He don't love me, so why do I love him?

We never had a "relationship". He was the one I went to when I just wanted to chill, hang out, smoke, drink. We met almost 20 yrs ago, I was 17, he was 21. I always had a a crush on him, but he was always such a jerk, I never said anything to him. He used to date one of the girls from the block I was cool with, so to me that automatically meant that he and I could never get together. At least not while they were together lol His best friend is my nephews godfather, so there's a closeness there, like a big brother, a big brother I would have a baby for 17 yrs later.

One day I ran into him while walking to the store. We had all moved off that little street that we spent our young summer days on. Breaking day, play fighting, drinking and smoking.... and we all went our seperate ways. But whenever we'd see each other it was like nothing changed. So my oldest son and I are walking to the store and cut through this back street instead of walking the long way around. It was the end of summer, sometime in August. I was wearing a tight black tank top and I believe some capris. I only remember what kind of shirt I had because the first thing he said was, "Chan! I was like damn that chick got some big ass titties, and it's just you!" lol Thats what I mean, by him being a jerk. Mind you all of his co-workers heard this, because they were all outside, watching someone ride a motorcycle. We hugged and talked for a minute, he told me that I could come chill at his job anytime, since I lived right around the corner now. We exchanged numbers and Jonathan and I went home. Every once in awhile if I was stressing or just didnt feel like staying in the house I would come thru, have a drink, chill for a minute then bounce. It was nothing. Well, one day, of course that all changed. I went to the office late on a thursday, I remember because it was my birthday. I had worked late and by the time I got home, no one wanted to go out and all of my close friends lived far away so i went to see him. I just wasnt ready to go in the house, and I knew he was at work.

We smoked, watched tv, ate, chilled and talked. at one point we were alone in the office. and things just sort of happened. I remember every detail of what that night but i wanna keep some things private dang! lol so anyway, we had crossed the line form big brother, to I dont know what you would call us lol. He drove me home, even though I only lived down the street, and he called me when he got back to the office. We went on like this for about 2 yrs. Every sunday and thursday, at some point we would "hook up" as they say. Sometimes he would sneak in my window! lol It was like we were back in high school and I loved it. It was just fun. No strings attached, no committment, we were having a ball. Well, being a woman, and I hate being a woman sometimes, I started to feel things for him. I noticed I would get nervous if he didnt answer his phone right away. I would look at his female co-workers and wonder if he was fucking them too. Mind you, I had a "boyfriend" actually 2 in the time I was dealing with him, off and on. So I really didnt have any business catchimg feelings. But I did. I told him so, and told him we need to fall back, cause thats not what i want. I was happy the way things were and my feelings didnt need to complicate anything. That lasted about 2 weeks. anyway, cut to Labor day morning and me taking a pregnancy test!!

By this time, I had broken up with my last boyfriend a few months earlier. So there was no question in my mind who's it was, besides, boyfriend never went unprotected. So I call him and leave a message. He calls me back a few hours later, not unusual for him. I tell him what happened but I inform him that I'm not at home, and we would talk later. So when I get home, he suggests an abortion because he wont be there. (he already has 2 daughters, and 1 that he thought was his, but turned out not to be) When I refuse, he dissappears and i hear from him sporadically. I call him when I'm 5-1/2 months pregnant to tell him I'm having a son. This is when he starts to turn around. Now if I was having a girl, would he have started coming around again? I don't know. But dont get your hopes up just yet. He would call and check on us, come visit, bought a few things for the baby, but he didnt come to the hospital. Not once. It's like he was ashamed of us.

I asked him numerous times if he was embarassed, ashamed, did he deny his son, does he want a DNA test? He assures me that there is no question, Justice is his child, and he just hasnt had time to spend long periods of time with him. And I dont know why I still love him. He's one of those men who dont show any emotion at all! I mean the first time he saw his son he said "good enough". thats it. The few times I pissed him off all he said was "i'll call you back" then I cant find him for a few days. He never yells, never shows any vulnerability, so its so hard to read him. at first. But its been 5 yrs since that first night, 19 yrs since we first met and I think Im finally starting to get him. sad, right? oh well.

I been in alot of crazy situations, mainly because of the low self esteem that i used to have. but i think this has to be the craziest. It's not that I cant get anyone else. It's not that he's abusive or controlling, at all. in fact he's just the opposite, he acts like he doesnt care what I do. But I dont want to be with anyone else. I want a normal, healthy relationship. Do I have to be alone in order for that to happen? maybe. I been holding on for way too long now. I know I deserve better....or do I?

Family Ties

I quit! I really cannot do the drama this year! I HELPED to organize a joint family reunion for both of my grandparents families last year. The turn out was wonderful and I am so glad that I was able to experience it. I met family I never knew BUT all the drama that came with it was ridiculous!! I cant even get into the details of who did this and who said that, only because no matter what I am still respectful, especially to my family. But like I said, it was a JOINT reunion, meaning more than one core family, but they are all MY family. when my grandparents married, they had 2 children, who each had 3 children, that's where I come in. This reunion was for us. the Braxton-Braddock grandchildren. All of us don't know all of our family. Actually, I am the only one who knows who is who and how were realted. And that's only because I'm nosey and the oldest grandchild to spend time with my grandparents. (I have one cousin older than me, but he and his sisters didn't spend as much time with Poppop and Grandma as my sister and I did. My brother never met my grandmother and was only 4 when Poppop died). So, anyway, this reunion was for us to know our family, both sides. We are from the lines of Braxton, Morton, Braddock, Coleman, Jeffress, Palmer and Hill! This doesn't even count my father's side, or my aunt's side. There are 6 of us Grandkids, and 8 great-grands. Out of all of us, only one is still named Braxton. Yet, one of the issues with quite a few family was that their name wasn't on the t-shirts. Remember, only one of us is still a Braxton and it was our reunion....there weren't any Greens, Strohmans, Elliots, Wilsons, Marrs or Sandidges on the shirt either.

Now one side, the Braxtons, Mortons, COlemans and Jeffress' are SUPPOSED to be having a reunion next year in Ocean City, MD but nobody wants to help. I have sent out emails, facebook messages, tweets, myspace bulletins.....nothing. Only 2 people volunteered to help and thats not even close to enough. But when the time comes for the reunion, everyones gonna be looking at me, like, "Chan when is it? How much? Why? Who?" and all im gonna say is...."I asked for help." And the worst part is, apparently im not even a Braxton! (According to some family) Lmaooooo this drama is way too much for me. I'm gonna take my one cousins advice and just us Braxton-Braddock grandkids have our own small reunion. And let everyone fend for themselves!
I mean seriously, I am busy too. I have other things going on my life. I dont get paid for any of the organizing that I have to do, and neither did anybody else whoever put on our reunions. But it's not their time anymore. This is the time for my generation to step up and help out. But i think its my generation who doesnt care, because most of us didnt grow up together. Our parents moved out of Poughkeepsie and Millbrook and we were raised in Jersey, Long Island, Down South, Out West. We dont know each other. So why do all this traveling to meet people that you didnt even know existed. I get it. But if they just think about how good a time we all had the reunion, how we all hung out after, found each other on facebook and kept in touch....why not?

I dunno. All I know is, I love my family to death, anybody can tell you that. And no matter how much bitching and moaning I do, I know Im not gonna let the reunion fall by the wayside. I may complain the entire time, but come next summer Ill be the first one on the bus partying and making sure everybodys happy....sigh.....I love my dysfunctional family!

This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you....

I spanked Jonathan. I rarely, rarely spank him but i think thats the problem. He is out of control right now. Aside from losing 3 (prepaid) cell phones in 3 weeks, he has been talking back, getting fresh, throwing tantrums and screaming at me. Now, I try to keep my hands off of him because I know my temper. Sometimes I really feel like just throwing him through a wall, or as I used to be told "knocking him to the middle of next week" lol but I'm always afraid that I'll hurt him. When he gets out of line, I usually yell and scream, send him to his room, then just as soon, forget that i punished him just minutes before. I swear, that's the effects of all that weed smoking lol he gets away with so much because of my bad memory! lol Well, yesterday I couldn't do it anymore. I held it in all weekend long. Now let me explain....yes, Jonathan is only 8 and, No, he doesn't necessarily need a phone but it's for security. He calls me when he is close to school and if anything happens he has a way to reach us. He lost one phone a few weeks ago, I didn't get mad, because even adults lose phones, so I ordered him another one, put minutes on it and that one was lost too. It wouldnt have been so bad, considering we both thought he lost it in the house, but i decided to check his activity online and realized that somehow he lost the phone between school and home and someone has it. I had an extra phone I turned on for him, because I refused to purchase another one. I put minutes on this phone and activated it. This was Sunday afternoon. I pick him up from school yesterday and all of his classmates coming running over to me. "Ms. Green, Jonathan lost his phone!""he left it at breakfast!""he'll be right out, Mrs. Curry is helping him find his phone." I FLIPPED!! I called his father and told him he better talk to him, cause I was done. The teacher came out and told me she'll keep an eye out for me. I grounded him until I said different. That's all I was planning on doing, just grounding, no cartoons, no video games, no toys in the tub for a few days, maybe a week. I would've yelled a little more and called it a day. Well, he was supposed to be cleaning his room and I asked him to hand me something that Justice left on his bed and Jonathan decides to throw it at me!! He lost his ever-loving rabid mind!!! Before I knew it I had him flipped over on the bed and spanked him about 4 or 5 times. I felt so bad afterward. He was in the room crying and I'm screaming, sounding like my mother, "Shut up 'fore I give you something to cry about!" thats when I started to feel horrible. My mother was a good mother, a great mother, and raised us pretty much by herself our whole lives, and I know I deserved the discipline I got, cause I was fresh. I wonder if she felt bad about the spankings she gave us? Shoot, we got hit with belts,switches and pepsi bottles, Jay just got slapped on the rear lol but honestly, I don't know what else to do.
His father doesn't discipline him, he's the fun one, I'm always the bad one, the mean one, the one who he wants to run away from, the one that gets all the drama, the hassle, the aggravation of making him do his homework neatly,of brushing his teeth properly, of cleaning his room. His father thinks I'm too tough on him, but he was a spoiled lil kid too and never had to do anything and I refuse to let Jonathan grow up like that. He needs to learn responsibility and respect. John does not help at all. I ask him to talk to his son and thats all he does. Ineffectively. Jonathan will cry, then John will buy him something. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!! Then on top of all that, everytime he gets mad he tells me that I'm a bad mother and I don't do enough for Jonathan. Bullshit! but this isn't about him right now. Jonathan is my first son, my only child for 6-1/2 yrs, my life, my heart...I love him with every fiber of my being and would probably die if he ever did really go live with his father, but.....I REFUSE TO BE AFRAID OF MY CHILD!!! And thats what is going to happen if I don't nip this in the bud right now. Pretty soon, he'll be bigger and stronger than me. If he's wildin out now, I can't imagine what he'll be like as a teenager, especially if he starts emulating his father, who has no respect for anyone, not his mother, aunt, friends, girlfriend or even the courts (another story another time). I will not be sitting on Maury talking about "I'm scared of what Jonathan will do to me!" I said it before and I'll say it again....I brought him into this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him!!

In the middle of the night

Ok so it's 3am and I'm up. Now what? Lol I went on facebook, just a bunch of party invitations, YouTube uploads and mafia requests. I called Justice's father. He's not answering, so now my mind is buggin off that. Don't feel like twittering. Nothing I wanna watch on tv.... So I blog! Lmao I wasn't feeling well earlier so I took some theraflu and was knocked out by 8:30pm. My poor kids never heard me curse so much, but I was sick and they wouldn't listen. Ugh! I did finally go get my nails done though. $60!!!! Outrageous! But I decided to pamper myself for once and get the gel set instead of acrylics. I'm very happy with it too, which in and of itself Is a miracle lol. Ok, I feel the sandman coming.....I'll holla


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Ipod touch, water-death, maybe, maybe not

I almost killed him! i swear, i did. My 21 month old, who usually plays with the apps and games on the touch, somehow got into the bathroom and decided to give the "toy" a bath. he handed it to me, soaking wet and said "uh oh". I couldnt even scream at him at that moment. I just took the thing, told him to get away from me, to sit down and put his hands in his pockets and dont talk to me. (he motioned to me that he didnt have any pants on, so no pockets) i dried the ipod off and quickly searched for what to do if the ipod got wet. man, these people are complete idiots! aside from washing their ipods/iphones with their clothes, which i guess COULD happen, i saw posts of dropping them in puddles, getting caught in the rain, normal stuff. but c'mon the hell on, who goes swimming with the damn thing in their pocket? one person posted that he put an ice cube in his pocket!! that had to be a lie, but regardless, their solutions to the problem range from trying to defraud Apple, Inc. with various methods, including bleach, to charging the ipod for a few days....um, hello, wet electronics and an outlet dont mix. the most sensible one i heard was actually from someone who claimed to be a former AT&T manager. He suggested just placing in the gadget in dry rice, non-instant oatmeal or silicone gel for 2 days, then letting it air dry for another day. so that's what i'm doing right now. Hopefully, this works. I knew that I loved my ipod but I didnt realize how much I depended on it. I do absolutely everything on there. My notes for Sunday School lessons, my finances, my datebook, my clients' schedules....everything. and on top of that i just bought a clock radio to hook up to the ipod and new Apple earphones ($30 each!) As for Justice, he got a pop on his hand for playing with the xbox and scolding. I know he's just a baby, but dont nobody have money to be replacing shit all the time! he already threw my phone in a glass of water a few months ago. i'm crossing my fingers that this oatmeal trick works...but just in case i'll be checking ebay for another one.


Cut to the next day.......



So last night I took the iPod out of the oatmeal and wiped it off. I turned it on and yay! The apple logo appeared, it started up fine! No frozen screens or sensitivity issues, no problems with wifi or the music! I'm souped!!! Matter of fact i'm updating this blog from the iPod right now! Now if I can just keep Justice from playing with the tv.....

Stuck in the house

today was the biggest snow storm of the year, granted, its on february 10th lol but regardless.... so there was no school, no work, everybody was home. Justice was beyond his normal hyper self because he was trying to keep up with Jonathan all day. he finally conked out about 7pm. Jonathan was actually pretty good, but only because his new tv is coming and I told him if he didnt behave I'd throw the thing in the closet and he'll never see it. does that make me a mean person? who cares? lol. No school tomorrow either cuz of the snow, then he's out Friday, Monday and Tuesday! I need a drink! Lol

Inconsiderate, overly sensitive, disrespectful jackass!

Jonathan's father is a jackass!! Plain and simple. First of all, Jonathan had an eye dr appointment on Wednesday. That had to be changed cuz he conveniently was running late. So i moved it til Sunday. John knew this. All of a sudden he wanted to take jay to get a toy. Fine. I asked him to either pick him up before church ended or right after cuz we had to take to bus to the eye doctor. He was fine with that, until it was time to get him, then he was literally screaming that it wasn't necessary for jay to get his eyes checked. Mind u he came to get him 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave and also mind u, he went out of his way to go to another toy store when toys r us is right next door to the Eye dr! Now he owes me money for Jonathan and is bullshitting, trying not to give it to me, like I'm going to kiss his ass for it. Never have, never will. So he tells me "I hope u fucking die, I hate ur ass!" I hope he finds a place to live when I do so he can finally be a parent! Jackass!!!!!


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Justice Michael Anthony (repost)

On Labor day of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. Shock is not even the word to describe how I felt. On top of not expecting to have another child I had to deal with his father. he did not ever want to have anymore kids, obviously we both dropped the ball (so to speak) lmao

We argued back and forth for a few weeks before the descision was made to raise this baby. At 6 wks I went for the regular Ultrasound to make sure he was ok. The doctor told me there was definitely something in there and said she would check again in 2 weeks.
I thought at the time that was strange, they usually check every 4 weeks, but i was just so happy to be pregnant I didnt pay it much mind. One day within that week I had to call the office with some insurance information. the covering doctor gets on the phone and tells me in these words "Ms. Green, you may have miscarried, you have what is called a blighted ovum and we need you to come in. we may possibly have to do a D&C" (thats where they scrape out the rest of the baby that was attached to your womb

) sorry to be graphic but thats how hard it hit me....I was downtown Newark, by myself and I just started crying on the street. I know people must've thought I was nuts! I called my sister, emailed my cousin and told my mother. I cried for 3 days straight. I prayed and prayed to please let my baby be alright. I promised the Lord that if my baby was healthy I would return him to Him.

When I went back to the dr. my original doctor was so upset at the covering doctor. she said that she didnt say anything to me because it would cause unneccessary worry. she said "Ms. Green, i see the heart. your baby is fine. sometimes they're just too little in the beginning to see" I cried again, happy tears this time.

The pregnancy went well, I was sick everyday for 7-1/2 months. at 5 months, my little brother took me to find out the sex of the baby. actually because of the complications i had with jonathan the dr's wanted to double check for any birth disorders and if i would get an amnio.

well, harold picked me up, 2 hrs late (ugh!) and they were able to squeeze me in. Harold was the first to find out I was having a boy! (actually i knew 2 days before at the dr's office). He was so happy.

So time goes on and its time for Justice to come into the world. My c-section was scheduled for April 25. 2008 at 10am.

this was the day of the Sean Bell shooting trial, the cops were acquitted. My doctor asked me if I came up with a name yet, I told her Justice, she said good, at least someone will get Justice today.

My sister was in the delivery room with me, shaking and nervous the whole time lmao she was the first one to hold him. And of course you know what my first words to him were, "Welcome to the world Mookie, I fight kids!" I swear! lmao


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My spiritual journey (repost)

Recently on one of my statuses I wrote "I wonder why all these "holy" people spend all day in church on Sunday and raise hell Monday thru Saturday. God sees you all week u know". I just want to clear up my intentions. I am not talking about any one person in particular; I'm just speaking on my own personal experiences with church folk. You go to Sunday school at 8am, then you got first service, then second service, then you may have to go sing at another church, you don’t leave the church till 8pm. all the while you sitting there like you the holiest thing ever but when you leave that church ground, Lawd have mercy!! You using the Lord's name in vain, cursing out drivers, plucking ashes out the window, got your bottle of thunderbird waiting at home or at your mistresses house (oops, I stepped on somebody’s foot! lmaoooo)! Hanging in the bar with me, telling me I need to go to church, naw, u need to go to church. If your gonna fake it, fake it til u make it! I feel as though the sinner on the corner who never heard the Word of God is better than the person who knows the word and still does the same thing. I know you don’t join church or get saved then "poof" all of your vices are gone, but come on, how u gonna be holding church at work, screaming and shouting about how the Lord will provide and you stealing money out the register???? And that’s a true story!! These are the people who I'm talking about.

Now before I say anything else let me make it clear that I DO believe in God, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and rose again. I am not an Atheist, I am not Agnostic, I am not a 5%er, nor am I Muslim. I am a Christian. Just because I don't go to church does not mean I am not a child of God. "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." Isaiah 54:17 I have a relationship with the Lord, and he knows my heart. Nothing man can say will ever place me in Hell.

What I say may offend people, but honestly, I don't feel as though I should conform to what everyone else thinks, just because...So I apologize ahead of time for any hurt feelings or toes stepped on. I just wanted to document my journey in the church, maybe someone reading it needs to hear it, you never know. (No, I am not planning on being a preacher either, so please don't ask me lol)

Some of you may know that my mother is a Reverend and my sister is a Minister. Some of you may know that I was raised in the church. Some of you may even know that I taught Sunday School, went to Bible Study classes every week, got baptized very young, sang in the choir, and wrote church plays... all that stuff. But not many people understand why I feel the way I do about "The Church".

I came up in Central Baptist Church in Salt Point, NY under the late Rev. Melvin Jerome Roundtree. This is who baptized me. This was who I looked up to. As far as I was concerned Rev. Roundtree could do no wrong, and I don't know if he ever did. He epitomized, to me, what a Pastor was supposed to be. Always smiling. Always kind. Always supportive and even when he yelled at you, you felt the warmness. Now, Rev. was not on a pedestal, I was too young to truly understand what it meant to worship man, but looking back now I know that I did not worship him, but adored him. I point this out because I know somebody is going to say "Well, she put him on a pedestal, that’s why nobody was ever as good as him". This is not true. Rev. died yrs ago. Twenty yrs later I can still remember his sermons.

In my family there seemed to be 2 types of people. The ones who went to church regularly and the ones who didn't. My mother would go and make us go to church every Sunday. we were there on wednesdays for bible study, thursdays for choir rehearsal. we were in church more than we were home it seemed. but i always remember all of those family members who didnt go to church. most of whom have passed on now. see, most people believe if your not sitting in a church building, on your knees with a bible in hand that your not going to heaven. and there is nothing wrong with that. but now i understand that you dont have to be in a physical building to worship God and it doesnt always have to be thru public praise. All of those "sinners" in my family, my grandparents, their cousins, their friends would sit around singing sometimes. guess what they would sing, Precious Lord, Amazing Grace, I dont feel noways tired.....They may have known the Lord, but just because they weren't members of a church, they were looked at as "sinners". Now I cant say for certain where they are now, whether they're chilling or burning up lol but I can see that they had their own personal relationships with God and I can't fault them for that.

I remember we would go to gospel concerts and retreats and people would "catch the Holy Ghost" left and right, literally. It happened to me, once. The nurses would always be there to make sure the worshipper didn’t get hurt. But my understanding was that if God was making you do all that shouting and jumping around He wouldn’t let you get hurt. well, this one time we were at a concert and this lady in the row in front of me started shouting and jumping and wailing about...she fell and cracked her head on the radiator. Hmmmm.....who was she trying to fool?

When I moved to NJ we joined another church. Notice I said "We". I did not join this church on my own. My mother joined the family under "watch care". I did not like the church; I did not like the Pastor. Something just didn’t sit right with me there, but I attended because I had to. I made friends there. I sang in the choir, everything. The church was dry. I didn’t feel The Holy Spirit; I didn’t even hear a hand clap. Eventually I got to the age when I decided that I was not going to this church anymore. I switched denominations and joined another church. When I told my family that I was not going to a Baptist church you would've thought I killed Jesus himself! My sister didn’t talk to me for weeks.

Being close to someone who suddenly says they are going to be a vessel for the Lord is a hard thing to do. I don't think people realize that. See, I knew the pasts of my mother and sister. And even though my mother had been studying theology for yrs, I still knew that when she got mad she was going to curse you out. She still will but she's just nicer about it now lol I knew my sister's temper and did not understand how she could be a preacher when she's constantly saying she doesn’t like people? But as they transformed with God, I was able to see God working through them and with them. And it's true, nothing happens overnight, but I can tell you if it had not been for the Lord in their lives, mine would've been completely different, because it was them who prayed for me when refused to do it for myself.

Now this church....they sang! I mean SAAAANG!! And yall know how much I love music. I have always been ministered to thru music. I'll hear the word, I'll read the Bible, but music is where I got my blessings. Anyway, this was a musical church and I loved it, or so I thought. Until I started hearing outlandish rumors about the Pastor(s)...not just one but a few Pastors...until I started to notice things that just weren't right to me. My spirit was telling me to leave. I fought it for about 2 yrs, and then finally I left.

I was without a church home for quite awhile. But I was "grown". So I was in the streets, literally. Drinking, smoking weed, selling it, having sex, lying and stealing. Staying away from home for days at a time, only coming home to get more clothes. But the whole time I knew it was only God that kept me safe. When I tell you I am not supposed to be here today, I'm not exaggerating. It was during this time that I was almost raped (someone came into the room and stopped him), I would walk around Newark at 4 and 5 in the morning with nothing more than a pocket knife on my keychain. I was in an accident in a stolen car and had to jump out of it while the cops were still chasing us. (No, I did not know the car was stolen, another story, another time) I hung with drug dealers and criminals. Every week someone else was getting locked up. But the whole time I knew it was God.....

I would visit my family's church every now and then, especially when my mother was preaching. Well, one time, I went to church in what I had, God said come as u are, right? I didn't even own a business suit, much less a church outfit. One of the church members, I don’t remember if he was a deacon or trustee at the time, approached me. He asked me, "Where are your church clothes?" I asked him "did you buy me any?" I didn’t go back to that church for a long time.

Eventually, after I got into some trouble, u know everybody finds the Lord when they bout to die or get locked up, I went back and joined that church. I was in full force. Teaching Sunday school, attending bible study classes, singing in the choir (never mind that I can’t sing, I was singing for the Lord :D). At the time, I was with Jonathan’s father. We lived together although we were not married we had been together for yrs at this point. Well, anyway, I got pregnant. Mind you, I was teaching Sunday school and when the kids would ask me if I was married or how can I have a baby if I’m not married, I was honest with them. I would tell them that my boyfriend and I loved each other and one day we would get married but the baby came first and that they should ask their parents to explain it to them. So the elders in the church were not very happy about that. At one church meeting someone mentioned that I could not become Sunday school superintendent because I had a baby. I kindly stood up and told them "no one in this room is holier than me and some of your children are older than your marriages" and walked out. I went back once for a funeral.

Again I was without a church home and back to almost all of my old habits. I moved back in with my mother when Jonathan’s father and I split. At this time she was preaching at another church. I refused to go to this church. Why would I put myself thru getting to know people and get close to them just for them to prove their hypocrisy? At least with people who aren’t in the church u know what you’re going to get. If they get drunk, they get drunk everyday. If they smoke, they smoke everyday. I felt as though people who go to church were fronting, they sit there all day screaming shouting and crying and then talk about you or cheat on their husbands and wives or steal from their jobs.

But eventually I did visit the church, and I fell in love with the people right away. They reminded me of Rev. Roundtree and Central Baptist. Everyone was warm and friendly and loving and I have yet to see any hypocrites come out of that church. I am still in contact with a few. Not they were perfect, but they made you feel welcome. Made you feel like it doesn’t matter what you wear or who you are or how imperfect you are, they welcomed you with open arms. If my mother hadn't stopped preaching there, I would be there right now.

My reasoning for not going to church was "God said, 'where 2 or 3 are gathered' and me and my son makes 2, we'll watch BET gospel, watch a lil Joel Osteen, pass around a dollar and we had church!"

At some point, I met a man who was a 5%er. A lot of people confuse 5%er's with Muslims. The Five Percent Nation or the Nation of Gods and Earths is an offshoot of the black Muslims. It came about during the civil rights era, so a lot of the teachings focus on the "truth" of the "devil" and the "original man". Founded by Clarence 13X (called "The Father"), he was under Malcolm X then left to mosque to start the 5%. They believe that 85% or the world do not know the "truth", 15% know the "truth" but refuse to teach it and 5% know and share the "truth". Although it does not teach racism or hate, many take it that way because they don't understand it and confuse it with the Black Hebrew Israelites, the men who stand on the corner with Hebrew robes and beards denouncing Jesus. The 5% base everything on fact. Science. If it can not be proven it's not real, so with that, they believe that Jesus was actually on earth, but they do not believe in what they call "a mystery god", miracles or the resurrection. But they also equate humans with Nature. The men call themselves gods, because they are the sole master and control of their universe (their family). The women are called earths, because the earth rotates around the sun (the man) and is the only planet to give life. It is actually very interesting. I actually learned a lot about myself by studying the lessons. As my boyfriend would talk about certain things I would ask him where he got that from, then I'd research it. I'm not going to go into the teachings, but I feel like everyone should study different religions, whether you practice them or not. I also studied the Muslim religion, Garveyites, Jews, and Hindus....anything I could get my hands on. I would take 10 books out of the library at a time.

The church where my family goes now is a good church, they just take too long! I visit when the kids are dancing or my sister is preaching or there is a play. I've even written plays for them and helped with wigs and costumes. Yes, there are people in this church that rub me the wrong way, and if it wasn’t for embarrassing my family, id curse them out. But, overall, it’s a great church, with a great Pastor and Pastoral staff. If they could start a little later and not have that one person talk so long (not the Pastor either, Mommy and Tiffani know who I'm talking bout lol) maybe I would join. But now I wait for the Lord to move me, I don’t just join because everyone else did.
(since the original post, I have joined this church and now teach Sunday school and help with the drama ministry)


Eventually I hope to find a church home, but im not rushing it. I'd rather not have a church home and be a freelance Christian, than to be at the wrong church. I think the worst thing you can do is kill someone spiritually. “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” Luke 18:16. Every time you tell a little kid they cant join church cause they’re too young and don’t understand, or you drive a teenager away from church when that may be the only safe place they have to go, or when a visitor comes to your church and you tell them, “nah uh, that’s my seat” or “you cant wear that in here”. You never know what people are going thru or who they are. Leviticus 19:18 says “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.”

so when people judge me because I have 2 children with 2 different Fathers, I tell them “you know why? Because the first one used to beat me and I would die before I ever had another child with him”. When people tell me, you have tattoos, you must be a bad girl, I tell them “Africans have used tattoos for centuries essentially for the medicinal and spiritual qualities and each one of my tattoos represents a different time in my life and the changes that I made”. When someone tells me you are abusing your body by smoking and drinking and having sex, I tell them “you’re right, but I still have a lot of growing to do and right now this is how I cope with the stress and drama from my past and in my life”. When they tell me, you need to pray on it. I tell them “how do you know I haven’t already prayed on it. Yes God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO” and when they tell me, your going to Hell because you don’t know the Lord, I tell them, (sometimes nicely, sometimes not so nicely, depending on my mood) "you don’t know Who I know or how I know


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For my sons or don't screw up like I did (Repost from facebook)

I have failed at more than you ever thought to try. I've loved and lost, hurt so much i thought i'd die.

I dropped outta school cuz i didn't make the grades, returned 2 yrs later and i got straight a's.

I've shamed my family and i've shamed myself. I've felt a heartbreak that never should be felt.

There were times when i thought i'd never make it home. Only God kept me while on those streets i'd roam.

I've done some bad things no one would ever think i'd do. But i have no regrets cuz in the end i got u.

I been there and done that, ur pain is nothing new. But u don't need to go thru what i already been thru.

Baby i know life is hard, its like that for everyone but ur life will be better because u are my son.

Don't do what i did it was wrong u see. I want u to be better than me.

I got this job with no warning, husband or plan. I'm not the best but i do the best that i can.

When i leave this world and my work is done they will say she did 2 things right, she had her sons.


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I had a dream...

I have the strangest almost, prophetic dreams. I've dreamed of family members that died years ago, I've had dreams of my cousins future. Dreams that have made me wake up crying and ones that have made me wake up laughing. In the past 24 hrs I've had 3 dreams about my family. The first one, my uncle, cousin and myself were out at a sushi restaurant and a young girl at another table said something slick to my uncle and me and my cousin ended up fighting the girl. The second one, my other cousin and my mother were coaches of a high school basketball team. Innocent enough right? Well, the last one spooked me right out of my sleep..... My mother, sons, niece's grandfather, and I were in my house. My mother was cooking and the boys were running around. Papi was fixing a light bulb and was sweeping a bulb he had dropped. He placed the broom and dustpan against the wall and went into the kitchen with my mother. Here's the spooky part, my mother came out of her room, took the broom and dustpan and sat on her bed! When papi came back, looking for the broom, he looked in mothers room and saw her on the bed. This was her ghost!
My real mother was in the kitchen. I yelled to her "
Ma, u got a ghost in here" she said, "I know. Don't look at her, you'll connect her with me. ". Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! I don't think i ever woke up so quick! Lmao I need to get somebody to interpret these things.


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I'm not a mommy I just happen to have kids

Well, I usually work on Saturdays but there was supposed to be a huge snowstorm.....there's no snow. But I already called out and the boys are here with me so I guess we'll be spending the day together. Which is fine, for the first 2 hrs lol then we'll be on each others nerves. Hopefully the lil tax right offs won't annoy me too much, I hate yelling at them but at least they don't get beatings or spankings. Mainly cause im afraid ill hurt them. I have a terrible temper. But, Shoot, the stuff they get away with, I'd never THINK about doing. I told Jonathan that the only reason he gets away with shit is cause I have a bad memory and I forget that I punished him. It's true. I just did it last night, he decided to huff and puff when ma asked him to do something and instead of throwing him out the window I told him to go to his room, I forgot to tell him no toys lol I swear I'm not a mommy I just happen to have kids lol. Love him to death but I tell you one day I'm gonna knock him out! He got too much of his father in him. Thinking the world revolves around him and what's important to him. I even told Jonathan to go live with his father, am I mean? I don't care. I will not be on Maury talking about I'm afraid of my own kid! I brought him in this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him! Jonathan tells me I'm crazy all the time. Lol good! That means he'll never know when I'll snap and pop his ass! That's how I like it! More kids need to be afraid of their parents. Shit, I'm 35 and I still flinch when my mother walks in the room! Lmao! All these psychologists and doctors say "you must respect your children in order for them to respect you" bullshit! Fear lasts way longer than respect! Now don't get me twisted, I respect my kids, I love and adore them, I make sure they get way more love than I ever did growing up but I'll be damned if I let them grow up running wild and making me nervous. Anyway, I hear one of the children of the corn waking up now......I'll holla, peace!





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Yup, that's my life

Ok so I decided to finally get this blog going, at the urge of a high school friend, and the shit falls apart lol i turned the computer on this morning and everything on the screen is HUGE! I play with it for a few hrs then all of a sudden the shit is small as hell in the middle of the screen! WTF? So needless to say I had a few cigarettes today and yelled a lil more than necessary, poor babies. I really don't want to buy a new computer right now, and honestly can't afford it. Maybe I'll just get an external hard drive, save all my pictures, documents and music and reinstall windows. This sucks. Ugh! Aight, time for the kids to get ready for bed.....I'll holla


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Welcome

Hey you!
Welcome to my first blog!! Let me give you a brief, kinda, intro to myself....I was born and raised in Poughkeepsie, NY. Moved to New Jersey in the 10th grade (1989) and been STUCK here ever since lol. I have 2 beautiful sons, Jonathan Chan (8 yrs) and Justice Michael Anthony (almost 2yrs). I am currently a part-time hairdresser and full time mom. I love my family & friends and hate drama. my dad is from trelawny, jamaica and i wish i could meet more of my family from that side. i have my own personal relationship with God and we good, son!!! i absolutely love doing hair and maintaining healthy hair especially dredlocks, but i hate going to work. I love trivia, im like a black female cliff claven. i am a history buff. and when i watch movies set in ancient times, i look for digital watches and airplanes. yeah im a little geeky too. i claim people, quick. toni braxton? cousin. al green? uncle. patti labelle? aunt. chris brown? nephew. i love love love old school hip hop and if i could rap i'd bust a rhyme right now. rakim the god is my first husband. redman is my second and t.i. is my third. I am very comfortable with my body and hate when people try to force me to lose weight, stop smoking or stop drinking. i know its gonna kill me, we all gotta go sometime, i might as well be happy and drunk. I love my kids, nieces, nephew and lil cousins to death. but i cant stand kids and they know it so they push my buttons on purpose. I am a scorpio to the heart, The Intense One. Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser . Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self- centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. i love everyone, because God said i have to, but he didnt say i had to like anybody. that includes you. ;) Thank you for checking me out and i hope to keep you just a little interested. lol later.....