Sink or swim

I feel like im sinking. Like the waves are crashing over my head and everytime i come up for air another tide comes in and pushes me backwards. Have you ever tried to run in an ocean? You try to jump over the waves but you can never get high enough. You try to swim back to shore but youre not fast enough. You try to brace yourself and stand against the force of the water but it hurts so bad when it crashes into you. Finally you just give up and give in. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, say your prayers and just let it take you under.

I need to get some shit off my chest, but I'm not ready just yet. I know keeping it bottled up isn't good for me. But if I write it or say it out loud right now I might lose it! All I know is that going through all of this without any cigarettes, without any liquor, without anyone to talk to is driving me nuts. Somethings gotta give, like now.

I so much hate the struggle. It's like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. I can't be happy. I can't succeed. I am really trying my best to be a good mother, a good employee, a good businesswoman, a good daughter, sister, a good sometime part time homey lover friend. And nothing is appreciated.

I don't know. I'm praying everything will work out. I have faith that one day my ship will finally come in. That one day i will just let the tide carry me where im supposed to be. I'm just glad I know how to tread water.