did my mother.

My self-esteem was so low from the mental and psychological abuse I endured that I didn't think I could get anybody better.

I also justified that because I fought back it wasn't abuse.

It wasn't until after I got pregnant that I started to wake up and realize that the cycle was starting.

I refused to bring a child into this world to grow up the way I did.

When I was 6 months pregnant I was choked unconscious. Constantly spat on, degraded and debased. I went to the hospital for a busted lip and a broken nose.

The restraining order didn't stop him. Moving out didn't stop him.

What every little girl dreams of, marrying a man like her father, became my nightmare.

I finally was able to leave him but the mental abuse still continues. Only now, I don't feed into it, which is his power.

My son will never be able to tell a story like this because I stopped the cycle.

I say all of that to say this, people will always have problems in their relationships. But there is never an excuse to be violent. The children can be scarred for life . I know I am.

This story may not mean anything to you, but if I helped one person make a life or death decision, I've done my job.

Please, if you or anyone know is being abused, get help!

ok, now for the boring stuff lol ....

www.cutitout.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE

CUT IT OUT (Salons Against Domestic Violence) is a program of the Salons Against Domestic Abuse Fund dedicated to mobilizing salon professionals and others to fight the epidemic of domestic abuse in communities across the United States. CUT IT OUT builds awareness of domestic abuse and trains salon professionals to recognize warning signs and safely refer clients to local resources.

Domestic abuse is:

o a pattern of violent and coercive tactics committed by one intimate partner against another.

o a pattern of controlling behavior that consists of physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse or assaults.

o a learned pattern of behavior.

o impactive to all those around the adult and child victim: family, friends, and co-workers.

While most perpetrators are men, it is important to remember that most men are not perpetrators.

Signs that a client or someone you know may be abused:

One sign does not prove abuse. However, a combination of them, or repeated signs, may indicate abuse.

o Bruising in different stages of healing, especially if the bruising is in areas not usually seen by others, such as the scalp

o Bald spots indicating hair has been torn or pulled out

o Frequent injuries, especially with unusual explanations

o Injuries not seen but indicated by general mobility difficulties due to soreness, tenderness, bruising

o Isolation from friends and family

o Low self-esteem, a sense that she doesn't deserve better treatment

o Self-blame or unrealistic guilt ("It's my fault, I shouldn't have made him mad.")

o Partner always accompanies client to appointments or waits outside in the parking lot

o Fear of the partner, insecurity about his actionsYou may also notice the following behavior:

o The partner dictates the frequency of her salon visits

o The partner will not allow her to change her hair color or style

o The partner is controlling or excessively jealous

What can you do if a client or someone you know is being abused?

o Believe the person who tells you that she is being abused. Her abuser may have her convinced that she is at fault or that she doesn't deserve better treatment.

o Keep whatever she tells you confidential. Her life may be at stake.

o Gently guide her to find help. Suggest that she contact her local domestic violence agency or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Suggest that she needs to consult a qualified, objective third party.

o Don't try to fix the problem for her or become her counselor – your local domestic violence agency is staffed with trained personnel to counsel victims and help to ensure their safety. All have access to a shelter or safe house. Don't put yourself in harm's way or increase the danger for the victim by getting in the middle.

Help others to understand that domestic violence is absolutely, totally unacceptable and usually escalates over time. Have the number of your local agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (1-800-799-SAFE) handy.

Where do broken hearts go?

Im in pain...not physical pain but emotional pain...the kind of pain where if there were such a thing as emotional percosets I would pop about 5 right now and just sleep for 3 days.

I was with this guy, no it wasnt very long, but it was very serious, or so I thought. Then one day out of the blue he tells me, ” we cant be together no more!”

Everything was as close to perfect as it couldve been for me. I thought he was my knight in shining armor, my prince charming...little did I know he was just another toad begging to be kissed.

I should've known something wasn't right because it was too perfect. When I told him I wanted to wait for sex, he respected my wishes. He told me he was a christian and even had a whole story concocted about how God came to him and how he was anointed. He wanted to meet my family. He acted like he loved my kids. My baby, Justice latches on to no one, not even the family, but he was hooked on this guy. He met my pastor and even went as far as asking her for relationship counseling after our first major argument. He introduced me to everyone as his fiancee and he was the first to speak of marriage. He would feed feed me, not allow me to walk across the street much less home from work, he spoiled me rotten! He had everybody fooled.

It just so happened that my sons father started some trouble and that was his excuse to leave me. For once I glad the asshole tried to destroy my relationship bc I probably never wouldve found out all the other bullshit.

After he returned the cell phone I purchased him, I saw several, not one, not two several messages from females he has been dealing with....all of them being fed the same bullshit he was feeding me. a couple of them he was ” engaged” to, a few were in love with him, at least 2 defended everything he has done and vowed to never leave him.

When I finally calm down enough to sanely ask him questions he replies with no remorse, ” im sorry if you feel like I hurt your feelings”.....what??? What about my kids? What about my family and friends? What did I do to deserve to be treated likd a pawn in some sick twisted love game?

Everybody is telling me its for the best, that im lucky I found out now and not after time was invested....but im hurt, still. I am not easy to give my heart away because I always get hurt. I damn sure dont get my kids involved. Nobodyeets my family. And no one has names. This dude stole everything from me! But I cant even calling it stealing, he tricked my heart away from me through his lies and deceptions. The worst part is that not only did he break my heart he is allowing his friends to tarnish my name by saying im a trouble maker and cause drama! So not,only do I have to try and piece together a heart that has been crushed and shredded, I have to regain and repolish my reputation at the same time.

My first instinct is to smack him with a 2x4 but hes not worth me going to jail and losing my kids. If he was on fire, I wouldn't spit on him!

They tell me, when the right one comes along ill know it.....I honestly believed he was it. He had all the qualities ive been praying for. He was so good with his bullshit my mother, pastor and uncle fell for it too!
Will I heal? Im sure I will. Will I trust again? Never!