i am more than my laugh, a 40 and a blunt!

I really need to start making some changes....I can only be me, i dont know how to be anyone else. But something somebody said hit me hard. He may not have even said it to hurt me or demean me, but thats how I took it. i asked, "why is it that I cant find anyone who wants to be in a serious relationship with me?" his answer was that i give off a "party girl vibe" like if you want to have fun, call Chan. You want to drink, smoke, laugh, have a good time, call Chan. And for some odd reason, I always thought that was a good thing. Like, nobody wants to hang around a boring person all day right? And it helps in my job, im an outgoing person. for the majority of my life i have been this way. I dont know how to be different.

Maybe it started when I was young and was teased all the time for being ugly and fat. No boys would date me, so i ended up being the chick that they partied with. hung out with. told me all the problems of their girlfriends. never "the one" just "the one to party with". And i always was fine with it, so i thought. I never thought that being told I like to party would effect me so negatively.

Now im not saying that im gonna stop partying! lol far from it. Thats who I am. but damn, can a sista get some love too?? no matter how much i think like a dude, or talk like a dude, or party like one, im still a lil fat ugly girl at heart, looking for someone to fall head over heels in love with me....im just a girl!

The wave is over

I never had a boyfriend until I was 15. That lasted all of 3 months and I no one else showed any interest until I was 17, a senior in high school. About to graduate and he was friends with my cotillion escort. That summer after graduation I lost my virginity. That summer after graduation I had my heart broken.

I never felt like I was anyone's top choice. I wasn't skinny or pretty or rich. I was just me and it seemed like every guy I was with only wanted one thing from me. So the testosterone in my blood started to kick up and for a long long time I thought and acted just like a man. Anything a man could do, I would do. And dared you to call me outta me name simply because I was female. I mean i was pimping for real. There were times when I literally had dudes thinking they were my boyfriend in 3 different states. True story.

I mean don't get my wrong. I've been in love a few times. It's a wonderful feeling...in the beginning. Then my male-inclined mind reminds me of the game and I start realizing that these dudes I was in love with didn't love me back. Not the way I loved them. So I end it. Quickly. Sometimes it was so abruptly that the guys never knew why or what they did. I just disappear. See me and relationships don't get along. I'm not a fighter. Like, I'll fight in the beginning. For him, for the relationship to last, for anything. But the minute I feel like Im being played I flip.

But I'm getting older now. I have 2 kids. 2 different fathers. Never been married. And believe me, one day, one day.....someday....maybe I want to get married lol or at least have someone who truely wants to spend their life with me. Lately, I've been playing alot of games. Not to intentionally hurt anybody but I got a feeling that somebodys about to get hurt. I still don't know if I've found the right person. But I think I'm done playing. I think I'm ready to find HIM and settle down. I know!! Shut up!! Lol but it's time to start letting some people go and see who's willing to fight for me, for once.

RIP Bernice Elizabeth Braddock-Braxton 6-9-29--11-8-86

My Grandma, Bernice Elizabeth Braddock-Braxton, left this earth on Nov. 8, 1986. 5 days after my 12th birthday. I was so mad at her, not because she died, but because (and nobody has ever known this) i selfishly felt jipped. She was supposed to take my birthday shopping that day but, she decided not to. I was a little kid. I didnt really understand what was happening. I mean, yeah i knew she was gone, and i'd never talk to her or see her but where was my gift?? I felt so bad for a long time for having those initial thoughts.

.......Saturday, November 8, 1986......

I was ironing my clothes for sunday when the phone rang. I dont remember if i answered or if mommy answered, but i remember my mother making that noise....when my mom cries she sounds like shes laughing, and vice versa. So i heard that noise and I started laughing. then i realized she wasn't. I didnt know what happened but immediately I started to cry too. I remember mommy was pregnant with Harold and I was so worried about her. Next thing I know we were 20 miles away, pulling into my grandparents yard in Millbrook, NY.

I walked into the house and I guess my mother drove so fast from Poughkeepsie to the country that she beat the coroner, cause Grandma was still laying on the couch in the back room. mind you, nobody told me she was back there! lol she scared the shit outta me!! but i still remember her face, peaceful, calm, with her glasses and that pretty smile on her face. She died in her sleep. I dont know what she must have been dreaming about, but I can only imagine it must have been a great one. Maybe she saw her parents, and families and friends that she missed so much.

At some point during that night, the house became overrun with all of our family. My Uncle Ricky and his family made it up from Long Island. Uncle Swanson, Rev. Roundtree, Aunt Phyllis, Uncle Bobby....there were soooo many people in and out of the house. I remember Aunt Phyllis yelling at my grandfather cause she felt something on her leg and thought he was playing games with her. lmao see thats how my family is. no matter whats going on, somebody makes someone laugh! thats our therapy.

My grandmother and I were close. I think she was closer to my sister, (tiffani looks just like grandma) but we had a special relationship. I would always tell her first about whatever boy i liked at the particular time. or how mad my mother made me, then she would "spank" mommy so i would feel better. I was her oldest granddaughter. But I had a fresh mouth, lol so i was always in trouble. she would make me go outside and pick my own switch so she could beat me! lol hows that for child abuse? i had to pick my own weapon! lol I would steal sips of her beer and pulls off her camel cigarettes. (at one point i vowed to never smoke a cigarette...so much for that lol) one time, she wanted me to dust or clean or something and i dont remember what i said to her but she came into the living room from the kitchen and with her long nails, smacked me right across my face!! then went right back in the kitchen and lit up a cigarette! she was gangsta as hell too! kinda like a skinny madea! lol she didnt take no mess from nobody!! what i didnt know, until i got older, was that grandma was an alcoholic. I didnt know exactly what it was at the time. i thought she was just funny. I remember her hiding liquor bottles all over the house. behind, couches, and chairs, everywhere. once, my grandfather found every bottle, poured half the liqour out and filled the rest with water. I laughed like crazy when she flipped out on him. again, i didnt know better. One time, i was in the other room and grandma just fell off the dining room chair. i laughed, at first, then realized she wasnt moving and called for poppop. she had blacked out right in front of me. thats when i realized how serious it was.


The 5 of us grandkids, (harold wasnt born yet) had a singing group, we called ourselves "the braxton 5" lol you couldnt tell us nothing. we would practice for hrs our dance steps and try to get our vocals right. Tragic! lol but Grandma was always our biggest supporter. there were times when we would get so dirty outside playing that we would have to strip, outside, so she could hose us down before we came in her house. "in or out!!" thats what she would yell when we would go back and forth, slamming the screen door. She and I were in so many car accidents, because before all the seat belt and child restraint and dwi laws, grandma would drive drunk, with us in the car. nobody really remembers all of this but me. and its sad, cuz i cant really reminisce about her. oh! except when my cousin Tami decided to get us chased by a bull! lol i never saw grandma drive so fast! lmao


I have a million stories i can share about my grandma! I can literally go on for days. The 12 short years i knew her were the best years of my life. I could go to her for any and everything and even when i would get chastised she still hugged me and told me she loved me. its been 24 yrs since i last touched her. its been 24 yrs since i walked into that back room and saw her lying on the couch. 24 yrs since she found her peace. 24 yrs since i was mad at her. But i think shes getting back at me because every year around my birthday i get that "smoker's cough" that she had. lol maybe that's my birthday present!! lol i hear u grandma!!!

Long time no see

WoW!! I haven"t been on here all summer...I dont know why, I wasn't busy lol but lets see, what's happened???

Well, I lost a total of 16 lbs since I started my diet back in June. And have managed to keep it off!!! That's the part I'm most proud of. What else?

I'm single now! like completely 100% single! I just couldnt keep going in circles (yes, I did just reference Jazmine sullivans song lol). I need to make myself happy and stop worrying about how everyone else feels. I was living for this guy for years and he never wanted to get serious. so i seriously left. now im just enjoying life, back on my pimp status lmao I cant even tell yall whats going on, cuz i dont rock like that. but the people who are closest to me, they know what it is and they still love me! <3

the boys are doing well, still driving me insane. Jonathan entered 3rd grade and Justice is still home with me part time when im not working.

other than that, nothing really major...or maybe i just cant say lol either way, thats it for now.

i'll be back soon!

peace!

Save my Butt!!

Ok, so I finally committed to a diet...if you know me, you know thats a big deal. Now that I have come to finally love my body in allllllllll of its glory lol it took alot for me to admit that i could be healthier. I am not trying to be skinny, in any form of the word, but I do want to live to see my grandkids and greatgrands.

Now, I love my curves, except for maybe one lol but Its my weight that bothers me. And I know muscle weighs more than fat and Im built differently than other women in my weight range, but it really bothers me when someone who, I know is bigger than me physically, says that they weigh 30 sometimes 50 lbs less than I do!!

Granted they may be lying, lol but it irks my nerves. I am not ashamed to say I weigh over 200 lobs, its obvious.But there was a time when I was under that number that so many women fear. I didnt have the curves I have now, my breasts were smaller, my butt was flatter, but I had a relatively flat stomach, muscular legs, and muscle butt lol Now the goal is to get back under 200 or at least be able to wave to it lol and still keep my butt and boobs....hmmmmmm!!

Well, the youth ministry at the church has challenged the adults to a biggest loser style challenge. The challenge started on memorial day weekend and will last until labor day weekend. I've already lost 6 lbs, (even though I gained 2 back somewhere along the line) Im starting to walk more again. I drink hot lemon water all day, green tea and sweet tea as a treat. I cut way back on the red meat, juice and soda. Including Pepsi!!! thats is the hardest thing to give up for me. I have been in such a funk, had attitudes that were unbelieveable and so wound up that i scared myself! lol but its all for a good cause, hopefully.

If nothing else, if i dont lose anymore than these 6 (i mean 4) lbs, I know that i have the will power that ive never had before. and that will make it all worth it...

Ill try to keep you guys updated with my progress.....when im not throwing kids around :D

Peace!

I am the dot, dot, dot (from lala's blog)

one of my oldest friends shared this with me the other day and I havent stopped thinking about it since. Unfortunately this is the story of my life.....it may be your story too, so dont judge! But I wanted to share this. The sista who wrote it has a blog listed (http://blogs.brokenstyle.com/lala/) so check out her other stuff too, (dont forget to check me out too!! http://divadlux.blogspot.com/) enjoy!



i am the dot, dot, dot

the eternal placeholder

the lips you run to when hers aren’t close enough
the dotted line after the colon

the friend.

i am where there riverbed ends

the surrogate

the almost doesn’t count
the better luck next time

the fool
(everybody plays me)

the tool
(everybody use me)

the stool
(everybody stand on me)

to get high enough to reach someone else’s expectations

the runner up
- just in case she isn’t competent enough to keep her position

the fall back
the could’ve been
the maybe.

i am the two and a possible

the sidekick
the buddy
the sister

i am the shoulda’ coulda’ woulda’
…but missed it

i am the table for one
the last nite really was fun

i am the money on the nightstand

the bird in the other hand

the secret
longing to be told

the lust,
and never the love

the afterthought.

i am the corner of your heart
wishing i was part of your life

i am the girlfriend
…and not the wife

the fool
(everybody plays me)

the tool
(everybody use me)

the stool
(everybody stand on me)

to get high enough to reach someone else’s expectation

- waiting for someone to meet mine.

lala (c)2009 lalalounge.net

Respect me!

Why should I care how u feel? Do you care about how I feel? Do you worry if what you just said hurt me? Or what you just did, how it's effecting me? Or do you think ignoring me is ok? What if I was dying? What if something happened to your son, again? And you just don't feel like answering. How about just once when I ask a question that you fucking answer my emails? It's really not that hard. Or what if next time you have a party or event or baby being born or somebody die or go to the hospital or sell something I don't support you, I won't be there cuz u don't support me!

It may seem from the outside that I get respect, that people care how I feel. But it's not true.iT's mostly my fault. I had such low low self esteem that I let people walk all over me for years. Keeping all my emotions inside until I exploded and hurt somebody or broke something. Contributing to my heart condition and my cigarette and alcohol addictions. From my kids, their fathers, my mother, my job, my family and friends, I can probably count on one hand the people who actually respect me.

The kids are probably just being kids. I know that. But sometimes it gets so bad that I just cry cause they won't listen to me and I have no help. I don't let them see me cry of course but I have a terrible temper and I know if I touch them I'll hurt them. Their fathers? Fuhgettaboutit!!! One is so hell bent on making my life miserable that he goes out of his way to disrespect me. The other one is a natural jerkoff and doesn't realize what he does until I tell him.
My mother has been hurt so much that she turns her emotions off. I've literally come to her and told her I was depressed and wanted to end it all and she told me to "get over it". I've never heard her say she loves me or is proud of me. It may be true but I'm an emotional person and I need to hear it.
At work, people seem to think I'm still an assistant, even though I've been there for 5-1/2 yrs and a stylist for way over 4 yrs.
I have friends and family, probably you, who only are available when they need me. I can send emails and texts all day about reunions and get togethers and party invitations and I get no response. But as soon as they have something they need me to support all of a sudden aol is working and verizons towers are clear.

I'm so afraid of confrontation that I don't say anything when I feel disrespected. I don't know how to communicate. In my house growing up we didn't talk, we fought. So I think if I say something in gonna have to fight. Verbally or physically and I don't want to go there just cause I feel slighted. If i wait until i calm down enough to talk without getting excited, either i forget what pissed me off in the first place or i feel like its a waste of time to say something. Like I said, I know it's my fault. But what can I do? Either start speaking up or be a bitch or blog lmao so we'll see.


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I bet if I don't do it, you'll realize how much I do

Somebody told me today "I'm sorry about what you're going through" because I told him that he doesn't appreciate what i've done for him. WTH? It ain't about me going through anything. The troubles I'm having now are mainly financial. Which means yes I am vexed over it but eventually it will subside, even for a day or two. But being neglected, looked over, unappreciated, unnoticed, that will never subside.

I don't know why I expect any different. I clean the house just to have toys strewn all over in a matter of minutes. I reunite family and they have entire relationships without even acknowledging my efforts. I go out of my way to get to work early, staying there thru all the ups and downs, clean up other peoples leftover mess, be nice to co workers and customers I don't like just for someone else to get praised for it.

Yeah I know I sound selfish and egocentric but so what. It would be nice just once in awhile to be acknowledged for my work. But the minute I stop doing it, then they'll notice. I know you probably go thru this too, it's not just me. So everybody all together, say it with me ..... "WOOOOOOSAAAAAAHH!!"


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Sink or swim

I feel like im sinking. Like the waves are crashing over my head and everytime i come up for air another tide comes in and pushes me backwards. Have you ever tried to run in an ocean? You try to jump over the waves but you can never get high enough. You try to swim back to shore but youre not fast enough. You try to brace yourself and stand against the force of the water but it hurts so bad when it crashes into you. Finally you just give up and give in. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, say your prayers and just let it take you under.

I need to get some shit off my chest, but I'm not ready just yet. I know keeping it bottled up isn't good for me. But if I write it or say it out loud right now I might lose it! All I know is that going through all of this without any cigarettes, without any liquor, without anyone to talk to is driving me nuts. Somethings gotta give, like now.

I so much hate the struggle. It's like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. I can't be happy. I can't succeed. I am really trying my best to be a good mother, a good employee, a good businesswoman, a good daughter, sister, a good sometime part time homey lover friend. And nothing is appreciated.

I don't know. I'm praying everything will work out. I have faith that one day my ship will finally come in. That one day i will just let the tide carry me where im supposed to be. I'm just glad I know how to tread water.

You Mother......!! Happy Mother's Day!

This letter goes out to all the "moms" in my life. Yes, Theresa Green gave birth to me, and she will forever be my one and only "Mommy" But each of you have touched my lives in watching you raise your children and the effects you have had on my life. A hallmark card couldn't express my sentiments the right way. So I took the time to sit down and write out my feelings for each of you. Tomorrow is never promised and it's a shame that we wait until once a year to show our Moms that we love them. Some people don't have the priviledge of celebrating this day with their moms, so I am taking a moment to say thank you, I appreciate you as a Mom, an Aunt, a friend, a sister, a cousin, a woman....



It doesn't take giving birth for you to be a mom.

It's being there when your baby is sick with the flu.

It's saying "No", even though its breaking your heart.

It's spending your last dime to make sure your daughter enjoys her Prom & Cotillion.

It's almost going to jail for jumping on your son's girlfriend.

It's sneaking your baby ice cream after Daddy told her "NO."

It's praying for them in the hospital when the doctors have given up.

It's threatening your kids to go to church before you "knock them into next week"

It's sheilding your kids from all hurt, harm and danger.

It's cleaning up poop, pee, throw up, messy rooms, broken crayons, fussing and laughing at the same time.

It's spending hundreds of dollars on transformers, playstations, bakugans and superhero capes, just to find them tossed to the side the next week.

It's letting her color her hair orange and fall out so she'll learn, then take her to buy a fierce wig.

It's making them re-do their homework when it's sloppy.

It's complaining about his wife but still letting her help cook Thanksgiving dinner.

It's laying in bed with your grown child as they go through a divorce.

It's recognizing that she has your dad's smile or he has your mom's attitude.

It's wrestling with your son, because his Dad isn't there.

It's supporting his wild rap career even though you dont understand a word he's saying.

It's sharing stories of how your grandma would taught you how to knit.

It's driving from NJ to NY to see your dying father every weekend but making sure your kids went to school everyday.

It's taking him fishing, even though you're afraid of worms.

It's volunteering your kids, without asking them first.

It's teaching your daughter how to love herself.

It's teaching your son how to treat women.

It's allowing your 3 yr old to do her own hair for school.

It's being utterly embarrased but never being ashamed of them.

It's loving your kids unconditionally, even when they steal and crash your car.

It's being in the delivery room when your grandchild was born.

It's crying with your granddaughter when her boyfriend leaves.

It's losing your voice at your grandson's baseball game because you're his favorite cheerleader.

It's taking your niece on a shopping trip when her Mother can't go.

It's sending your nephew a care package in college when the food is disgusting.

It's raising your siblings cause your parents weren't there.

It's getting a call from school telling you your baby is on the dean's list.

It's bailing them out of jail when you should've left them there.

It's watching Princess and the Frog 30 times a week, then actually singing the songs.

It's paying for cleats and uniforms when you the lights are scheduled to be shut off.

It's swallowing your pride and letting your daughter tell you how she feels.

It's getting a second or third job to put your baby through school.

It's being there when the BFF's and homies aren't around.

It's beating them until your tired.

It's hugging them until they can't breathe.

It's loving.




Thank you for all that you have done. Thank you for all that you will do.

Just wanted to let you know that your work was not unnoticed.

If no one else tells you, you are appreciated!

Happy Mother's Day!!



Love,

Chan, Jonathan & Justice

Daddy's Girl

I'm sitting here thinking how different my life wouldve been had I just did one wrong thing when I was younger. I definitely had the propensity to be a gun toting thug. Or a junkie. Either way.

Growing up in Eastman wasn't the best time for me. My mother worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. She kept us active in church so we wouldn't get into trouble. When my father wasn't in jail he would be home on "disability". I have never met a jamaican who wouldn't keep a job lol.

While he would be home he'd be getting high, right in front of us. And telling me i was fat, ugly and lazy and i was just like my mother. I knew he hated my mother, so if i was just like her, then he hated me too right? But i would do anything for my father, because i am his oldest child and thats my job. To help mommy and daddy.



There were times when someone I went to school with would be at the door, not for me, but because they sold drugs for my father. On top of all this he had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. There were so many times I had to run to a neighbors house and call the cops. Scared to death that he would not catch me. Or worse that someone wouldn't talk about it at school. One time after my mother got off the bus to work a kid sitting across from me said "her husband beat the shit outta her last night". I'll never forget that.

By the time I was 9 I could tell the difference between a "dime" and a "nick". If I ask my 8 yr old for a dime he'll go in his pocket and hand me a dime. By 10 I knew how to cook up. And had seen a prisoner get a blow job during one of our visits to see daddy. By 12 I was carrying guns for my father. He'd say, if the DT's stopped and searched him they wouldn't find anything on him. He taught me how to steal, how to fight with weapons....not ur typical father daughter relationship. But I loved him anyway, I still do. Regardless of what he did, who he was, he's my daddy.

Throughout my life I've done some terrible things. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough to be a drug dealers girlfriend. So I did for myself. I was young and stupid, part of me proving to daddy and every other man that i was just strong and tough as they were. Partly just rebelling against my mother but Mainly because I'm obsessed with the lifestyle my father led, even though I know the outcome. I know daddy's story, I've watched carlito's way, and American Gangster so many Times I know it by heart. I can watch for hours on end movies about gangsters and the mafia. And don't let there be a woman running things!! When I saw La Bella Mafia you couldn't tell me nothing!! Lol Maybe because I always wondered, what if....would i have been successful? Not if, but how long would i have been locked up? When would i have died? all it would take is one wrong turn.

I haven't seen my father since 1989. His actions got him deported and yes I do miss him. Despite the fits of rage, the drugs, the affairs, the prison time away from us I still remember the good times we had. How happy I was when we came home and he was sitting there after coming home from jail. I still write to him and hopefully I'll go visit him soon. But I thank God for my mother and her parents who kept us from making that one wrong move. I can't speak for my brother or sister but as for myself, growing up in that enviroment, with those circumstances and my mentality it seriously couldve gone in an entirely different direction.

So many people glamorize the lifestyle of a hustler that if you are weak you will fall prey to it. But you have to remember that every gangster movie has a terrible ending. Scarface dies, Frank Lucas is broke, Guy Fisher is in jail for life. No good comes of it.

Gangster movies will probably still be one of my favorite genres but now that I'm older I won't look to them for inspiration but entertainment only. And I can teach my kids better than daddy taught me. Cuz when you know better you do better.


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Fundraising

I've been so busy getting this business going and coming up with all these fundraising ideas that I completely forgot about blogging. Lol things seem to be looking up for the summer though. I had a lil set back but hopefully it will turn around soon. I have my first jewelry party on June 5th and it's a charity event. 50% of the proceeds will go to the youth ministry at Christ Ressurection Missionary Baptist Church of East Orange, NJ so that's a good move. Then we're also doing a biggest loser challenge where each person pledges a dollar for every pound they lose in a 15 week period. We also have the basketball game coming up. So the kids will make out ok. Too bad the family won't work as hard as the kids. We are supposed to be having a family reunion next year, yet no one has step forward to help except a few people. But I am tired of being the only one to initiate everything. But that's another blog for another day. Lol. I'm excited about working with the kids, even though I don't like them. Lol

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Moonlight Motif

When I was young I always wanted the latest in fashion jewelry but my mother couldn't afford it. I was left to admire and covet all of my friends pieces. I would borrow my grandmothers vintage pearl necklaces and pins. I'd use my mothers costume jewelry. I'd learn tricks on how to preserve my gold plated chains, fix broken chains and transform them into bracelets and anklets. As I grew older was able to purchase my own jewelry I realized how much I love it. The smile that comes across your face when you buy your first 14k gold piece all by yourself. The pride you take in a bracelet or chain, so much that you pass it down to your children. Jewelry can change your whole outlook and perspective. It can cheer you up when your feeling down, it can conjer memories of a time past, it can get you out of the doghouse with your spouse or mother lol it's amazing!

One day a light bulb went on in my head and I decided to sell what I love at prices everyone can afford. That's why I have pieces that start as low as $1!!




Moonlight Motif was started for the little girl who wants to spend her babysitting money on something special just for her. For the single mother who wants to have the best for herself and her kids but can't afford to spend hundreds of dollars. For the college boy who wants to show his girlfriend he's serious but has to pay tuition before he can buy the big ring.

Moonlight Motif has the best in costume, vintage and replica jewelry. With everything from children's cartoon rings to high end replicas that are mirror images of their authentic counterparts at a fraction of the price. There's something here for everyone. We even have build-it-yourself pandora style bracelets to fit your specific interests. We are an online store but we offer jewelry parties to local customers and always welcome any special requests. Don't see a particular bangle or brooch? Let us know. We will search the globe (well the worldwide web and local stores) and find it for you. We'll even ship to you at no additional cost on all orders totaling over $10!! All replica jewelry comes with a beautiful gift box.

We strive to provide the best in customer support and to ensure your happiness. You are why we are here and without you, we would not be.


This is Moonlight Motif.......wherein lies romance, beauty & fashion


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Dear Bean....

I was in Newark thinking about you today. I can't belive it's been 17 yrs since you've gone! I remember the day ma called me at work and said "bean's gone." it's like my world crashed. I couldn't believe it. Only a kid, hard headed and stubborn. I was so mad at you, why didn't you just listen? I can't even imagine how ur moms felt, having to go thru ur stuff afterwards. I went to the wake but I couldn't take it. I stayed home the day of the funeral getting fucked up. Just remembering you. Being chased by geese lmao member that? Remember when were playing outside and somebody called the cops cuz they thought you were a grown ass man chasing some girls down the street? Lmao yo remember that dude I was messing with that you told me was cheating? You told me I could do better, I shoulda listened to you. Remember you used to always have that pacifier around your neck? Lol bugging! So many memories... I miss you so much! Sometimes I still wanna pick up the phone and call you, then I put it down and start crying cuz u not here. But I know you watching over us. Kevin's a grown man now with his own family. The first time I saw his son I smiled cuz your nephew looks just like you. I know if you were here so much stuff woulda never happened to me. But u went home and I tripped, started doing shit I had no business doing. No one ever replaced you. No one ever will. I just had to write you this letter, for no particular reason, except I miss you. My brother, my cousin, my friend. I love you Bean!


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Moonlight Motif ~ wherein lies Romance, Beauty & Fashion

wow! its been a while since i been on here huh? i've been so busy trying to work on this next business adventure. yup, i'm bout to get rich or die trying lol i'll be selling jewelry online and possibly at flea markets, if i can get my inventory up by summer. if not, i'll just post some stuff on ebay or maybe get a website started. i dont know, ill see. I got my first order of glass beads in the mail today! i think im gonna wait for the bracelets and necklaces to come before i get all excited. lol thats too late anyway, i ordered my business cards today! i'm going to call the "store" Moonlight Motif. sounds good right? My name, Chandrika, is hindi for "girl with a face that shines like the moon" so thats how i got the idea. I hope it pans out tho. I'm always trying new things to make money and end up not doing much, but maybe since i already put money out for this, i'll be more into it. *crossing fingers* besides, i love jewelry, i love feeling special and beautiful and i think thats what these pieces will do for my clients. You can personalize the bracelets for whatever your interests are, i.e. my personal bracelet is going to have a blow dryer and scissors since my day job is a beautician. the one i have for my mother has a domestic violence awareness charm, since she's a counsellor. get it?lol i cant wait!! in the meantime, im still working on the family reunion stuff. Building a website, gfot all the financial stuff taken care of, including a seperate ebay account for fundraisers! im pretty good huh? i know i know lol well as you can see im pretty busy these days, and i still have to chase behind the children of the corn! lmao but ill holla soon. peace!!

He don't love me, so why do I love him?

We never had a "relationship". He was the one I went to when I just wanted to chill, hang out, smoke, drink. We met almost 20 yrs ago, I was 17, he was 21. I always had a a crush on him, but he was always such a jerk, I never said anything to him. He used to date one of the girls from the block I was cool with, so to me that automatically meant that he and I could never get together. At least not while they were together lol His best friend is my nephews godfather, so there's a closeness there, like a big brother, a big brother I would have a baby for 17 yrs later.

One day I ran into him while walking to the store. We had all moved off that little street that we spent our young summer days on. Breaking day, play fighting, drinking and smoking.... and we all went our seperate ways. But whenever we'd see each other it was like nothing changed. So my oldest son and I are walking to the store and cut through this back street instead of walking the long way around. It was the end of summer, sometime in August. I was wearing a tight black tank top and I believe some capris. I only remember what kind of shirt I had because the first thing he said was, "Chan! I was like damn that chick got some big ass titties, and it's just you!" lol Thats what I mean, by him being a jerk. Mind you all of his co-workers heard this, because they were all outside, watching someone ride a motorcycle. We hugged and talked for a minute, he told me that I could come chill at his job anytime, since I lived right around the corner now. We exchanged numbers and Jonathan and I went home. Every once in awhile if I was stressing or just didnt feel like staying in the house I would come thru, have a drink, chill for a minute then bounce. It was nothing. Well, one day, of course that all changed. I went to the office late on a thursday, I remember because it was my birthday. I had worked late and by the time I got home, no one wanted to go out and all of my close friends lived far away so i went to see him. I just wasnt ready to go in the house, and I knew he was at work.

We smoked, watched tv, ate, chilled and talked. at one point we were alone in the office. and things just sort of happened. I remember every detail of what that night but i wanna keep some things private dang! lol so anyway, we had crossed the line form big brother, to I dont know what you would call us lol. He drove me home, even though I only lived down the street, and he called me when he got back to the office. We went on like this for about 2 yrs. Every sunday and thursday, at some point we would "hook up" as they say. Sometimes he would sneak in my window! lol It was like we were back in high school and I loved it. It was just fun. No strings attached, no committment, we were having a ball. Well, being a woman, and I hate being a woman sometimes, I started to feel things for him. I noticed I would get nervous if he didnt answer his phone right away. I would look at his female co-workers and wonder if he was fucking them too. Mind you, I had a "boyfriend" actually 2 in the time I was dealing with him, off and on. So I really didnt have any business catchimg feelings. But I did. I told him so, and told him we need to fall back, cause thats not what i want. I was happy the way things were and my feelings didnt need to complicate anything. That lasted about 2 weeks. anyway, cut to Labor day morning and me taking a pregnancy test!!

By this time, I had broken up with my last boyfriend a few months earlier. So there was no question in my mind who's it was, besides, boyfriend never went unprotected. So I call him and leave a message. He calls me back a few hours later, not unusual for him. I tell him what happened but I inform him that I'm not at home, and we would talk later. So when I get home, he suggests an abortion because he wont be there. (he already has 2 daughters, and 1 that he thought was his, but turned out not to be) When I refuse, he dissappears and i hear from him sporadically. I call him when I'm 5-1/2 months pregnant to tell him I'm having a son. This is when he starts to turn around. Now if I was having a girl, would he have started coming around again? I don't know. But dont get your hopes up just yet. He would call and check on us, come visit, bought a few things for the baby, but he didnt come to the hospital. Not once. It's like he was ashamed of us.

I asked him numerous times if he was embarassed, ashamed, did he deny his son, does he want a DNA test? He assures me that there is no question, Justice is his child, and he just hasnt had time to spend long periods of time with him. And I dont know why I still love him. He's one of those men who dont show any emotion at all! I mean the first time he saw his son he said "good enough". thats it. The few times I pissed him off all he said was "i'll call you back" then I cant find him for a few days. He never yells, never shows any vulnerability, so its so hard to read him. at first. But its been 5 yrs since that first night, 19 yrs since we first met and I think Im finally starting to get him. sad, right? oh well.

I been in alot of crazy situations, mainly because of the low self esteem that i used to have. but i think this has to be the craziest. It's not that I cant get anyone else. It's not that he's abusive or controlling, at all. in fact he's just the opposite, he acts like he doesnt care what I do. But I dont want to be with anyone else. I want a normal, healthy relationship. Do I have to be alone in order for that to happen? maybe. I been holding on for way too long now. I know I deserve better....or do I?

Family Ties

I quit! I really cannot do the drama this year! I HELPED to organize a joint family reunion for both of my grandparents families last year. The turn out was wonderful and I am so glad that I was able to experience it. I met family I never knew BUT all the drama that came with it was ridiculous!! I cant even get into the details of who did this and who said that, only because no matter what I am still respectful, especially to my family. But like I said, it was a JOINT reunion, meaning more than one core family, but they are all MY family. when my grandparents married, they had 2 children, who each had 3 children, that's where I come in. This reunion was for us. the Braxton-Braddock grandchildren. All of us don't know all of our family. Actually, I am the only one who knows who is who and how were realted. And that's only because I'm nosey and the oldest grandchild to spend time with my grandparents. (I have one cousin older than me, but he and his sisters didn't spend as much time with Poppop and Grandma as my sister and I did. My brother never met my grandmother and was only 4 when Poppop died). So, anyway, this reunion was for us to know our family, both sides. We are from the lines of Braxton, Morton, Braddock, Coleman, Jeffress, Palmer and Hill! This doesn't even count my father's side, or my aunt's side. There are 6 of us Grandkids, and 8 great-grands. Out of all of us, only one is still named Braxton. Yet, one of the issues with quite a few family was that their name wasn't on the t-shirts. Remember, only one of us is still a Braxton and it was our reunion....there weren't any Greens, Strohmans, Elliots, Wilsons, Marrs or Sandidges on the shirt either.

Now one side, the Braxtons, Mortons, COlemans and Jeffress' are SUPPOSED to be having a reunion next year in Ocean City, MD but nobody wants to help. I have sent out emails, facebook messages, tweets, myspace bulletins.....nothing. Only 2 people volunteered to help and thats not even close to enough. But when the time comes for the reunion, everyones gonna be looking at me, like, "Chan when is it? How much? Why? Who?" and all im gonna say is...."I asked for help." And the worst part is, apparently im not even a Braxton! (According to some family) Lmaooooo this drama is way too much for me. I'm gonna take my one cousins advice and just us Braxton-Braddock grandkids have our own small reunion. And let everyone fend for themselves!
I mean seriously, I am busy too. I have other things going on my life. I dont get paid for any of the organizing that I have to do, and neither did anybody else whoever put on our reunions. But it's not their time anymore. This is the time for my generation to step up and help out. But i think its my generation who doesnt care, because most of us didnt grow up together. Our parents moved out of Poughkeepsie and Millbrook and we were raised in Jersey, Long Island, Down South, Out West. We dont know each other. So why do all this traveling to meet people that you didnt even know existed. I get it. But if they just think about how good a time we all had the reunion, how we all hung out after, found each other on facebook and kept in touch....why not?

I dunno. All I know is, I love my family to death, anybody can tell you that. And no matter how much bitching and moaning I do, I know Im not gonna let the reunion fall by the wayside. I may complain the entire time, but come next summer Ill be the first one on the bus partying and making sure everybodys happy....sigh.....I love my dysfunctional family!

This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you....

I spanked Jonathan. I rarely, rarely spank him but i think thats the problem. He is out of control right now. Aside from losing 3 (prepaid) cell phones in 3 weeks, he has been talking back, getting fresh, throwing tantrums and screaming at me. Now, I try to keep my hands off of him because I know my temper. Sometimes I really feel like just throwing him through a wall, or as I used to be told "knocking him to the middle of next week" lol but I'm always afraid that I'll hurt him. When he gets out of line, I usually yell and scream, send him to his room, then just as soon, forget that i punished him just minutes before. I swear, that's the effects of all that weed smoking lol he gets away with so much because of my bad memory! lol Well, yesterday I couldn't do it anymore. I held it in all weekend long. Now let me explain....yes, Jonathan is only 8 and, No, he doesn't necessarily need a phone but it's for security. He calls me when he is close to school and if anything happens he has a way to reach us. He lost one phone a few weeks ago, I didn't get mad, because even adults lose phones, so I ordered him another one, put minutes on it and that one was lost too. It wouldnt have been so bad, considering we both thought he lost it in the house, but i decided to check his activity online and realized that somehow he lost the phone between school and home and someone has it. I had an extra phone I turned on for him, because I refused to purchase another one. I put minutes on this phone and activated it. This was Sunday afternoon. I pick him up from school yesterday and all of his classmates coming running over to me. "Ms. Green, Jonathan lost his phone!""he left it at breakfast!""he'll be right out, Mrs. Curry is helping him find his phone." I FLIPPED!! I called his father and told him he better talk to him, cause I was done. The teacher came out and told me she'll keep an eye out for me. I grounded him until I said different. That's all I was planning on doing, just grounding, no cartoons, no video games, no toys in the tub for a few days, maybe a week. I would've yelled a little more and called it a day. Well, he was supposed to be cleaning his room and I asked him to hand me something that Justice left on his bed and Jonathan decides to throw it at me!! He lost his ever-loving rabid mind!!! Before I knew it I had him flipped over on the bed and spanked him about 4 or 5 times. I felt so bad afterward. He was in the room crying and I'm screaming, sounding like my mother, "Shut up 'fore I give you something to cry about!" thats when I started to feel horrible. My mother was a good mother, a great mother, and raised us pretty much by herself our whole lives, and I know I deserved the discipline I got, cause I was fresh. I wonder if she felt bad about the spankings she gave us? Shoot, we got hit with belts,switches and pepsi bottles, Jay just got slapped on the rear lol but honestly, I don't know what else to do.
His father doesn't discipline him, he's the fun one, I'm always the bad one, the mean one, the one who he wants to run away from, the one that gets all the drama, the hassle, the aggravation of making him do his homework neatly,of brushing his teeth properly, of cleaning his room. His father thinks I'm too tough on him, but he was a spoiled lil kid too and never had to do anything and I refuse to let Jonathan grow up like that. He needs to learn responsibility and respect. John does not help at all. I ask him to talk to his son and thats all he does. Ineffectively. Jonathan will cry, then John will buy him something. UUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!! Then on top of all that, everytime he gets mad he tells me that I'm a bad mother and I don't do enough for Jonathan. Bullshit! but this isn't about him right now. Jonathan is my first son, my only child for 6-1/2 yrs, my life, my heart...I love him with every fiber of my being and would probably die if he ever did really go live with his father, but.....I REFUSE TO BE AFRAID OF MY CHILD!!! And thats what is going to happen if I don't nip this in the bud right now. Pretty soon, he'll be bigger and stronger than me. If he's wildin out now, I can't imagine what he'll be like as a teenager, especially if he starts emulating his father, who has no respect for anyone, not his mother, aunt, friends, girlfriend or even the courts (another story another time). I will not be sitting on Maury talking about "I'm scared of what Jonathan will do to me!" I said it before and I'll say it again....I brought him into this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him!!

In the middle of the night

Ok so it's 3am and I'm up. Now what? Lol I went on facebook, just a bunch of party invitations, YouTube uploads and mafia requests. I called Justice's father. He's not answering, so now my mind is buggin off that. Don't feel like twittering. Nothing I wanna watch on tv.... So I blog! Lmao I wasn't feeling well earlier so I took some theraflu and was knocked out by 8:30pm. My poor kids never heard me curse so much, but I was sick and they wouldn't listen. Ugh! I did finally go get my nails done though. $60!!!! Outrageous! But I decided to pamper myself for once and get the gel set instead of acrylics. I'm very happy with it too, which in and of itself Is a miracle lol. Ok, I feel the sandman coming.....I'll holla


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Ipod touch, water-death, maybe, maybe not

I almost killed him! i swear, i did. My 21 month old, who usually plays with the apps and games on the touch, somehow got into the bathroom and decided to give the "toy" a bath. he handed it to me, soaking wet and said "uh oh". I couldnt even scream at him at that moment. I just took the thing, told him to get away from me, to sit down and put his hands in his pockets and dont talk to me. (he motioned to me that he didnt have any pants on, so no pockets) i dried the ipod off and quickly searched for what to do if the ipod got wet. man, these people are complete idiots! aside from washing their ipods/iphones with their clothes, which i guess COULD happen, i saw posts of dropping them in puddles, getting caught in the rain, normal stuff. but c'mon the hell on, who goes swimming with the damn thing in their pocket? one person posted that he put an ice cube in his pocket!! that had to be a lie, but regardless, their solutions to the problem range from trying to defraud Apple, Inc. with various methods, including bleach, to charging the ipod for a few days....um, hello, wet electronics and an outlet dont mix. the most sensible one i heard was actually from someone who claimed to be a former AT&T manager. He suggested just placing in the gadget in dry rice, non-instant oatmeal or silicone gel for 2 days, then letting it air dry for another day. so that's what i'm doing right now. Hopefully, this works. I knew that I loved my ipod but I didnt realize how much I depended on it. I do absolutely everything on there. My notes for Sunday School lessons, my finances, my datebook, my clients' schedules....everything. and on top of that i just bought a clock radio to hook up to the ipod and new Apple earphones ($30 each!) As for Justice, he got a pop on his hand for playing with the xbox and scolding. I know he's just a baby, but dont nobody have money to be replacing shit all the time! he already threw my phone in a glass of water a few months ago. i'm crossing my fingers that this oatmeal trick works...but just in case i'll be checking ebay for another one.


Cut to the next day.......



So last night I took the iPod out of the oatmeal and wiped it off. I turned it on and yay! The apple logo appeared, it started up fine! No frozen screens or sensitivity issues, no problems with wifi or the music! I'm souped!!! Matter of fact i'm updating this blog from the iPod right now! Now if I can just keep Justice from playing with the tv.....

Stuck in the house

today was the biggest snow storm of the year, granted, its on february 10th lol but regardless.... so there was no school, no work, everybody was home. Justice was beyond his normal hyper self because he was trying to keep up with Jonathan all day. he finally conked out about 7pm. Jonathan was actually pretty good, but only because his new tv is coming and I told him if he didnt behave I'd throw the thing in the closet and he'll never see it. does that make me a mean person? who cares? lol. No school tomorrow either cuz of the snow, then he's out Friday, Monday and Tuesday! I need a drink! Lol

Inconsiderate, overly sensitive, disrespectful jackass!

Jonathan's father is a jackass!! Plain and simple. First of all, Jonathan had an eye dr appointment on Wednesday. That had to be changed cuz he conveniently was running late. So i moved it til Sunday. John knew this. All of a sudden he wanted to take jay to get a toy. Fine. I asked him to either pick him up before church ended or right after cuz we had to take to bus to the eye doctor. He was fine with that, until it was time to get him, then he was literally screaming that it wasn't necessary for jay to get his eyes checked. Mind u he came to get him 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave and also mind u, he went out of his way to go to another toy store when toys r us is right next door to the Eye dr! Now he owes me money for Jonathan and is bullshitting, trying not to give it to me, like I'm going to kiss his ass for it. Never have, never will. So he tells me "I hope u fucking die, I hate ur ass!" I hope he finds a place to live when I do so he can finally be a parent! Jackass!!!!!


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Justice Michael Anthony (repost)

On Labor day of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. Shock is not even the word to describe how I felt. On top of not expecting to have another child I had to deal with his father. he did not ever want to have anymore kids, obviously we both dropped the ball (so to speak) lmao

We argued back and forth for a few weeks before the descision was made to raise this baby. At 6 wks I went for the regular Ultrasound to make sure he was ok. The doctor told me there was definitely something in there and said she would check again in 2 weeks.
I thought at the time that was strange, they usually check every 4 weeks, but i was just so happy to be pregnant I didnt pay it much mind. One day within that week I had to call the office with some insurance information. the covering doctor gets on the phone and tells me in these words "Ms. Green, you may have miscarried, you have what is called a blighted ovum and we need you to come in. we may possibly have to do a D&C" (thats where they scrape out the rest of the baby that was attached to your womb

) sorry to be graphic but thats how hard it hit me....I was downtown Newark, by myself and I just started crying on the street. I know people must've thought I was nuts! I called my sister, emailed my cousin and told my mother. I cried for 3 days straight. I prayed and prayed to please let my baby be alright. I promised the Lord that if my baby was healthy I would return him to Him.

When I went back to the dr. my original doctor was so upset at the covering doctor. she said that she didnt say anything to me because it would cause unneccessary worry. she said "Ms. Green, i see the heart. your baby is fine. sometimes they're just too little in the beginning to see" I cried again, happy tears this time.

The pregnancy went well, I was sick everyday for 7-1/2 months. at 5 months, my little brother took me to find out the sex of the baby. actually because of the complications i had with jonathan the dr's wanted to double check for any birth disorders and if i would get an amnio.

well, harold picked me up, 2 hrs late (ugh!) and they were able to squeeze me in. Harold was the first to find out I was having a boy! (actually i knew 2 days before at the dr's office). He was so happy.

So time goes on and its time for Justice to come into the world. My c-section was scheduled for April 25. 2008 at 10am.

this was the day of the Sean Bell shooting trial, the cops were acquitted. My doctor asked me if I came up with a name yet, I told her Justice, she said good, at least someone will get Justice today.

My sister was in the delivery room with me, shaking and nervous the whole time lmao she was the first one to hold him. And of course you know what my first words to him were, "Welcome to the world Mookie, I fight kids!" I swear! lmao


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My spiritual journey (repost)

Recently on one of my statuses I wrote "I wonder why all these "holy" people spend all day in church on Sunday and raise hell Monday thru Saturday. God sees you all week u know". I just want to clear up my intentions. I am not talking about any one person in particular; I'm just speaking on my own personal experiences with church folk. You go to Sunday school at 8am, then you got first service, then second service, then you may have to go sing at another church, you don’t leave the church till 8pm. all the while you sitting there like you the holiest thing ever but when you leave that church ground, Lawd have mercy!! You using the Lord's name in vain, cursing out drivers, plucking ashes out the window, got your bottle of thunderbird waiting at home or at your mistresses house (oops, I stepped on somebody’s foot! lmaoooo)! Hanging in the bar with me, telling me I need to go to church, naw, u need to go to church. If your gonna fake it, fake it til u make it! I feel as though the sinner on the corner who never heard the Word of God is better than the person who knows the word and still does the same thing. I know you don’t join church or get saved then "poof" all of your vices are gone, but come on, how u gonna be holding church at work, screaming and shouting about how the Lord will provide and you stealing money out the register???? And that’s a true story!! These are the people who I'm talking about.

Now before I say anything else let me make it clear that I DO believe in God, I believe that Jesus died for my sins and rose again. I am not an Atheist, I am not Agnostic, I am not a 5%er, nor am I Muslim. I am a Christian. Just because I don't go to church does not mean I am not a child of God. "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." Isaiah 54:17 I have a relationship with the Lord, and he knows my heart. Nothing man can say will ever place me in Hell.

What I say may offend people, but honestly, I don't feel as though I should conform to what everyone else thinks, just because...So I apologize ahead of time for any hurt feelings or toes stepped on. I just wanted to document my journey in the church, maybe someone reading it needs to hear it, you never know. (No, I am not planning on being a preacher either, so please don't ask me lol)

Some of you may know that my mother is a Reverend and my sister is a Minister. Some of you may know that I was raised in the church. Some of you may even know that I taught Sunday School, went to Bible Study classes every week, got baptized very young, sang in the choir, and wrote church plays... all that stuff. But not many people understand why I feel the way I do about "The Church".

I came up in Central Baptist Church in Salt Point, NY under the late Rev. Melvin Jerome Roundtree. This is who baptized me. This was who I looked up to. As far as I was concerned Rev. Roundtree could do no wrong, and I don't know if he ever did. He epitomized, to me, what a Pastor was supposed to be. Always smiling. Always kind. Always supportive and even when he yelled at you, you felt the warmness. Now, Rev. was not on a pedestal, I was too young to truly understand what it meant to worship man, but looking back now I know that I did not worship him, but adored him. I point this out because I know somebody is going to say "Well, she put him on a pedestal, that’s why nobody was ever as good as him". This is not true. Rev. died yrs ago. Twenty yrs later I can still remember his sermons.

In my family there seemed to be 2 types of people. The ones who went to church regularly and the ones who didn't. My mother would go and make us go to church every Sunday. we were there on wednesdays for bible study, thursdays for choir rehearsal. we were in church more than we were home it seemed. but i always remember all of those family members who didnt go to church. most of whom have passed on now. see, most people believe if your not sitting in a church building, on your knees with a bible in hand that your not going to heaven. and there is nothing wrong with that. but now i understand that you dont have to be in a physical building to worship God and it doesnt always have to be thru public praise. All of those "sinners" in my family, my grandparents, their cousins, their friends would sit around singing sometimes. guess what they would sing, Precious Lord, Amazing Grace, I dont feel noways tired.....They may have known the Lord, but just because they weren't members of a church, they were looked at as "sinners". Now I cant say for certain where they are now, whether they're chilling or burning up lol but I can see that they had their own personal relationships with God and I can't fault them for that.

I remember we would go to gospel concerts and retreats and people would "catch the Holy Ghost" left and right, literally. It happened to me, once. The nurses would always be there to make sure the worshipper didn’t get hurt. But my understanding was that if God was making you do all that shouting and jumping around He wouldn’t let you get hurt. well, this one time we were at a concert and this lady in the row in front of me started shouting and jumping and wailing about...she fell and cracked her head on the radiator. Hmmmm.....who was she trying to fool?

When I moved to NJ we joined another church. Notice I said "We". I did not join this church on my own. My mother joined the family under "watch care". I did not like the church; I did not like the Pastor. Something just didn’t sit right with me there, but I attended because I had to. I made friends there. I sang in the choir, everything. The church was dry. I didn’t feel The Holy Spirit; I didn’t even hear a hand clap. Eventually I got to the age when I decided that I was not going to this church anymore. I switched denominations and joined another church. When I told my family that I was not going to a Baptist church you would've thought I killed Jesus himself! My sister didn’t talk to me for weeks.

Being close to someone who suddenly says they are going to be a vessel for the Lord is a hard thing to do. I don't think people realize that. See, I knew the pasts of my mother and sister. And even though my mother had been studying theology for yrs, I still knew that when she got mad she was going to curse you out. She still will but she's just nicer about it now lol I knew my sister's temper and did not understand how she could be a preacher when she's constantly saying she doesn’t like people? But as they transformed with God, I was able to see God working through them and with them. And it's true, nothing happens overnight, but I can tell you if it had not been for the Lord in their lives, mine would've been completely different, because it was them who prayed for me when refused to do it for myself.

Now this church....they sang! I mean SAAAANG!! And yall know how much I love music. I have always been ministered to thru music. I'll hear the word, I'll read the Bible, but music is where I got my blessings. Anyway, this was a musical church and I loved it, or so I thought. Until I started hearing outlandish rumors about the Pastor(s)...not just one but a few Pastors...until I started to notice things that just weren't right to me. My spirit was telling me to leave. I fought it for about 2 yrs, and then finally I left.

I was without a church home for quite awhile. But I was "grown". So I was in the streets, literally. Drinking, smoking weed, selling it, having sex, lying and stealing. Staying away from home for days at a time, only coming home to get more clothes. But the whole time I knew it was only God that kept me safe. When I tell you I am not supposed to be here today, I'm not exaggerating. It was during this time that I was almost raped (someone came into the room and stopped him), I would walk around Newark at 4 and 5 in the morning with nothing more than a pocket knife on my keychain. I was in an accident in a stolen car and had to jump out of it while the cops were still chasing us. (No, I did not know the car was stolen, another story, another time) I hung with drug dealers and criminals. Every week someone else was getting locked up. But the whole time I knew it was God.....

I would visit my family's church every now and then, especially when my mother was preaching. Well, one time, I went to church in what I had, God said come as u are, right? I didn't even own a business suit, much less a church outfit. One of the church members, I don’t remember if he was a deacon or trustee at the time, approached me. He asked me, "Where are your church clothes?" I asked him "did you buy me any?" I didn’t go back to that church for a long time.

Eventually, after I got into some trouble, u know everybody finds the Lord when they bout to die or get locked up, I went back and joined that church. I was in full force. Teaching Sunday school, attending bible study classes, singing in the choir (never mind that I can’t sing, I was singing for the Lord :D). At the time, I was with Jonathan’s father. We lived together although we were not married we had been together for yrs at this point. Well, anyway, I got pregnant. Mind you, I was teaching Sunday school and when the kids would ask me if I was married or how can I have a baby if I’m not married, I was honest with them. I would tell them that my boyfriend and I loved each other and one day we would get married but the baby came first and that they should ask their parents to explain it to them. So the elders in the church were not very happy about that. At one church meeting someone mentioned that I could not become Sunday school superintendent because I had a baby. I kindly stood up and told them "no one in this room is holier than me and some of your children are older than your marriages" and walked out. I went back once for a funeral.

Again I was without a church home and back to almost all of my old habits. I moved back in with my mother when Jonathan’s father and I split. At this time she was preaching at another church. I refused to go to this church. Why would I put myself thru getting to know people and get close to them just for them to prove their hypocrisy? At least with people who aren’t in the church u know what you’re going to get. If they get drunk, they get drunk everyday. If they smoke, they smoke everyday. I felt as though people who go to church were fronting, they sit there all day screaming shouting and crying and then talk about you or cheat on their husbands and wives or steal from their jobs.

But eventually I did visit the church, and I fell in love with the people right away. They reminded me of Rev. Roundtree and Central Baptist. Everyone was warm and friendly and loving and I have yet to see any hypocrites come out of that church. I am still in contact with a few. Not they were perfect, but they made you feel welcome. Made you feel like it doesn’t matter what you wear or who you are or how imperfect you are, they welcomed you with open arms. If my mother hadn't stopped preaching there, I would be there right now.

My reasoning for not going to church was "God said, 'where 2 or 3 are gathered' and me and my son makes 2, we'll watch BET gospel, watch a lil Joel Osteen, pass around a dollar and we had church!"

At some point, I met a man who was a 5%er. A lot of people confuse 5%er's with Muslims. The Five Percent Nation or the Nation of Gods and Earths is an offshoot of the black Muslims. It came about during the civil rights era, so a lot of the teachings focus on the "truth" of the "devil" and the "original man". Founded by Clarence 13X (called "The Father"), he was under Malcolm X then left to mosque to start the 5%. They believe that 85% or the world do not know the "truth", 15% know the "truth" but refuse to teach it and 5% know and share the "truth". Although it does not teach racism or hate, many take it that way because they don't understand it and confuse it with the Black Hebrew Israelites, the men who stand on the corner with Hebrew robes and beards denouncing Jesus. The 5% base everything on fact. Science. If it can not be proven it's not real, so with that, they believe that Jesus was actually on earth, but they do not believe in what they call "a mystery god", miracles or the resurrection. But they also equate humans with Nature. The men call themselves gods, because they are the sole master and control of their universe (their family). The women are called earths, because the earth rotates around the sun (the man) and is the only planet to give life. It is actually very interesting. I actually learned a lot about myself by studying the lessons. As my boyfriend would talk about certain things I would ask him where he got that from, then I'd research it. I'm not going to go into the teachings, but I feel like everyone should study different religions, whether you practice them or not. I also studied the Muslim religion, Garveyites, Jews, and Hindus....anything I could get my hands on. I would take 10 books out of the library at a time.

The church where my family goes now is a good church, they just take too long! I visit when the kids are dancing or my sister is preaching or there is a play. I've even written plays for them and helped with wigs and costumes. Yes, there are people in this church that rub me the wrong way, and if it wasn’t for embarrassing my family, id curse them out. But, overall, it’s a great church, with a great Pastor and Pastoral staff. If they could start a little later and not have that one person talk so long (not the Pastor either, Mommy and Tiffani know who I'm talking bout lol) maybe I would join. But now I wait for the Lord to move me, I don’t just join because everyone else did.
(since the original post, I have joined this church and now teach Sunday school and help with the drama ministry)


Eventually I hope to find a church home, but im not rushing it. I'd rather not have a church home and be a freelance Christian, than to be at the wrong church. I think the worst thing you can do is kill someone spiritually. “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” Luke 18:16. Every time you tell a little kid they cant join church cause they’re too young and don’t understand, or you drive a teenager away from church when that may be the only safe place they have to go, or when a visitor comes to your church and you tell them, “nah uh, that’s my seat” or “you cant wear that in here”. You never know what people are going thru or who they are. Leviticus 19:18 says “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.”

so when people judge me because I have 2 children with 2 different Fathers, I tell them “you know why? Because the first one used to beat me and I would die before I ever had another child with him”. When people tell me, you have tattoos, you must be a bad girl, I tell them “Africans have used tattoos for centuries essentially for the medicinal and spiritual qualities and each one of my tattoos represents a different time in my life and the changes that I made”. When someone tells me you are abusing your body by smoking and drinking and having sex, I tell them “you’re right, but I still have a lot of growing to do and right now this is how I cope with the stress and drama from my past and in my life”. When they tell me, you need to pray on it. I tell them “how do you know I haven’t already prayed on it. Yes God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO” and when they tell me, your going to Hell because you don’t know the Lord, I tell them, (sometimes nicely, sometimes not so nicely, depending on my mood) "you don’t know Who I know or how I know


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For my sons or don't screw up like I did (Repost from facebook)

I have failed at more than you ever thought to try. I've loved and lost, hurt so much i thought i'd die.

I dropped outta school cuz i didn't make the grades, returned 2 yrs later and i got straight a's.

I've shamed my family and i've shamed myself. I've felt a heartbreak that never should be felt.

There were times when i thought i'd never make it home. Only God kept me while on those streets i'd roam.

I've done some bad things no one would ever think i'd do. But i have no regrets cuz in the end i got u.

I been there and done that, ur pain is nothing new. But u don't need to go thru what i already been thru.

Baby i know life is hard, its like that for everyone but ur life will be better because u are my son.

Don't do what i did it was wrong u see. I want u to be better than me.

I got this job with no warning, husband or plan. I'm not the best but i do the best that i can.

When i leave this world and my work is done they will say she did 2 things right, she had her sons.


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I had a dream...

I have the strangest almost, prophetic dreams. I've dreamed of family members that died years ago, I've had dreams of my cousins future. Dreams that have made me wake up crying and ones that have made me wake up laughing. In the past 24 hrs I've had 3 dreams about my family. The first one, my uncle, cousin and myself were out at a sushi restaurant and a young girl at another table said something slick to my uncle and me and my cousin ended up fighting the girl. The second one, my other cousin and my mother were coaches of a high school basketball team. Innocent enough right? Well, the last one spooked me right out of my sleep..... My mother, sons, niece's grandfather, and I were in my house. My mother was cooking and the boys were running around. Papi was fixing a light bulb and was sweeping a bulb he had dropped. He placed the broom and dustpan against the wall and went into the kitchen with my mother. Here's the spooky part, my mother came out of her room, took the broom and dustpan and sat on her bed! When papi came back, looking for the broom, he looked in mothers room and saw her on the bed. This was her ghost!
My real mother was in the kitchen. I yelled to her "
Ma, u got a ghost in here" she said, "I know. Don't look at her, you'll connect her with me. ". Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! I don't think i ever woke up so quick! Lmao I need to get somebody to interpret these things.


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I'm not a mommy I just happen to have kids

Well, I usually work on Saturdays but there was supposed to be a huge snowstorm.....there's no snow. But I already called out and the boys are here with me so I guess we'll be spending the day together. Which is fine, for the first 2 hrs lol then we'll be on each others nerves. Hopefully the lil tax right offs won't annoy me too much, I hate yelling at them but at least they don't get beatings or spankings. Mainly cause im afraid ill hurt them. I have a terrible temper. But, Shoot, the stuff they get away with, I'd never THINK about doing. I told Jonathan that the only reason he gets away with shit is cause I have a bad memory and I forget that I punished him. It's true. I just did it last night, he decided to huff and puff when ma asked him to do something and instead of throwing him out the window I told him to go to his room, I forgot to tell him no toys lol I swear I'm not a mommy I just happen to have kids lol. Love him to death but I tell you one day I'm gonna knock him out! He got too much of his father in him. Thinking the world revolves around him and what's important to him. I even told Jonathan to go live with his father, am I mean? I don't care. I will not be on Maury talking about I'm afraid of my own kid! I brought him in this world and I'll take him out and make another one that looks just like him! Jonathan tells me I'm crazy all the time. Lol good! That means he'll never know when I'll snap and pop his ass! That's how I like it! More kids need to be afraid of their parents. Shit, I'm 35 and I still flinch when my mother walks in the room! Lmao! All these psychologists and doctors say "you must respect your children in order for them to respect you" bullshit! Fear lasts way longer than respect! Now don't get me twisted, I respect my kids, I love and adore them, I make sure they get way more love than I ever did growing up but I'll be damned if I let them grow up running wild and making me nervous. Anyway, I hear one of the children of the corn waking up now......I'll holla, peace!





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Yup, that's my life

Ok so I decided to finally get this blog going, at the urge of a high school friend, and the shit falls apart lol i turned the computer on this morning and everything on the screen is HUGE! I play with it for a few hrs then all of a sudden the shit is small as hell in the middle of the screen! WTF? So needless to say I had a few cigarettes today and yelled a lil more than necessary, poor babies. I really don't want to buy a new computer right now, and honestly can't afford it. Maybe I'll just get an external hard drive, save all my pictures, documents and music and reinstall windows. This sucks. Ugh! Aight, time for the kids to get ready for bed.....I'll holla


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Welcome

Hey you!
Welcome to my first blog!! Let me give you a brief, kinda, intro to myself....I was born and raised in Poughkeepsie, NY. Moved to New Jersey in the 10th grade (1989) and been STUCK here ever since lol. I have 2 beautiful sons, Jonathan Chan (8 yrs) and Justice Michael Anthony (almost 2yrs). I am currently a part-time hairdresser and full time mom. I love my family & friends and hate drama. my dad is from trelawny, jamaica and i wish i could meet more of my family from that side. i have my own personal relationship with God and we good, son!!! i absolutely love doing hair and maintaining healthy hair especially dredlocks, but i hate going to work. I love trivia, im like a black female cliff claven. i am a history buff. and when i watch movies set in ancient times, i look for digital watches and airplanes. yeah im a little geeky too. i claim people, quick. toni braxton? cousin. al green? uncle. patti labelle? aunt. chris brown? nephew. i love love love old school hip hop and if i could rap i'd bust a rhyme right now. rakim the god is my first husband. redman is my second and t.i. is my third. I am very comfortable with my body and hate when people try to force me to lose weight, stop smoking or stop drinking. i know its gonna kill me, we all gotta go sometime, i might as well be happy and drunk. I love my kids, nieces, nephew and lil cousins to death. but i cant stand kids and they know it so they push my buttons on purpose. I am a scorpio to the heart, The Intense One. Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser . Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self- centered at times. Passionate and Emotional. i love everyone, because God said i have to, but he didnt say i had to like anybody. that includes you. ;) Thank you for checking me out and i hope to keep you just a little interested. lol later.....