Why should I care how u feel? Do you care about how I feel? Do you worry if what you just said hurt me? Or what you just did, how it's effecting me? Or do you think ignoring me is ok? What if I was dying? What if something happened to your son, again? And you just don't feel like answering. How about just once when I ask a question that you fucking answer my emails? It's really not that hard. Or what if next time you have a party or event or baby being born or somebody die or go to the hospital or sell something I don't support you, I won't be there cuz u don't support me!
It may seem from the outside that I get respect, that people care how I feel. But it's not true.iT's mostly my fault. I had such low low self esteem that I let people walk all over me for years. Keeping all my emotions inside until I exploded and hurt somebody or broke something. Contributing to my heart condition and my cigarette and alcohol addictions. From my kids, their fathers, my mother, my job, my family and friends, I can probably count on one hand the people who actually respect me.
The kids are probably just being kids. I know that. But sometimes it gets so bad that I just cry cause they won't listen to me and I have no help. I don't let them see me cry of course but I have a terrible temper and I know if I touch them I'll hurt them. Their fathers? Fuhgettaboutit!!! One is so hell bent on making my life miserable that he goes out of his way to disrespect me. The other one is a natural jerkoff and doesn't realize what he does until I tell him.
My mother has been hurt so much that she turns her emotions off. I've literally come to her and told her I was depressed and wanted to end it all and she told me to "get over it". I've never heard her say she loves me or is proud of me. It may be true but I'm an emotional person and I need to hear it.
At work, people seem to think I'm still an assistant, even though I've been there for 5-1/2 yrs and a stylist for way over 4 yrs.
I have friends and family, probably you, who only are available when they need me. I can send emails and texts all day about reunions and get togethers and party invitations and I get no response. But as soon as they have something they need me to support all of a sudden aol is working and verizons towers are clear.
I'm so afraid of confrontation that I don't say anything when I feel disrespected. I don't know how to communicate. In my house growing up we didn't talk, we fought. So I think if I say something in gonna have to fight. Verbally or physically and I don't want to go there just cause I feel slighted. If i wait until i calm down enough to talk without getting excited, either i forget what pissed me off in the first place or i feel like its a waste of time to say something. Like I said, I know it's my fault. But what can I do? Either start speaking up or be a bitch or blog lmao so we'll see.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I bet if I don't do it, you'll realize how much I do
Somebody told me today "I'm sorry about what you're going through" because I told him that he doesn't appreciate what i've done for him. WTH? It ain't about me going through anything. The troubles I'm having now are mainly financial. Which means yes I am vexed over it but eventually it will subside, even for a day or two. But being neglected, looked over, unappreciated, unnoticed, that will never subside.
I don't know why I expect any different. I clean the house just to have toys strewn all over in a matter of minutes. I reunite family and they have entire relationships without even acknowledging my efforts. I go out of my way to get to work early, staying there thru all the ups and downs, clean up other peoples leftover mess, be nice to co workers and customers I don't like just for someone else to get praised for it.
Yeah I know I sound selfish and egocentric but so what. It would be nice just once in awhile to be acknowledged for my work. But the minute I stop doing it, then they'll notice. I know you probably go thru this too, it's not just me. So everybody all together, say it with me ..... "WOOOOOOSAAAAAAHH!!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I don't know why I expect any different. I clean the house just to have toys strewn all over in a matter of minutes. I reunite family and they have entire relationships without even acknowledging my efforts. I go out of my way to get to work early, staying there thru all the ups and downs, clean up other peoples leftover mess, be nice to co workers and customers I don't like just for someone else to get praised for it.
Yeah I know I sound selfish and egocentric but so what. It would be nice just once in awhile to be acknowledged for my work. But the minute I stop doing it, then they'll notice. I know you probably go thru this too, it's not just me. So everybody all together, say it with me ..... "WOOOOOOSAAAAAAHH!!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sink or swim
I feel like im sinking. Like the waves are crashing over my head and everytime i come up for air another tide comes in and pushes me backwards. Have you ever tried to run in an ocean? You try to jump over the waves but you can never get high enough. You try to swim back to shore but youre not fast enough. You try to brace yourself and stand against the force of the water but it hurts so bad when it crashes into you. Finally you just give up and give in. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, say your prayers and just let it take you under.
I need to get some shit off my chest, but I'm not ready just yet. I know keeping it bottled up isn't good for me. But if I write it or say it out loud right now I might lose it! All I know is that going through all of this without any cigarettes, without any liquor, without anyone to talk to is driving me nuts. Somethings gotta give, like now.
I so much hate the struggle. It's like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. I can't be happy. I can't succeed. I am really trying my best to be a good mother, a good employee, a good businesswoman, a good daughter, sister, a good sometime part time homey lover friend. And nothing is appreciated.
I don't know. I'm praying everything will work out. I have faith that one day my ship will finally come in. That one day i will just let the tide carry me where im supposed to be. I'm just glad I know how to tread water.
I need to get some shit off my chest, but I'm not ready just yet. I know keeping it bottled up isn't good for me. But if I write it or say it out loud right now I might lose it! All I know is that going through all of this without any cigarettes, without any liquor, without anyone to talk to is driving me nuts. Somethings gotta give, like now.
I so much hate the struggle. It's like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. I can't be happy. I can't succeed. I am really trying my best to be a good mother, a good employee, a good businesswoman, a good daughter, sister, a good sometime part time homey lover friend. And nothing is appreciated.
I don't know. I'm praying everything will work out. I have faith that one day my ship will finally come in. That one day i will just let the tide carry me where im supposed to be. I'm just glad I know how to tread water.
Friday, May 7, 2010
You Mother......!! Happy Mother's Day!
This letter goes out to all the "moms" in my life. Yes, Theresa Green gave birth to me, and she will forever be my one and only "Mommy" But each of you have touched my lives in watching you raise your children and the effects you have had on my life. A hallmark card couldn't express my sentiments the right way. So I took the time to sit down and write out my feelings for each of you. Tomorrow is never promised and it's a shame that we wait until once a year to show our Moms that we love them. Some people don't have the priviledge of celebrating this day with their moms, so I am taking a moment to say thank you, I appreciate you as a Mom, an Aunt, a friend, a sister, a cousin, a woman....
It doesn't take giving birth for you to be a mom.
It's being there when your baby is sick with the flu.
It's saying "No", even though its breaking your heart.
It's spending your last dime to make sure your daughter enjoys her Prom & Cotillion.
It's almost going to jail for jumping on your son's girlfriend.
It's sneaking your baby ice cream after Daddy told her "NO."
It's praying for them in the hospital when the doctors have given up.
It's threatening your kids to go to church before you "knock them into next week"
It's sheilding your kids from all hurt, harm and danger.
It's cleaning up poop, pee, throw up, messy rooms, broken crayons, fussing and laughing at the same time.
It's spending hundreds of dollars on transformers, playstations, bakugans and superhero capes, just to find them tossed to the side the next week.
It's letting her color her hair orange and fall out so she'll learn, then take her to buy a fierce wig.
It's making them re-do their homework when it's sloppy.
It's complaining about his wife but still letting her help cook Thanksgiving dinner.
It's laying in bed with your grown child as they go through a divorce.
It's recognizing that she has your dad's smile or he has your mom's attitude.
It's wrestling with your son, because his Dad isn't there.
It's supporting his wild rap career even though you dont understand a word he's saying.
It's sharing stories of how your grandma would taught you how to knit.
It's driving from NJ to NY to see your dying father every weekend but making sure your kids went to school everyday.
It's taking him fishing, even though you're afraid of worms.
It's volunteering your kids, without asking them first.
It's teaching your daughter how to love herself.
It's teaching your son how to treat women.
It's allowing your 3 yr old to do her own hair for school.
It's being utterly embarrased but never being ashamed of them.
It's loving your kids unconditionally, even when they steal and crash your car.
It's being in the delivery room when your grandchild was born.
It's crying with your granddaughter when her boyfriend leaves.
It's losing your voice at your grandson's baseball game because you're his favorite cheerleader.
It's taking your niece on a shopping trip when her Mother can't go.
It's sending your nephew a care package in college when the food is disgusting.
It's raising your siblings cause your parents weren't there.
It's getting a call from school telling you your baby is on the dean's list.
It's bailing them out of jail when you should've left them there.
It's watching Princess and the Frog 30 times a week, then actually singing the songs.
It's paying for cleats and uniforms when you the lights are scheduled to be shut off.
It's swallowing your pride and letting your daughter tell you how she feels.
It's getting a second or third job to put your baby through school.
It's being there when the BFF's and homies aren't around.
It's beating them until your tired.
It's hugging them until they can't breathe.
It's loving.
Thank you for all that you have done. Thank you for all that you will do.
Just wanted to let you know that your work was not unnoticed.
If no one else tells you, you are appreciated!
Happy Mother's Day!!
Love,
Chan, Jonathan & Justice
It doesn't take giving birth for you to be a mom.
It's being there when your baby is sick with the flu.
It's saying "No", even though its breaking your heart.
It's spending your last dime to make sure your daughter enjoys her Prom & Cotillion.
It's almost going to jail for jumping on your son's girlfriend.
It's sneaking your baby ice cream after Daddy told her "NO."
It's praying for them in the hospital when the doctors have given up.
It's threatening your kids to go to church before you "knock them into next week"
It's sheilding your kids from all hurt, harm and danger.
It's cleaning up poop, pee, throw up, messy rooms, broken crayons, fussing and laughing at the same time.
It's spending hundreds of dollars on transformers, playstations, bakugans and superhero capes, just to find them tossed to the side the next week.
It's letting her color her hair orange and fall out so she'll learn, then take her to buy a fierce wig.
It's making them re-do their homework when it's sloppy.
It's complaining about his wife but still letting her help cook Thanksgiving dinner.
It's laying in bed with your grown child as they go through a divorce.
It's recognizing that she has your dad's smile or he has your mom's attitude.
It's wrestling with your son, because his Dad isn't there.
It's supporting his wild rap career even though you dont understand a word he's saying.
It's sharing stories of how your grandma would taught you how to knit.
It's driving from NJ to NY to see your dying father every weekend but making sure your kids went to school everyday.
It's taking him fishing, even though you're afraid of worms.
It's volunteering your kids, without asking them first.
It's teaching your daughter how to love herself.
It's teaching your son how to treat women.
It's allowing your 3 yr old to do her own hair for school.
It's being utterly embarrased but never being ashamed of them.
It's loving your kids unconditionally, even when they steal and crash your car.
It's being in the delivery room when your grandchild was born.
It's crying with your granddaughter when her boyfriend leaves.
It's losing your voice at your grandson's baseball game because you're his favorite cheerleader.
It's taking your niece on a shopping trip when her Mother can't go.
It's sending your nephew a care package in college when the food is disgusting.
It's raising your siblings cause your parents weren't there.
It's getting a call from school telling you your baby is on the dean's list.
It's bailing them out of jail when you should've left them there.
It's watching Princess and the Frog 30 times a week, then actually singing the songs.
It's paying for cleats and uniforms when you the lights are scheduled to be shut off.
It's swallowing your pride and letting your daughter tell you how she feels.
It's getting a second or third job to put your baby through school.
It's being there when the BFF's and homies aren't around.
It's beating them until your tired.
It's hugging them until they can't breathe.
It's loving.
Thank you for all that you have done. Thank you for all that you will do.
Just wanted to let you know that your work was not unnoticed.
If no one else tells you, you are appreciated!
Happy Mother's Day!!
Love,
Chan, Jonathan & Justice
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Daddy's Girl
I'm sitting here thinking how different my life wouldve been had I just did one wrong thing when I was younger. I definitely had the propensity to be a gun toting thug. Or a junkie. Either way.
Growing up in Eastman wasn't the best time for me. My mother worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. She kept us active in church so we wouldn't get into trouble. When my father wasn't in jail he would be home on "disability". I have never met a jamaican who wouldn't keep a job lol.
While he would be home he'd be getting high, right in front of us. And telling me i was fat, ugly and lazy and i was just like my mother. I knew he hated my mother, so if i was just like her, then he hated me too right? But i would do anything for my father, because i am his oldest child and thats my job. To help mommy and daddy.
There were times when someone I went to school with would be at the door, not for me, but because they sold drugs for my father. On top of all this he had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. There were so many times I had to run to a neighbors house and call the cops. Scared to death that he would not catch me. Or worse that someone wouldn't talk about it at school. One time after my mother got off the bus to work a kid sitting across from me said "her husband beat the shit outta her last night". I'll never forget that.
By the time I was 9 I could tell the difference between a "dime" and a "nick". If I ask my 8 yr old for a dime he'll go in his pocket and hand me a dime. By 10 I knew how to cook up. And had seen a prisoner get a blow job during one of our visits to see daddy. By 12 I was carrying guns for my father. He'd say, if the DT's stopped and searched him they wouldn't find anything on him. He taught me how to steal, how to fight with weapons....not ur typical father daughter relationship. But I loved him anyway, I still do. Regardless of what he did, who he was, he's my daddy.
Throughout my life I've done some terrible things. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough to be a drug dealers girlfriend. So I did for myself. I was young and stupid, part of me proving to daddy and every other man that i was just strong and tough as they were. Partly just rebelling against my mother but Mainly because I'm obsessed with the lifestyle my father led, even though I know the outcome. I know daddy's story, I've watched carlito's way, and American Gangster so many Times I know it by heart. I can watch for hours on end movies about gangsters and the mafia. And don't let there be a woman running things!! When I saw La Bella Mafia you couldn't tell me nothing!! Lol Maybe because I always wondered, what if....would i have been successful? Not if, but how long would i have been locked up? When would i have died? all it would take is one wrong turn.
I haven't seen my father since 1989. His actions got him deported and yes I do miss him. Despite the fits of rage, the drugs, the affairs, the prison time away from us I still remember the good times we had. How happy I was when we came home and he was sitting there after coming home from jail. I still write to him and hopefully I'll go visit him soon. But I thank God for my mother and her parents who kept us from making that one wrong move. I can't speak for my brother or sister but as for myself, growing up in that enviroment, with those circumstances and my mentality it seriously couldve gone in an entirely different direction.
So many people glamorize the lifestyle of a hustler that if you are weak you will fall prey to it. But you have to remember that every gangster movie has a terrible ending. Scarface dies, Frank Lucas is broke, Guy Fisher is in jail for life. No good comes of it.
Gangster movies will probably still be one of my favorite genres but now that I'm older I won't look to them for inspiration but entertainment only. And I can teach my kids better than daddy taught me. Cuz when you know better you do better.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Growing up in Eastman wasn't the best time for me. My mother worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. She kept us active in church so we wouldn't get into trouble. When my father wasn't in jail he would be home on "disability". I have never met a jamaican who wouldn't keep a job lol.
While he would be home he'd be getting high, right in front of us. And telling me i was fat, ugly and lazy and i was just like my mother. I knew he hated my mother, so if i was just like her, then he hated me too right? But i would do anything for my father, because i am his oldest child and thats my job. To help mommy and daddy.
There were times when someone I went to school with would be at the door, not for me, but because they sold drugs for my father. On top of all this he had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. There were so many times I had to run to a neighbors house and call the cops. Scared to death that he would not catch me. Or worse that someone wouldn't talk about it at school. One time after my mother got off the bus to work a kid sitting across from me said "her husband beat the shit outta her last night". I'll never forget that.
By the time I was 9 I could tell the difference between a "dime" and a "nick". If I ask my 8 yr old for a dime he'll go in his pocket and hand me a dime. By 10 I knew how to cook up. And had seen a prisoner get a blow job during one of our visits to see daddy. By 12 I was carrying guns for my father. He'd say, if the DT's stopped and searched him they wouldn't find anything on him. He taught me how to steal, how to fight with weapons....not ur typical father daughter relationship. But I loved him anyway, I still do. Regardless of what he did, who he was, he's my daddy.
Throughout my life I've done some terrible things. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough to be a drug dealers girlfriend. So I did for myself. I was young and stupid, part of me proving to daddy and every other man that i was just strong and tough as they were. Partly just rebelling against my mother but Mainly because I'm obsessed with the lifestyle my father led, even though I know the outcome. I know daddy's story, I've watched carlito's way, and American Gangster so many Times I know it by heart. I can watch for hours on end movies about gangsters and the mafia. And don't let there be a woman running things!! When I saw La Bella Mafia you couldn't tell me nothing!! Lol Maybe because I always wondered, what if....would i have been successful? Not if, but how long would i have been locked up? When would i have died? all it would take is one wrong turn.
I haven't seen my father since 1989. His actions got him deported and yes I do miss him. Despite the fits of rage, the drugs, the affairs, the prison time away from us I still remember the good times we had. How happy I was when we came home and he was sitting there after coming home from jail. I still write to him and hopefully I'll go visit him soon. But I thank God for my mother and her parents who kept us from making that one wrong move. I can't speak for my brother or sister but as for myself, growing up in that enviroment, with those circumstances and my mentality it seriously couldve gone in an entirely different direction.
So many people glamorize the lifestyle of a hustler that if you are weak you will fall prey to it. But you have to remember that every gangster movie has a terrible ending. Scarface dies, Frank Lucas is broke, Guy Fisher is in jail for life. No good comes of it.
Gangster movies will probably still be one of my favorite genres but now that I'm older I won't look to them for inspiration but entertainment only. And I can teach my kids better than daddy taught me. Cuz when you know better you do better.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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