This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you....

I spanked Jonathan. I rarely, rarely spank him but i think thats the problem. He is out of control right now. Aside from losing 3 (prepaid) cell phones in 3 weeks, he has been talking back, getting fresh, throwing tantrums and screaming at me. Now, I try to keep my hands off of him because I know my temper. Sometimes I really feel like just throwing him through a wall, or as I used to be told "knocking him to the middle of next week" lol but I'm always afraid that I'll hurt him. When he gets out of line, I usually yell and scream, send him to his room, then just as soon, forget that i punished him just minutes before. I swear, that's the effects of all that weed smoking lol he gets away with so much because of my bad memory! lol Well, yesterday I couldn't do it anymore. I held it in all weekend long. Now let me explain....yes, Jonathan is only 8 and, No, he doesn't necessarily need a phone but it's for security. He calls me when he is close to school and if anything happens he has a way to reach us. He lost one phone a few weeks ago, I didn't get mad, because even adults lose phones, so I ordered him another one, put minutes on it and that one was lost too. It wouldnt have been so bad, considering we both thought he lost it in the house, but i decided to check his activity online and realized that somehow he lost the phone between school and home and someone has it. I had an extra phone I turned on for him, because I refused to purchase another one. I put minutes on this phone and activated it. This was Sunday afternoon. I pick him up from school yesterday and all of his classmates coming running over to me. "Ms. Green, Jonathan lost his phone!""he left it at breakfast!""he'll be right out, Mrs. Curry is helping him find his phone." I FLIPPED!! I called his father and told him he better talk to him, cause I was done. The teacher came out and told me she'll keep an eye out for me. I grounded him until I said different. That's all I was planning on doing, just grounding, no cartoons, no video games, no toys in the tub for a few days, maybe a week. I would've yelled a little more and called it a day. Well, he was supposed to be cleaning his room and I asked him to hand me something that Justice left on his bed and Jonathan decides to throw it at me!! He lost his ever-loving rabid mind!!! Before I knew it I had him flipped over on the bed and spanked him about 4 or 5 times. I felt so bad afterward. He was in the room crying and I'm screaming, sounding like my mother, "Shut up 'fore I give you something to cry about!" thats when I started to feel horrible. My mother was a good mother, a great mother, and raised us pretty much by herself our whole lives, and I know I deserved the discipline I got, cause I was fresh. I wonder if she felt bad about the spankings she gave us? Shoot, we got hit with belts,switches and pepsi bottles, Jay just got slapped on the rear lol but honestly, I don't know what else to do.
His father doesn't discipline him, he's the fun one, I'm always the bad one, the mean one, the one who he wants to run away from, the one that gets all the drama, the hassle, the aggravation of making him do his homework neatly,of brushing his teeth properly, of cleaning his room. His father thinks I'm too tough on him, but he was a spoiled lil kid too and never had to do anything and I refuse to let Jonathan grow up like that. He needs to learn responsibility and respect. John does not help at all. I ask him to talk to his son and thats all he does. Ineffectively. Jonathan will cry, then John will buy him something. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!! Then on top of all that, everytime he gets mad he tells me that I'm a bad mother and I don't do enough for Jonathan. Bullshit! but this isn't about him right now. Jonathan is my first son, my only child for 6-1/2 yrs, my life, my heart...I love him with every fiber of my being and would probably die if he ever did really go live with his father, but.....I REFUSE TO BE AFRAID OF MY CHILD!!! And thats what is going to happen if I don't nip this in the bud right now. Pretty soon, he'll be bigger and stronger than me. If he's wildin out now, I can't imagine what he'll be like as a teenager, especially if he starts emulating his father, who has no respect for anyone, not his mother, aunt, friends, girlfriend or even the courts (another story another time). I will not be sitting on Maury talking about "I'm scared of what Jonathan will do to me!" I said it before and I'll say it again....I brought him into this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him!!