Loving Him Is Killing Me.....Speak Out Against Domestic Violence

Peace As October begins I just wanted to reiterate that this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And let me say this first and foremost! MEN ARE ABUSED TOO!! We're so busy teaching our daughters how not to be abused, we forget about our sons and the fact that some women will beat up on their man, because they know he wont hit back.

I'm not gonna get into the statistics and all that other boring stuff, instead to drive the point home, im gonna tell you a story.

I, as some of you may know, am a product of domestic violence. Whether you are the abuser, the abused or the friend or family member of a victim there is one thing that you should think about above all, the babies.

You have to understand that the children in these situations are just as abused, even if they never get physically hurt.

See, being the oldest and the one who most closely resembled my mother I experienced a lot of animosity, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Mind you my father never laid a hand on me.

My earliest memory is when I was 3 yrs old and my mother had me in the bathroom, shielding me from seeing my father getting his ass kicked by my aunts at a family cookout, because he had the bright idea to hit my mother in front of her whole family.

I saw my mother go through things that no child should ever see. One time he hit her in the head with a hammer outside of our apartment building. She drive to the Police Station with blood dripping down her face and was told that she couldn't file a report because the person that handles that was out and besides they didn't see him do it so it was out of their hands.

I was the one who had to sneak out of the house to call the cops. Hoping that I got back to the apartment before he did.

Like every other woman in the world I wondered why my mother didn't just leave and vowed never to have a man put his hands on me that way.

See I was being beat up mentally everytime I saw her beat physically. But I was a kid, I couldn't very well leave on my own.

What I didn't know at the time was that my father threatened my mother that if she left he would kill her, us kids and her family. And he could very capable of it.

She would send us to our grandparents on the weekends to get a break, but we always had to come home.

One day, for a variety of reasons and issues that have nothing to do with this story the feds came and deported my father, that's what saved us.

As we grew, my sister and I, my brother was still very young so he was spared a lot of the drama, it was hard to maintain a decent relationship with a man.

And I broke my vow to never have a man put his hands on me the way my father did my mother.

My self-esteem was so low from the mental and psychological abuse I endured that I didn't think I could get anybody better.

I also justified that because I fought back it wasn't abuse.

It wasn't until after I got pregnant that I started to wake up and realize that the cycle was starting.

I refused to bring a child into this world to grow up the way I did.

When I was 6 months pregnant I was choked unconscious. Constantly spat on, degraded and debased. I went to the hospital for a busted lip and a broken nose.

The restraining order didn't stop him. Moving out didn't stop him.

What every little girl dreams of, marrying a man like her father, became my nightmare.

I finally was able to leave him but the mental abuse still continues. Only now, I don't feed into it, which is his power.

My son will never be able to tell a story like this because I stopped the cycle.

I say all of that to say this, people will always have problems in their relationships. But there is never an excuse to be violent. The children can be scarred for life . I know I am.

This story may not mean anything to you, but if I helped one person make a life or death decision, I've done my job.

Please, if you or anyone know is being abused, get help!

ok, now for the boring stuff lol ....

www.cutitout.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE

CUT IT OUT (Salons Against Domestic Violence) is a program of the Salons Against Domestic Abuse Fund dedicated to mobilizing salon professionals and others to fight the epidemic of domestic abuse in communities across the United States. CUT IT OUT builds awareness of domestic abuse and trains salon professionals to recognize warning signs and safely refer clients to local resources.

Domestic abuse is:

o a pattern of violent and coercive tactics committed by one intimate partner against another.

o a pattern of controlling behavior that consists of physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse or assaults.

o a learned pattern of behavior.

o impactive to all those around the adult and child victim: family, friends, and co-workers.

While most perpetrators are men, it is important to remember that most men are not perpetrators.

Signs that a client or someone you know may be abused:

One sign does not prove abuse. However, a combination of them, or repeated signs, may indicate abuse.

o Bruising in different stages of healing, especially if the bruising is in areas not usually seen by others, such as the scalp

o Bald spots indicating hair has been torn or pulled out

o Frequent injuries, especially with unusual explanations

o Injuries not seen but indicated by general mobility difficulties due to soreness, tenderness, bruising

o Isolation from friends and family

o Low self-esteem, a sense that she doesn't deserve better treatment

o Self-blame or unrealistic guilt ("It's my fault, I shouldn't have made him mad.")

o Partner always accompanies client to appointments or waits outside in the parking lot

o Fear of the partner, insecurity about his actionsYou may also notice the following behavior:

o The partner dictates the frequency of her salon visits

o The partner will not allow her to change her hair color or style

o The partner is controlling or excessively jealous

What can you do if a client or someone you know is being abused?

o Believe the person who tells you that she is being abused. Her abuser may have her convinced that she is at fault or that she doesn't deserve better treatment.

o Keep whatever she tells you confidential. Her life may be at stake.

o Gently guide her to find help. Suggest that she contact her local domestic violence agency or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). Suggest that she needs to consult a qualified, objective third party.

o Don't try to fix the problem for her or become her counselor – your local domestic violence agency is staffed with trained personnel to counsel victims and help to ensure their safety. All have access to a shelter or safe house. Don't put yourself in harm's way or increase the danger for the victim by getting in the middle.

Help others to understand that domestic violence is absolutely, totally unacceptable and usually escalates over time. Have the number of your local agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline number (1-800-799-SAFE) handy.