RIP Chandrika Green 4-5-97

"Well, Ms. Green, your nose is broken. How exactly did this happen again?" The doctor asked and glanced at John.
"I got into a fight with a girl downtown." I Said without a second thought. The doctor knew I was lying.

It was April 5, 1997. I will never forget that date. Day, Chesla and I were going to go to the skating rink on Rt.22. We were in our early 20's and someone was having a party that night. We stopped at Adam's, the little bar we chilled at before heading to the rink. At some point, Chesla started saying she wasn't feeling well and was going home. SO she left to take the train and Day and I stayed at the bar. Trying to figure out what to do, we decided that we would go to Gregory's that night. Gregory's was one of the only clubs in Orange. There was Gregory's and The Peppermint Lounge, but the "Mint" was a more mature crowd. So we went down the block to Gregory's and thats when my life ended.

Everybody who knows me, knows that I dont dance. Unless I'm drunk. Well that night, I must have been blasted because I remember dancing with quite a few guys. The club was packed, and everybody was sweaty. Thats why I dont dance, I hate having sweaty men all over me. But I felt his arms slide around my waist and his hips begin to move in motion with mine. I turned my head to see who was holding me. He was about 6'0, light brown skin, really thin, with this gorgeous smile. I recognized him from the barbershop, I had seen him and his girl there a few weeks ago and he was watching me then. I smiled back and kept dancing. When the music switched he pulled me to the back of the club where there were tables and chairs set up. We sat there, trying to talk over the music.
"what's your name?"
"John."

We sat there talking for a few more minutes before the club ended. Day, with her new friend in tow, found me and said we were going to Kless Diner. I asked John if he was coming with us and he followed me out. I haven't been able to get rid of him since that day.

We argued from that very first night. Somebody walked past the car and we were laughing at him for some reason. I said the man had on janitor blue pants, John said they were green. We argued for about 5 minutes on the color of this strangers pants. That should've been my first clue. At some point throughout the night we talked about relationships. He told me he didn't have a girlfriend, that they had broken up, he was 24, he was an only child and he worked at foodtown in Madison. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie!

A few days later, he drove to my house in Madison. he said he had to come pick up his check, in reality it was his girl's car and he was dropping her off at Foodtown, where she worked. Chesla and Kathy came over to chill and met John. I thought he looked young to be 24, I was 22 at the time. Chesla called him on it and asked for is ID. We laughed it off but when he wouldnt show her his license, the whole scenario went right into my "don't trust this nigga" mental file. But i guess I lost the key to that file cabinet because no matter how many things I filed in there I couldn't pull any of that information back out for review. It's like I just started to accept any and everything he said and did.

We started going out. (We even argue to this day about the day we met, I say it was the 5th, he says it was after midnight, so it was the 6th.) We didn't see each other everyday, I lived in Madison and he lived in Orange. And neither of us had a car. I found out the truth over the next few weeks. Not only did he lie about the girlfriend and the car and the job, but he had a little sister! And a bunch of other brothers and sisters from his father. He was not an only child. And he was 18, just turned 19 a few weeks after we met! I still let everything slide. Don't ask me why. He was not at all my first anything. I'd been in love already, actually engaged. I'd been deflowered. I'd been with handsome, charming men. My self esteem was still pretty low at the time but I had enough experience to know better. I dont know what it was. And the longer I was with him, the less handsome he became to me. It's like all his devilish and coniving ways would show up in his face. Like those demons in that movie "the Devil's Advocate".

Of Course, eventually, the girlfriend and I had a run in, a couple of times. Once, I used my mothers car to go see John. He wasn't home so I went through the block where one of his best friends hung out. As I pulled up on the block I saw him and her in her car, he was driving. He saw me too because he pulled a U-Turn and jetted up the street. I was right behind him. He was running red lights, I was right behind him. He was driving on the wrong side of the road, I was right there. Finally she got him to pull over and she got out of the car. See by this time, we had been together a few months. He told me he was done with her, he wasnt seeing her anymore...more lies. She came to my mothers car and asked what was going on. I told her, that i need to talk to John. She calmly went to her car, told him to get out and she drove off. Seemed simple enough right? Wrong. John got in the car with me. I was never the type to kick people out, especially on the streets. I'd hate to have something happen and it be on my conscience. Anyway, I was bringing him back to 16th Ave and 16th Street where Darnell, his friend, was. The whole time he's apologizing telling me he is in love with me but he's in love with her too. and he just needed to see what was what, and all this bullshit. So we pull up on the block and this chick is there. Talking to Darnell. I heard her say something about a bitch, so i parked the car. John begs me to stay in the car and he hops out. They're arguing and Darnell is talking to me now, trying to stall me or calm me down, one. Then I hear him say that he loves both of us. I go to pull off and Darnell stops me. Somehow and for some reason I was outside of the car. She said something else slick and I jumped for her, again Darnell saved her because he grabbed me and sat me on the roof of my car. I climbed down the other side. I look in the car and this fat heifer is in my car!! John had taken her car keys and thrown them into my car and she was looking for them.
"get that bitch outta my car!"
"I'm trying to find my keys!"
"Move!! Ill get ur fucking keys!"
And in the meantime of me grabbing her keys from under the passenger seat I grabbed the Club, you remember that bar people used to put on their steering wheels so the car wouldnt get stolen? I grabbed that, and pulled it into 2 pieces and went after John. Thats when the cops pulled up.
"who's car is this?"
"Mine." I said
"Do you know ur on the wrong side of the road?"
"yeah, i was trying to run her fat ass over but i realized she would leave a dent in the car and i wouldnt be able to explain it to my mother"
The cop shook his head and laughed. I swear.
"well, whats all this about?"
"Infidelity." the cop laughed again. "Miss, sit in ur car."

Now, If I had talked to the girl instead of trying to kill her I would've learned all of the things that he said to her, what he did to her. how he would hit her in public just to humiliate her. he would trip her in the middle of broad and market streets in Newark, because she would say something smart. I would've learned how insecure and crazy he really was. She and I did have that talk, years later. after he did all of that and more to me.

Over the next 7 years I was cheated on, abused, thrown in jail for stealing for him, put in the hospital, had cell phones stolen and broken, spat on, kicked, choked, had my car stolen, had high chairs thrown at me, had my front door kicked in, was thrown on the ground, kicked out of cars, got a busted lip, left stranded and had my nose broken. I've lived in fear of what he would do to me. He would have people watching my house and reporting to him where I was going. When I left him and went to Chesla's with our child, he came with his friend Dave and stole my car, so that I couldnt go anywhere. They were good for that. He would have Dave take my car and hide it on numerous occasions. When I called the cops, they'd say he had a key so he wasn't really stealing it. We were in court for a restraining order and he pushed me and told the magistrate that a piece of paper really couldnt stop him from doing anything to me and he has no respect for the courts. And he was still able to walk out of the courtroom. It's like he can say and do anything and never get punished for it.

In February 2001 I found out I was pregnant. We even argued over that! When I made him take me to walgreens in the middle of the night to get a pregnancy test and it was positive i just threw it at him and said "told u". He was immediately ecstatic, He held me and apologized and he cried. I cried too, but it wasnt tears of joy. He told everybody! I thought ok, things are going to change, he's happy now. he's going to start treating me right. Wrong!! Things just got worse. True he was excited about the baby, but it felt like, if he could make me give birth at 3 months he would have and just taken the baby. Every single doctors appointment I had he was there. now on the outside, everyone was so excited. "Oh, John is so caring, he's such a good father already, he's worried about you." Bullshit! He was controlling what I could say to my doctor. I never wanted him there. As a matter of fact, he had moved out and was living with another girl. He and I were not together in anyway. Yet, he insisted on controlling everything. this was when he started stealing my car. It was during the pregnancy when I had to get stitches in my lip. I still have the scar on my elbow from when he threw me across the gravel parking lot. When I was about 6 months pregnant and home on bed rest he choked me until i blacked out.

I had Jonathan Chan on November 13, 2001. A month early. I fell ill to pre-eclampsia which turned to HELLP syndrome which was effecting my liver, blood platelets and pressure. I had to have an emergency c-section. John was there for the whole thing. Never held my hand, never kissed me, he was just there. The Ob-Gyn told me, on the one occasion that John didnt come to the appointment, "Your pressure is down today, I wonder why." She was a very keen caretaker and she knew what was going on without me saying anything. After Jonathan was born the doctor visited me in the hospital and as she held the baby she said "i would never say this in front of dad, but all the stress he put you through, this baby came out looking just like him!"

Now I know either your thinking one of 2 things, "what did u do to him to make him do all that?" or "He's a monster!" I'll tell you what I would do. I would speak my mind, I never said "yo momma" or none of that really disrespectful stuff. Yall know I say whatever I want, and he didnt like that. And obviously, I would fight. as you can tell from earlier in the story, so that made him even more mad! How dare i hit him back! But I tell everybody.....I'll fight you, I may not win but don't ever think i'll back down.

Alot happened. Just imagine 7 yrs of physical abuse, and he continued to mentally abuse me for years after I left him. He still tries. Now Im a "terrible mother", "a whore", "a bitch", I can't "take care" of my kids, etc. etc. Honestly, yeah sometimes I do yell back, I still dont allow people to disrespect me. But mostly, no matter how much it hurts me to hear those words, how much i want to smack the shit outta him or send somebody to handle the situation, mostly, I just say your right John and hang up the phone.

I have no choice but to deal with him at least until our son is graduated from college. But the damage he inflicted on me still permeates through all of my current relationships. If any man says anything slick to me, I give it right back to him. If he tells me he is single, I dont believe him. He can show me ID, his birth certificate and an affidavit from his mother and I still wont believe half of what I see.I'm always on the defensive, because i never want to be hurt again.

I always joke and tell people that I'm only 22 in my head. Because little do they know, that was when my life ended. So that is where my mind is stuck. I've lost my 20's and the majority of my 30's. I just want to live my best life now....you only live once right??