Pregnancy Sucks....or maybe its just me

So....im sitting here watching this tv show "one born every minute", a reality show about a labor & delivery ward. one of the ladies was getting an epidural and all the memories of my children's births came rushing back.

With both of my boys i had to have c-sections and they were both very stressful pregnancies and surgeries. I recently started thinking about trying to have a girl, even though i never really wanted a girl, but i guess because im getting older she keeps popping in my head. i mentioned this imaginary daughter to a friend of mine and he told me "you're damn near 40 why would you want a baby? And then all your kids will have different fathers!" he doesn't know it but that really hurt me. i know im the first one to proclaim a fight with any child but i really do love children. (Don't tell them that) and i guess since i've had so much trouble, i just want one blissful, drama free pregnancy. Or at least one where someone will give me a seat on the bus.

with Jonathan i was being abused throughout the pregnancy. My pressure was high. I was on bedrest from 6 months. And when i was 8 months pregnant the doctors decided it was time for Jay to come out. I didnt want a cesaeran. But after, i honestly dont know how many hrs, with no progress and my sickness (HELLP Syndrome) setting in and making me sicker, i had no choice.i was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia but by the time i was strapped up to the machines and ready to deliver my pressure kept rising, but my blood platelets were dropping in addition to my liver being effected. If i had given natural birth, they told me there was a chance I'd bleed to death, because they may not be able to control the blood. I was heartbroken. I felt like less of a mother because i didn't push him out. During the surgery, his father didnt hold my hand, he didnt stroke my hair, he didnt kiss me, he didnt even look at me. I was in and out of conscienceness due to all the medication. All i remember is hearing my firstborn cry, then waking up in the recovery room. I couldn't breastfeed him because i still had so many drugs in my system, i was afraid it would pass through my milk. I cant even tell u to this day what time he was born without looking on his birth certificate. I dont know how long i labored before they decided to cut me. thats how much drugs were in me! Then he developed jaundice and had to stay in the hospital. that was the only time i cried, when the doctor told me he wasnt going home with me. (It was only one extra day, but it felt like forever) His great grandmother told me that it was my fault he had jaundice because i didnt breastfeed him. Talk about guilt! when he finally did come home, i never got the chance to bond with him. I had serious complications with my incision, one day, while trying to scoot back on the bed i popped a staple. And thank God i did! I went to the dr, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she found a blood clot the size of a sausage in there! After that my incision had to be left open and stuffed with gauze. I was literally walking around with my stomach wide open! I had to have a nurse come twice a day and clean out my wound and re-stuff me. It was scary as hell! I couldnt even pick my baby up. My mother, brother and his father had to do everything for me. We never got the mom and baby time. as soon as i was well i had to go back to work and he was in daycare from the time he was 6 wks old. I never got to bond with my baby.

Now Justice was a different story. With him i wasnt being abused physically but i had absolutely no support. everyone wanted me to have an abortion, i was threatened by Jonathans father that he was gonna kick me in my stomach. Justice's father didnt talk to me until i was 5 months pregnant, once i told him he was having a son. before that time, i was told my one of the doctors in the practice that i had a miscarriage and needed a D&C because they couldnt find his heartbeat. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and made a deal with God that if he let my baby be healthy i'd give him back to him. obviously they found his heartbeat but then other problems arose. because of the complications i had with Jay the original ob/gyn wanted me to have an amnio and if i decided to keep the baby i was told id still probably have to have another surgery. I started bleeding in my 7th month and had to run more tests. I went on bedrest in my 8th month this time. We had a scheduled c-section so i wasnt too shocked. But his father wasnt there. He dropped me off at the hospital and said "call me when the boy gets here". My sister was in the delivery room with me. the surgery was quick and i was awake for the whole thing. I went in at 10am and Justice was here at 10:56am. I was able to see him, i was able to kiss him, i told him "welcome to the world Mookie. I fight kids!" i took pics with him. when i recovered i tried breastfeeding but he wouldnt latch on. But i tried. I wasnt groggy or high or hopped up on painkillers. He slept in the room with me majority of the night. I was strong enough to take care of him. When we got home was the only time i cried with him. I was in so much pain and his father kept forgetting my percosets prescription. I was alone with him and his brother. Because Jonathans father was trying to make my life miserable and Justice's father wasnt being bothered, i had to bring my baby on crowded buses to bring Jay to school before Justice was even a week old. He stayed in that kangaroo pouch on my chest for a good 3 months. I bonded with Justice because i had no other choice. I took the summer off from work so that i could spend more time with big brother. I didnt want him feeling neglected because of the new baby. Justice has never been to daycare, because i couldnt afford it. I dont work in the same industry and just couldnt handle the weekly payments alone. He's been home with me his whole life. the same friend who asked about me having a baby at 40 tells me 'u baby that boy, he's too big for that!" when i say i still rock him to sleep. Like clockwork, at 9:30 Justice climbs in my lap and i lull him to sleep. Yeah he gets babied cuz he wasnt supposed to be here but he is!

As much as i dont like kids, apparently they dont like me either cuz they keep trying to kill me during my pregnancies lol yeah pregnancy sucks! having your stomach cut open twice sucks. Healing from a c-section with ur belly wide open or no pain killers sucks monkey balls! But if i could do it right, just once.....just one time where i can enjoy the pleasures of growing a person....the attention...being able to eat whatever i want...the maternity clothes...feeling ur baby have the hiccups or seeing ur belly poke when he stretches....knowing your baby's sleeping habits before you can see his face.....just one more chance.

But then again, i AM almost 40. I already have 2 different baby daddys. (Who both haved stepped up and take excellent care of their sons) I'm already judged and criticized and been made into another negative stereotyped statistic. I guess ME having a baby doesnt fit into what SOCIETY thinks I should do....

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Hell..

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RIP Chandrika Green 4-5-97

"Well, Ms. Green, your nose is broken. How exactly did this happen again?" The doctor asked and glanced at John.
"I got into a fight with a girl downtown." I Said without a second thought. The doctor knew I was lying.

It was April 5, 1997. I will never forget that date. Day, Chesla and I were going to go to the skating rink on Rt.22. We were in our early 20's and someone was having a party that night. We stopped at Adam's, the little bar we chilled at before heading to the rink. At some point, Chesla started saying she wasn't feeling well and was going home. SO she left to take the train and Day and I stayed at the bar. Trying to figure out what to do, we decided that we would go to Gregory's that night. Gregory's was one of the only clubs in Orange. There was Gregory's and The Peppermint Lounge, but the "Mint" was a more mature crowd. So we went down the block to Gregory's and thats when my life ended.

Everybody who knows me, knows that I dont dance. Unless I'm drunk. Well that night, I must have been blasted because I remember dancing with quite a few guys. The club was packed, and everybody was sweaty. Thats why I dont dance, I hate having sweaty men all over me. But I felt his arms slide around my waist and his hips begin to move in motion with mine. I turned my head to see who was holding me. He was about 6'0, light brown skin, really thin, with this gorgeous smile. I recognized him from the barbershop, I had seen him and his girl there a few weeks ago and he was watching me then. I smiled back and kept dancing. When the music switched he pulled me to the back of the club where there were tables and chairs set up. We sat there, trying to talk over the music.
"what's your name?"
"John."

We sat there talking for a few more minutes before the club ended. Day, with her new friend in tow, found me and said we were going to Kless Diner. I asked John if he was coming with us and he followed me out. I haven't been able to get rid of him since that day.

We argued from that very first night. Somebody walked past the car and we were laughing at him for some reason. I said the man had on janitor blue pants, John said they were green. We argued for about 5 minutes on the color of this strangers pants. That should've been my first clue. At some point throughout the night we talked about relationships. He told me he didn't have a girlfriend, that they had broken up, he was 24, he was an only child and he worked at foodtown in Madison. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie!

A few days later, he drove to my house in Madison. he said he had to come pick up his check, in reality it was his girl's car and he was dropping her off at Foodtown, where she worked. Chesla and Kathy came over to chill and met John. I thought he looked young to be 24, I was 22 at the time. Chesla called him on it and asked for is ID. We laughed it off but when he wouldnt show her his license, the whole scenario went right into my "don't trust this nigga" mental file. But i guess I lost the key to that file cabinet because no matter how many things I filed in there I couldn't pull any of that information back out for review. It's like I just started to accept any and everything he said and did.

We started going out. (We even argue to this day about the day we met, I say it was the 5th, he says it was after midnight, so it was the 6th.) We didn't see each other everyday, I lived in Madison and he lived in Orange. And neither of us had a car. I found out the truth over the next few weeks. Not only did he lie about the girlfriend and the car and the job, but he had a little sister! And a bunch of other brothers and sisters from his father. He was not an only child. And he was 18, just turned 19 a few weeks after we met! I still let everything slide. Don't ask me why. He was not at all my first anything. I'd been in love already, actually engaged. I'd been deflowered. I'd been with handsome, charming men. My self esteem was still pretty low at the time but I had enough experience to know better. I dont know what it was. And the longer I was with him, the less handsome he became to me. It's like all his devilish and coniving ways would show up in his face. Like those demons in that movie "the Devil's Advocate".

Of Course, eventually, the girlfriend and I had a run in, a couple of times. Once, I used my mothers car to go see John. He wasn't home so I went through the block where one of his best friends hung out. As I pulled up on the block I saw him and her in her car, he was driving. He saw me too because he pulled a U-Turn and jetted up the street. I was right behind him. He was running red lights, I was right behind him. He was driving on the wrong side of the road, I was right there. Finally she got him to pull over and she got out of the car. See by this time, we had been together a few months. He told me he was done with her, he wasnt seeing her anymore...more lies. She came to my mothers car and asked what was going on. I told her, that i need to talk to John. She calmly went to her car, told him to get out and she drove off. Seemed simple enough right? Wrong. John got in the car with me. I was never the type to kick people out, especially on the streets. I'd hate to have something happen and it be on my conscience. Anyway, I was bringing him back to 16th Ave and 16th Street where Darnell, his friend, was. The whole time he's apologizing telling me he is in love with me but he's in love with her too. and he just needed to see what was what, and all this bullshit. So we pull up on the block and this chick is there. Talking to Darnell. I heard her say something about a bitch, so i parked the car. John begs me to stay in the car and he hops out. They're arguing and Darnell is talking to me now, trying to stall me or calm me down, one. Then I hear him say that he loves both of us. I go to pull off and Darnell stops me. Somehow and for some reason I was outside of the car. She said something else slick and I jumped for her, again Darnell saved her because he grabbed me and sat me on the roof of my car. I climbed down the other side. I look in the car and this fat heifer is in my car!! John had taken her car keys and thrown them into my car and she was looking for them.
"get that bitch outta my car!"
"I'm trying to find my keys!"
"Move!! Ill get ur fucking keys!"
And in the meantime of me grabbing her keys from under the passenger seat I grabbed the Club, you remember that bar people used to put on their steering wheels so the car wouldnt get stolen? I grabbed that, and pulled it into 2 pieces and went after John. Thats when the cops pulled up.
"who's car is this?"
"Mine." I said
"Do you know ur on the wrong side of the road?"
"yeah, i was trying to run her fat ass over but i realized she would leave a dent in the car and i wouldnt be able to explain it to my mother"
The cop shook his head and laughed. I swear.
"well, whats all this about?"
"Infidelity." the cop laughed again. "Miss, sit in ur car."

Now, If I had talked to the girl instead of trying to kill her I would've learned all of the things that he said to her, what he did to her. how he would hit her in public just to humiliate her. he would trip her in the middle of broad and market streets in Newark, because she would say something smart. I would've learned how insecure and crazy he really was. She and I did have that talk, years later. after he did all of that and more to me.

Over the next 7 years I was cheated on, abused, thrown in jail for stealing for him, put in the hospital, had cell phones stolen and broken, spat on, kicked, choked, had my car stolen, had high chairs thrown at me, had my front door kicked in, was thrown on the ground, kicked out of cars, got a busted lip, left stranded and had my nose broken. I've lived in fear of what he would do to me. He would have people watching my house and reporting to him where I was going. When I left him and went to Chesla's with our child, he came with his friend Dave and stole my car, so that I couldnt go anywhere. They were good for that. He would have Dave take my car and hide it on numerous occasions. When I called the cops, they'd say he had a key so he wasn't really stealing it. We were in court for a restraining order and he pushed me and told the magistrate that a piece of paper really couldnt stop him from doing anything to me and he has no respect for the courts. And he was still able to walk out of the courtroom. It's like he can say and do anything and never get punished for it.

In February 2001 I found out I was pregnant. We even argued over that! When I made him take me to walgreens in the middle of the night to get a pregnancy test and it was positive i just threw it at him and said "told u". He was immediately ecstatic, He held me and apologized and he cried. I cried too, but it wasnt tears of joy. He told everybody! I thought ok, things are going to change, he's happy now. he's going to start treating me right. Wrong!! Things just got worse. True he was excited about the baby, but it felt like, if he could make me give birth at 3 months he would have and just taken the baby. Every single doctors appointment I had he was there. now on the outside, everyone was so excited. "Oh, John is so caring, he's such a good father already, he's worried about you." Bullshit! He was controlling what I could say to my doctor. I never wanted him there. As a matter of fact, he had moved out and was living with another girl. He and I were not together in anyway. Yet, he insisted on controlling everything. this was when he started stealing my car. It was during the pregnancy when I had to get stitches in my lip. I still have the scar on my elbow from when he threw me across the gravel parking lot. When I was about 6 months pregnant and home on bed rest he choked me until i blacked out.

I had Jonathan Chan on November 13, 2001. A month early. I fell ill to pre-eclampsia which turned to HELLP syndrome which was effecting my liver, blood platelets and pressure. I had to have an emergency c-section. John was there for the whole thing. Never held my hand, never kissed me, he was just there. The Ob-Gyn told me, on the one occasion that John didnt come to the appointment, "Your pressure is down today, I wonder why." She was a very keen caretaker and she knew what was going on without me saying anything. After Jonathan was born the doctor visited me in the hospital and as she held the baby she said "i would never say this in front of dad, but all the stress he put you through, this baby came out looking just like him!"

Now I know either your thinking one of 2 things, "what did u do to him to make him do all that?" or "He's a monster!" I'll tell you what I would do. I would speak my mind, I never said "yo momma" or none of that really disrespectful stuff. Yall know I say whatever I want, and he didnt like that. And obviously, I would fight. as you can tell from earlier in the story, so that made him even more mad! How dare i hit him back! But I tell everybody.....I'll fight you, I may not win but don't ever think i'll back down.

Alot happened. Just imagine 7 yrs of physical abuse, and he continued to mentally abuse me for years after I left him. He still tries. Now Im a "terrible mother", "a whore", "a bitch", I can't "take care" of my kids, etc. etc. Honestly, yeah sometimes I do yell back, I still dont allow people to disrespect me. But mostly, no matter how much it hurts me to hear those words, how much i want to smack the shit outta him or send somebody to handle the situation, mostly, I just say your right John and hang up the phone.

I have no choice but to deal with him at least until our son is graduated from college. But the damage he inflicted on me still permeates through all of my current relationships. If any man says anything slick to me, I give it right back to him. If he tells me he is single, I dont believe him. He can show me ID, his birth certificate and an affidavit from his mother and I still wont believe half of what I see.I'm always on the defensive, because i never want to be hurt again.

I always joke and tell people that I'm only 22 in my head. Because little do they know, that was when my life ended. So that is where my mind is stuck. I've lost my 20's and the majority of my 30's. I just want to live my best life now....you only live once right??