Daddy's Girl

I'm sitting here thinking how different my life wouldve been had I just did one wrong thing when I was younger. I definitely had the propensity to be a gun toting thug. Or a junkie. Either way.

Growing up in Eastman wasn't the best time for me. My mother worked 2 and 3 jobs just to keep a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. She kept us active in church so we wouldn't get into trouble. When my father wasn't in jail he would be home on "disability". I have never met a jamaican who wouldn't keep a job lol.

While he would be home he'd be getting high, right in front of us. And telling me i was fat, ugly and lazy and i was just like my mother. I knew he hated my mother, so if i was just like her, then he hated me too right? But i would do anything for my father, because i am his oldest child and thats my job. To help mommy and daddy.



There were times when someone I went to school with would be at the door, not for me, but because they sold drugs for my father. On top of all this he had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. There were so many times I had to run to a neighbors house and call the cops. Scared to death that he would not catch me. Or worse that someone wouldn't talk about it at school. One time after my mother got off the bus to work a kid sitting across from me said "her husband beat the shit outta her last night". I'll never forget that.

By the time I was 9 I could tell the difference between a "dime" and a "nick". If I ask my 8 yr old for a dime he'll go in his pocket and hand me a dime. By 10 I knew how to cook up. And had seen a prisoner get a blow job during one of our visits to see daddy. By 12 I was carrying guns for my father. He'd say, if the DT's stopped and searched him they wouldn't find anything on him. He taught me how to steal, how to fight with weapons....not ur typical father daughter relationship. But I loved him anyway, I still do. Regardless of what he did, who he was, he's my daddy.

Throughout my life I've done some terrible things. I was never pretty enough or skinny enough to be a drug dealers girlfriend. So I did for myself. I was young and stupid, part of me proving to daddy and every other man that i was just strong and tough as they were. Partly just rebelling against my mother but Mainly because I'm obsessed with the lifestyle my father led, even though I know the outcome. I know daddy's story, I've watched carlito's way, and American Gangster so many Times I know it by heart. I can watch for hours on end movies about gangsters and the mafia. And don't let there be a woman running things!! When I saw La Bella Mafia you couldn't tell me nothing!! Lol Maybe because I always wondered, what if....would i have been successful? Not if, but how long would i have been locked up? When would i have died? all it would take is one wrong turn.

I haven't seen my father since 1989. His actions got him deported and yes I do miss him. Despite the fits of rage, the drugs, the affairs, the prison time away from us I still remember the good times we had. How happy I was when we came home and he was sitting there after coming home from jail. I still write to him and hopefully I'll go visit him soon. But I thank God for my mother and her parents who kept us from making that one wrong move. I can't speak for my brother or sister but as for myself, growing up in that enviroment, with those circumstances and my mentality it seriously couldve gone in an entirely different direction.

So many people glamorize the lifestyle of a hustler that if you are weak you will fall prey to it. But you have to remember that every gangster movie has a terrible ending. Scarface dies, Frank Lucas is broke, Guy Fisher is in jail for life. No good comes of it.

Gangster movies will probably still be one of my favorite genres but now that I'm older I won't look to them for inspiration but entertainment only. And I can teach my kids better than daddy taught me. Cuz when you know better you do better.


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