My life

I had a dream that I hit the lottery
Only to awake to life
Kids screaming, mother nagging, egos and condescending comments
I go to work to escape life
I think I'm an alcoholic
It's 10am I got vodka in my coffee
I cry way too much
Tired of stuffing the holes in my shoes
Tired of sleeping in cars
Tired of downgrading my morals
Tired of working too hard
Tired of dodging bill collectors
Tired of financially absent baby father's
Tired of struggling
Don't ask why I drink
Ask why I haven't killed myself yet
A handful of percs
That should do it, a lil ciroc as a chaser
But what about my boys?
they're the only reason I'm here
The reason I fight
The reason why I woke up from that lottery dream
But what good is thanking God for life if u don't want it

when i die

Celebrate life everyday! Laugh at stupid jokes, say hi to ppl u don't like, eat junk food, have a beer..... U never know when ur phone will ring and u hear that voice saying "BABYGIRL IT'S TIME TO COME HOME!" and when I go I want my loved ones to be content knowing I regret nothing, I LIVED my life! Yeah I struggled, I went thru depression, I had issues but thru it all I smiled. And that's what I want y'all to do when I go....don't cry bc I'm gone, smile bc I've finally found joy! Let my kids know that their mother screwed up ALOT but they are my greatest achievements! Tell my mother I know I let her down a million times but I never meant to hurt her. Tell my father I forgave him a long time ago and no matter what he's still my Daddy. Tell Harold and Tiffani they were my rock and pillar in the middle of my destruction and I wish I was a better big sister. Tell Avery and Chantal although we didn't grow up together they are still my brother and sister and I wish our father did right by all of us but the past is the past and they are a part of me. Let my best friends know they were closer to me than my own blood and even when we fought tooth and nail I still loved them. Remind my friends that even if I went yrs without talking to them they never left my heart. Tell my baby's father's I may have hated them at some point but as they lived thru their sons so will I and I'll remind them everyday how much money they owe me! Lol my life was a mess inside of a mess inside of a shithole of a mess but if it wasn't I wouldn't be me.....and I think I'm pretty dope!

selfish

It amazes me the amount of selfishness ppl display in their everyday lives....I try my best to to help others, to support others, to be that shoulder to cry on, the one to make them smile....I do favors, I put my feelings and obligations aside to help those I care about and I can literally count on 3 fingers the amount of ppl who do the same for me....I have had ppl who stepped out of nowhere and helped me when I couldn't hold the tears back anymore, when I was at my wits end and I appreciate them so much, I can't thank them enough....but it's those others that always always always make me wanna slap the shit out of them. I'm tired of cutting ppl out of my life. Tired of not trusting, I want to be the person I know I am, but how can I when this is what I live with?