Chasing love in the desert

I ran into this woman, and had an opportunity to speak with her in depth....or rather, she had the opportunity to speak to me. First we started talking our children. After realizing how much alike our children are, the convo got more and more interesting and deeper. She and I are so much alike (and different), its eerie. I mean, We both have 2 children with one interested in acting (she has a boy and a girl), we both are beauticians by trade (she has moved into a different profession recently), we both have committment issues (even though she is married)....And there in came my epiphany. While talking to this woman who mirrored my fears, complaints, joys, and pains I realized that I am a predator when it comes to men...somewhat like lion with its prey.

Have you ever watched the nature channel or animal planet? I love watching lions. They are so majestic to me. I've even found myself more physically attracted to men who are leos. But to watch the king of the jungle hunt is a sight that fixes me and amazes me each and everytime. When a lionness is hunting, she'll lay in wait for the perfect opportunity to pounce and take her opponent down. But there are times when she is just practicing or training her cubs how to fend for themselves. Its those times that I identify myself with now. A lioness will sit and watch, just as if she was going to bring the prize home to her babies. But she doesnt really want this particular trophy, she just wants to play. She'll chase the poor animal, running in circles, nipping at his heels, laughing to herself. Then every once in awhile, the prey grows tired of the chase and thinks he's not in any real danger, so he'll slow down, just enough. he'll turn his head in a taunting manner, he may even rear back and try to charge at his persuer. But that is when the queen of the jungle changes her mind and basically says "fuck it! Who does this dude think he is?? I'm playing with him, he cant play with me!" And her hind legs gain a little more power. her gaze is focused now. she has decided to go in for the kill, only because she feels rejected and toyed with. She pounces on him! Digs her razor sharp teeth into his flesh, tosses his body to and fro, claws at his torso and jugular until there is nothing left in him to fight back. And then, after she has achieved what would seem like the ultimate goal, her trophy, she licks her lips, and struts away, tail swaying behind her. leaving the mangled mess of a body for the scavengers to take care of.

Thats how i feel with men. I have over and over done the same thing as the lioness. I see what i want to have fun with and ill play with him, ill spend time with him, ill make him feel special, only because its ultimately all about me. I give him all of my attention, not necessarily because i like him or he deserves it but because i want the same attention back. I have even gone as far as to make a man believe that im in love with him, when i know im just using him to fill my own emotional void. When he becomes comfortable with the situation and he thinks, "Chan's not going anywhere",he begins to run a lil slower, He may even feel comfortable disrespecting me, or thinking hes using me, he's turning his head back at me now..."i know u not gonna do nothing" When he decides im crowding his space and working his nerves and turns full face towards me to reject my advances and my "love" for him, i get a lil more power...my gaze is focused....but when i pounce i tear down everything i built up for him....i take away his security, his contentness, his thought that he has the upper hand in the situation. I break him down emotionally, financially, mentally, and sometimes physically if i have to...and then, when im done playing and teaching him a lesson, i walk away and leave the leftovers for some other woman to put together.

Its all about the chase, once i got you, i dont want you anymore.

Am i proud of the way i am? not neccessarily. I have done some really cruel things and played with alot of emotions. but at least i can acknowledge that it was all to feed my own ego and emotional voids. Will I ever change? I dont know....As for my new friend that I so easily bonded with, She told her husband that she was not going to be faithful, so they are now separated. She knows that she, just as I can probably never ever have a full, meaningful and lasting relationship with any one man. because once it get to that point, the chase is over.....and then what do we do?