With both of my boys i had to have c-sections and they were both very stressful pregnancies and surgeries. I recently started thinking about trying to have a girl, even though i never really wanted a girl, but i guess because im getting older she keeps popping in my head. i mentioned this imaginary daughter to a friend of mine and he told me "you're damn near 40 why would you want a baby? And then all your kids will have different fathers!" he doesn't know it but that really hurt me. i know im the first one to proclaim a fight with any child but i really do love children. (Don't tell them that) and i guess since i've had so much trouble, i just want one blissful, drama free pregnancy. Or at least one where someone will give me a seat on the bus.
with Jonathan i was being abused throughout the pregnancy. My pressure was high. I was on bedrest from 6 months. And when i was 8 months pregnant the doctors decided it was time for Jay to come out. I didnt want a cesaeran. But after, i honestly dont know how many hrs, with no progress and my sickness (HELLP Syndrome) setting in and making me sicker, i had no choice.i was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia but by the time i was strapped up to the machines and ready to deliver my pressure kept rising, but my blood platelets were dropping in addition to my liver being effected. If i had given natural birth, they told me there was a chance I'd bleed to death, because they may not be able to control the blood. I was heartbroken. I felt like less of a mother because i didn't push him out. During the surgery, his father didnt hold my hand, he didnt stroke my hair, he didnt kiss me, he didnt even look at me. I was in and out of conscienceness due to all the medication. All i remember is hearing my firstborn cry, then waking up in the recovery room. I couldn't breastfeed him because i still had so many drugs in my system, i was afraid it would pass through my milk. I cant even tell u to this day what time he was born without looking on his birth certificate. I dont know how long i labored before they decided to cut me. thats how much drugs were in me! Then he developed jaundice and had to stay in the hospital. that was the only time i cried, when the doctor told me he wasnt going home with me. (It was only one extra day, but it felt like forever) His great grandmother told me that it was my fault he had jaundice because i didnt breastfeed him. Talk about guilt! when he finally did come home, i never got the chance to bond with him. I had serious complications with my incision, one day, while trying to scoot back on the bed i popped a staple. And thank God i did! I went to the dr, bleeding like a stuck pig, and she found a blood clot the size of a sausage in there! After that my incision had to be left open and stuffed with gauze. I was literally walking around with my stomach wide open! I had to have a nurse come twice a day and clean out my wound and re-stuff me. It was scary as hell! I couldnt even pick my baby up. My mother, brother and his father had to do everything for me. We never got the mom and baby time. as soon as i was well i had to go back to work and he was in daycare from the time he was 6 wks old. I never got to bond with my baby.
Now Justice was a different story. With him i wasnt being abused physically but i had absolutely no support. everyone wanted me to have an abortion, i was threatened by Jonathans father that he was gonna kick me in my stomach. Justice's father didnt talk to me until i was 5 months pregnant, once i told him he was having a son. before that time, i was told my one of the doctors in the practice that i had a miscarriage and needed a D&C because they couldnt find his heartbeat. I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and made a deal with God that if he let my baby be healthy i'd give him back to him. obviously they found his heartbeat but then other problems arose. because of the complications i had with Jay the original ob/gyn wanted me to have an amnio and if i decided to keep the baby i was told id still probably have to have another surgery. I started bleeding in my 7th month and had to run more tests. I went on bedrest in my 8th month this time. We had a scheduled c-section so i wasnt too shocked. But his father wasnt there. He dropped me off at the hospital and said "call me when the boy gets here". My sister was in the delivery room with me. the surgery was quick and i was awake for the whole thing. I went in at 10am and Justice was here at 10:56am. I was able to see him, i was able to kiss him, i told him "welcome to the world Mookie. I fight kids!" i took pics with him. when i recovered i tried breastfeeding but he wouldnt latch on. But i tried. I wasnt groggy or high or hopped up on painkillers. He slept in the room with me majority of the night. I was strong enough to take care of him. When we got home was the only time i cried with him. I was in so much pain and his father kept forgetting my percosets prescription. I was alone with him and his brother. Because Jonathans father was trying to make my life miserable and Justice's father wasnt being bothered, i had to bring my baby on crowded buses to bring Jay to school before Justice was even a week old. He stayed in that kangaroo pouch on my chest for a good 3 months. I bonded with Justice because i had no other choice. I took the summer off from work so that i could spend more time with big brother. I didnt want him feeling neglected because of the new baby. Justice has never been to daycare, because i couldnt afford it. I dont work in the same industry and just couldnt handle the weekly payments alone. He's been home with me his whole life. the same friend who asked about me having a baby at 40 tells me 'u baby that boy, he's too big for that!" when i say i still rock him to sleep. Like clockwork, at 9:30 Justice climbs in my lap and i lull him to sleep. Yeah he gets babied cuz he wasnt supposed to be here but he is!
As much as i dont like kids, apparently they dont like me either cuz they keep trying to kill me during my pregnancies lol yeah pregnancy sucks! having your stomach cut open twice sucks. Healing from a c-section with ur belly wide open or no pain killers sucks monkey balls! But if i could do it right, just once.....just one time where i can enjoy the pleasures of growing a person....the attention...being able to eat whatever i want...the maternity clothes...feeling ur baby have the hiccups or seeing ur belly poke when he stretches....knowing your baby's sleeping habits before you can see his face.....just one more chance.
But then again, i AM almost 40. I already have 2 different baby daddys. (Who both haved stepped up and take excellent care of their sons) I'm already judged and criticized and been made into another negative stereotyped statistic. I guess ME having a baby doesnt fit into what SOCIETY thinks I should do....
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