Respect me!

Why should I care how u feel? Do you care about how I feel? Do you worry if what you just said hurt me? Or what you just did, how it's effecting me? Or do you think ignoring me is ok? What if I was dying? What if something happened to your son, again? And you just don't feel like answering. How about just once when I ask a question that you fucking answer my emails? It's really not that hard. Or what if next time you have a party or event or baby being born or somebody die or go to the hospital or sell something I don't support you, I won't be there cuz u don't support me!

It may seem from the outside that I get respect, that people care how I feel. But it's not true.iT's mostly my fault. I had such low low self esteem that I let people walk all over me for years. Keeping all my emotions inside until I exploded and hurt somebody or broke something. Contributing to my heart condition and my cigarette and alcohol addictions. From my kids, their fathers, my mother, my job, my family and friends, I can probably count on one hand the people who actually respect me.

The kids are probably just being kids. I know that. But sometimes it gets so bad that I just cry cause they won't listen to me and I have no help. I don't let them see me cry of course but I have a terrible temper and I know if I touch them I'll hurt them. Their fathers? Fuhgettaboutit!!! One is so hell bent on making my life miserable that he goes out of his way to disrespect me. The other one is a natural jerkoff and doesn't realize what he does until I tell him.
My mother has been hurt so much that she turns her emotions off. I've literally come to her and told her I was depressed and wanted to end it all and she told me to "get over it". I've never heard her say she loves me or is proud of me. It may be true but I'm an emotional person and I need to hear it.
At work, people seem to think I'm still an assistant, even though I've been there for 5-1/2 yrs and a stylist for way over 4 yrs.
I have friends and family, probably you, who only are available when they need me. I can send emails and texts all day about reunions and get togethers and party invitations and I get no response. But as soon as they have something they need me to support all of a sudden aol is working and verizons towers are clear.

I'm so afraid of confrontation that I don't say anything when I feel disrespected. I don't know how to communicate. In my house growing up we didn't talk, we fought. So I think if I say something in gonna have to fight. Verbally or physically and I don't want to go there just cause I feel slighted. If i wait until i calm down enough to talk without getting excited, either i forget what pissed me off in the first place or i feel like its a waste of time to say something. Like I said, I know it's my fault. But what can I do? Either start speaking up or be a bitch or blog lmao so we'll see.


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