He don't love me, so why do I love him?

We never had a "relationship". He was the one I went to when I just wanted to chill, hang out, smoke, drink. We met almost 20 yrs ago, I was 17, he was 21. I always had a a crush on him, but he was always such a jerk, I never said anything to him. He used to date one of the girls from the block I was cool with, so to me that automatically meant that he and I could never get together. At least not while they were together lol His best friend is my nephews godfather, so there's a closeness there, like a big brother, a big brother I would have a baby for 17 yrs later.

One day I ran into him while walking to the store. We had all moved off that little street that we spent our young summer days on. Breaking day, play fighting, drinking and smoking.... and we all went our seperate ways. But whenever we'd see each other it was like nothing changed. So my oldest son and I are walking to the store and cut through this back street instead of walking the long way around. It was the end of summer, sometime in August. I was wearing a tight black tank top and I believe some capris. I only remember what kind of shirt I had because the first thing he said was, "Chan! I was like damn that chick got some big ass titties, and it's just you!" lol Thats what I mean, by him being a jerk. Mind you all of his co-workers heard this, because they were all outside, watching someone ride a motorcycle. We hugged and talked for a minute, he told me that I could come chill at his job anytime, since I lived right around the corner now. We exchanged numbers and Jonathan and I went home. Every once in awhile if I was stressing or just didnt feel like staying in the house I would come thru, have a drink, chill for a minute then bounce. It was nothing. Well, one day, of course that all changed. I went to the office late on a thursday, I remember because it was my birthday. I had worked late and by the time I got home, no one wanted to go out and all of my close friends lived far away so i went to see him. I just wasnt ready to go in the house, and I knew he was at work.

We smoked, watched tv, ate, chilled and talked. at one point we were alone in the office. and things just sort of happened. I remember every detail of what that night but i wanna keep some things private dang! lol so anyway, we had crossed the line form big brother, to I dont know what you would call us lol. He drove me home, even though I only lived down the street, and he called me when he got back to the office. We went on like this for about 2 yrs. Every sunday and thursday, at some point we would "hook up" as they say. Sometimes he would sneak in my window! lol It was like we were back in high school and I loved it. It was just fun. No strings attached, no committment, we were having a ball. Well, being a woman, and I hate being a woman sometimes, I started to feel things for him. I noticed I would get nervous if he didnt answer his phone right away. I would look at his female co-workers and wonder if he was fucking them too. Mind you, I had a "boyfriend" actually 2 in the time I was dealing with him, off and on. So I really didnt have any business catchimg feelings. But I did. I told him so, and told him we need to fall back, cause thats not what i want. I was happy the way things were and my feelings didnt need to complicate anything. That lasted about 2 weeks. anyway, cut to Labor day morning and me taking a pregnancy test!!

By this time, I had broken up with my last boyfriend a few months earlier. So there was no question in my mind who's it was, besides, boyfriend never went unprotected. So I call him and leave a message. He calls me back a few hours later, not unusual for him. I tell him what happened but I inform him that I'm not at home, and we would talk later. So when I get home, he suggests an abortion because he wont be there. (he already has 2 daughters, and 1 that he thought was his, but turned out not to be) When I refuse, he dissappears and i hear from him sporadically. I call him when I'm 5-1/2 months pregnant to tell him I'm having a son. This is when he starts to turn around. Now if I was having a girl, would he have started coming around again? I don't know. But dont get your hopes up just yet. He would call and check on us, come visit, bought a few things for the baby, but he didnt come to the hospital. Not once. It's like he was ashamed of us.

I asked him numerous times if he was embarassed, ashamed, did he deny his son, does he want a DNA test? He assures me that there is no question, Justice is his child, and he just hasnt had time to spend long periods of time with him. And I dont know why I still love him. He's one of those men who dont show any emotion at all! I mean the first time he saw his son he said "good enough". thats it. The few times I pissed him off all he said was "i'll call you back" then I cant find him for a few days. He never yells, never shows any vulnerability, so its so hard to read him. at first. But its been 5 yrs since that first night, 19 yrs since we first met and I think Im finally starting to get him. sad, right? oh well.

I been in alot of crazy situations, mainly because of the low self esteem that i used to have. but i think this has to be the craziest. It's not that I cant get anyone else. It's not that he's abusive or controlling, at all. in fact he's just the opposite, he acts like he doesnt care what I do. But I dont want to be with anyone else. I want a normal, healthy relationship. Do I have to be alone in order for that to happen? maybe. I been holding on for way too long now. I know I deserve better....or do I?