My spiritual journey (repost)

Recently on one of my statuses I wrote "I wonder why all these "holy" people spend all day in church on Sunday and raise hell Monday thru Saturday. God sees you all week u know". I just want to clear up my intentions. I am not talking about any one person in particular; I'm just speaking on my own personal experiences with church folk. You go to Sunday school at 8am, then you got first service, then second service, then you may have to go sing at another church, you don’t leave the church till 8pm. all the while you sitting there like you the holiest thing ever but when you leave that church ground, Lawd have mercy!! You using the Lord's name in vain, cursing out drivers, plucking ashes out the window, got your bottle of thunderbird waiting at home or at your mistresses house (oops, I stepped on somebody’s foot! lmaoooo)! Hanging in the bar with me, telling me I need to go to church, naw, u need to go to church. If your gonna fake it, fake it til u make it! I feel as though the sinner on the corner who never heard the Word of God is better than the person who knows the word and still does the same thing. I know you don’t join church or get saved then "poof" all of your vices are gone, but come on, how u gonna be holding church at work, screaming and shouting about how the Lord will provide and you stealing money out the register???? And that’s a true story!! These are the people who I'm talking about.

Now before I say anything else let me make it clear that I DO believe in God, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and rose again. I am not an Atheist, I am not Agnostic, I am not a 5%er, nor am I Muslim. I am a Christian. Just because I don't go to church does not mean I am not a child of God. "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." Isaiah 54:17 I have a relationship with the Lord, and he knows my heart. Nothing man can say will ever place me in Hell.

What I say may offend people, but honestly, I don't feel as though I should conform to what everyone else thinks, just because...So I apologize ahead of time for any hurt feelings or toes stepped on. I just wanted to document my journey in the church, maybe someone reading it needs to hear it, you never know. (No, I am not planning on being a preacher either, so please don't ask me lol)

Some of you may know that my mother is a Reverend and my sister is a Minister. Some of you may know that I was raised in the church. Some of you may even know that I taught Sunday School, went to Bible Study classes every week, got baptized very young, sang in the choir, and wrote church plays... all that stuff. But not many people understand why I feel the way I do about "The Church".

I came up in Central Baptist Church in Salt Point, NY under the late Rev. Melvin Jerome Roundtree. This is who baptized me. This was who I looked up to. As far as I was concerned Rev. Roundtree could do no wrong, and I don't know if he ever did. He epitomized, to me, what a Pastor was supposed to be. Always smiling. Always kind. Always supportive and even when he yelled at you, you felt the warmness. Now, Rev. was not on a pedestal, I was too young to truly understand what it meant to worship man, but looking back now I know that I did not worship him, but adored him. I point this out because I know somebody is going to say "Well, she put him on a pedestal, that’s why nobody was ever as good as him". This is not true. Rev. died yrs ago. Twenty yrs later I can still remember his sermons.

In my family there seemed to be 2 types of people. The ones who went to church regularly and the ones who didn't. My mother would go and make us go to church every Sunday. we were there on wednesdays for bible study, thursdays for choir rehearsal. we were in church more than we were home it seemed. but i always remember all of those family members who didnt go to church. most of whom have passed on now. see, most people believe if your not sitting in a church building, on your knees with a bible in hand that your not going to heaven. and there is nothing wrong with that. but now i understand that you dont have to be in a physical building to worship God and it doesnt always have to be thru public praise. All of those "sinners" in my family, my grandparents, their cousins, their friends would sit around singing sometimes. guess what they would sing, Precious Lord, Amazing Grace, I dont feel noways tired.....They may have known the Lord, but just because they weren't members of a church, they were looked at as "sinners". Now I cant say for certain where they are now, whether they're chilling or burning up lol but I can see that they had their own personal relationships with God and I can't fault them for that.

I remember we would go to gospel concerts and retreats and people would "catch the Holy Ghost" left and right, literally. It happened to me, once. The nurses would always be there to make sure the worshipper didn’t get hurt. But my understanding was that if God was making you do all that shouting and jumping around He wouldn’t let you get hurt. well, this one time we were at a concert and this lady in the row in front of me started shouting and jumping and wailing about...she fell and cracked her head on the radiator. Hmmmm.....who was she trying to fool?

When I moved to NJ we joined another church. Notice I said "We". I did not join this church on my own. My mother joined the family under "watch care". I did not like the church; I did not like the Pastor. Something just didn’t sit right with me there, but I attended because I had to. I made friends there. I sang in the choir, everything. The church was dry. I didn’t feel The Holy Spirit; I didn’t even hear a hand clap. Eventually I got to the age when I decided that I was not going to this church anymore. I switched denominations and joined another church. When I told my family that I was not going to a Baptist church you would've thought I killed Jesus himself! My sister didn’t talk to me for weeks.

Being close to someone who suddenly says they are going to be a vessel for the Lord is a hard thing to do. I don't think people realize that. See, I knew the pasts of my mother and sister. And even though my mother had been studying theology for yrs, I still knew that when she got mad she was going to curse you out. She still will but she's just nicer about it now lol I knew my sister's temper and did not understand how she could be a preacher when she's constantly saying she doesn’t like people? But as they transformed with God, I was able to see God working through them and with them. And it's true, nothing happens overnight, but I can tell you if it had not been for the Lord in their lives, mine would've been completely different, because it was them who prayed for me when refused to do it for myself.

Now this church....they sang! I mean SAAAANG!! And yall know how much I love music. I have always been ministered to thru music. I'll hear the word, I'll read the Bible, but music is where I got my blessings. Anyway, this was a musical church and I loved it, or so I thought. Until I started hearing outlandish rumors about the Pastor(s)...not just one but a few Pastors...until I started to notice things that just weren't right to me. My spirit was telling me to leave. I fought it for about 2 yrs, and then finally I left.

I was without a church home for quite awhile. But I was "grown". So I was in the streets, literally. Drinking, smoking weed, selling it, having sex, lying and stealing. Staying away from home for days at a time, only coming home to get more clothes. But the whole time I knew it was only God that kept me safe. When I tell you I am not supposed to be here today, I'm not exaggerating. It was during this time that I was almost raped (someone came into the room and stopped him), I would walk around Newark at 4 and 5 in the morning with nothing more than a pocket knife on my keychain. I was in an accident in a stolen car and had to jump out of it while the cops were still chasing us. (No, I did not know the car was stolen, another story, another time) I hung with drug dealers and criminals. Every week someone else was getting locked up. But the whole time I knew it was God.....

I would visit my family's church every now and then, especially when my mother was preaching. Well, one time, I went to church in what I had, God said come as u are, right? I didn't even own a business suit, much less a church outfit. One of the church members, I don’t remember if he was a deacon or trustee at the time, approached me. He asked me, "Where are your church clothes?" I asked him "did you buy me any?" I didn’t go back to that church for a long time.

Eventually, after I got into some trouble, u know everybody finds the Lord when they bout to die or get locked up, I went back and joined that church. I was in full force. Teaching Sunday school, attending bible study classes, singing in the choir (never mind that I can’t sing, I was singing for the Lord :D). At the time, I was with Jonathan’s father. We lived together although we were not married we had been together for yrs at this point. Well, anyway, I got pregnant. Mind you, I was teaching Sunday school and when the kids would ask me if I was married or how can I have a baby if I’m not married, I was honest with them. I would tell them that my boyfriend and I loved each other and one day we would get married but the baby came first and that they should ask their parents to explain it to them. So the elders in the church were not very happy about that. At one church meeting someone mentioned that I could not become Sunday school superintendent because I had a baby. I kindly stood up and told them "no one in this room is holier than me and some of your children are older than your marriages" and walked out. I went back once for a funeral.

Again I was without a church home and back to almost all of my old habits. I moved back in with my mother when Jonathan’s father and I split. At this time she was preaching at another church. I refused to go to this church. Why would I put myself thru getting to know people and get close to them just for them to prove their hypocrisy? At least with people who aren’t in the church u know what you’re going to get. If they get drunk, they get drunk everyday. If they smoke, they smoke everyday. I felt as though people who go to church were fronting, they sit there all day screaming shouting and crying and then talk about you or cheat on their husbands and wives or steal from their jobs.

But eventually I did visit the church, and I fell in love with the people right away. They reminded me of Rev. Roundtree and Central Baptist. Everyone was warm and friendly and loving and I have yet to see any hypocrites come out of that church. I am still in contact with a few. Not they were perfect, but they made you feel welcome. Made you feel like it doesn’t matter what you wear or who you are or how imperfect you are, they welcomed you with open arms. If my mother hadn't stopped preaching there, I would be there right now.

My reasoning for not going to church was "God said, 'where 2 or 3 are gathered' and me and my son makes 2, we'll watch BET gospel, watch a lil Joel Osteen, pass around a dollar and we had church!"

At some point, I met a man who was a 5%er. A lot of people confuse 5%er's with Muslims. The Five Percent Nation or the Nation of Gods and Earths is an offshoot of the black Muslims. It came about during the civil rights era, so a lot of the teachings focus on the "truth" of the "devil" and the "original man". Founded by Clarence 13X (called "The Father"), he was under Malcolm X then left to mosque to start the 5%. They believe that 85% or the world do not know the "truth", 15% know the "truth" but refuse to teach it and 5% know and share the "truth". Although it does not teach racism or hate, many take it that way because they don't understand it and confuse it with the Black Hebrew Israelites, the men who stand on the corner with Hebrew robes and beards denouncing Jesus. The 5% base everything on fact. Science. If it can not be proven it's not real, so with that, they believe that Jesus was actually on earth, but they do not believe in what they call "a mystery god", miracles or the resurrection. But they also equate humans with Nature. The men call themselves gods, because they are the sole master and control of their universe (their family). The women are called earths, because the earth rotates around the sun (the man) and is the only planet to give life. It is actually very interesting. I actually learned a lot about myself by studying the lessons. As my boyfriend would talk about certain things I would ask him where he got that from, then I'd research it. I'm not going to go into the teachings, but I feel like everyone should study different religions, whether you practice them or not. I also studied the Muslim religion, Garveyites, Jews, and Hindus....anything I could get my hands on. I would take 10 books out of the library at a time.

The church where my family goes now is a good church, they just take too long! I visit when the kids are dancing or my sister is preaching or there is a play. I've even written plays for them and helped with wigs and costumes. Yes, there are people in this church that rub me the wrong way, and if it wasn’t for embarrassing my family, id curse them out. But, overall, it’s a great church, with a great Pastor and Pastoral staff. If they could start a little later and not have that one person talk so long (not the Pastor either, Mommy and Tiffani know who I'm talking bout lol) maybe I would join. But now I wait for the Lord to move me, I don’t just join because everyone else did.
(since the original post, I have joined this church and now teach Sunday school and help with the drama ministry)


Eventually I hope to find a church home, but im not rushing it. I'd rather not have a church home and be a freelance Christian, than to be at the wrong church. I think the worst thing you can do is kill someone spiritually. “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” Luke 18:16. Every time you tell a little kid they cant join church cause they’re too young and don’t understand, or you drive a teenager away from church when that may be the only safe place they have to go, or when a visitor comes to your church and you tell them, “nah uh, that’s my seat” or “you cant wear that in here”. You never know what people are going thru or who they are. Leviticus 19:18 says “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.”

so when people judge me because I have 2 children with 2 different Fathers, I tell them “you know why? Because the first one used to beat me and I would die before I ever had another child with him”. When people tell me, you have tattoos, you must be a bad girl, I tell them “Africans have used tattoos for centuries essentially for the medicinal and spiritual qualities and each one of my tattoos represents a different time in my life and the changes that I made”. When someone tells me you are abusing your body by smoking and drinking and having sex, I tell them “you’re right, but I still have a lot of growing to do and right now this is how I cope with the stress and drama from my past and in my life”. When they tell me, you need to pray on it. I tell them “how do you know I haven’t already prayed on it. Yes God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO” and when they tell me, your going to Hell because you don’t know the Lord, I tell them, (sometimes nicely, sometimes not so nicely, depending on my mood) "you don’t know Who I know or how I know


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