Fuck Love, I'm tired of trying

I hate being a female! I hate being emotional! I hate caring! I hate falling in love! why? Because it never works out for me. I'm not saying that I won't find Mr.Right someday. But I haven't yet. And frankly, I'm getting tired of trying. Everytime I think he might be the one, he fucks up. Or maybe it's me, i dont know.

I'll admit, I am not the easiest person to get along with. As a friend, yeah, i'm great! lol but as a girlfriend? not so much. See, when I love, I love hard! I mean, I have literally given all that I've had to make sure whoever he is, is happy. I mean, I give up money, my heart, my emotions, I give him absolutely everything. Because I honestly believe that a man is the head of the family. and when I love someone, even in a friendship, i consider that person family. So I feel as though the head of the family, the man should respect the woman and she should uplift the man.... Now herein lies the problem, lol because I would be uplifting but not getting the respect.

And i know it's not always because the man is a jackass from the beginning. Although, quite a few times, that was the case. But I know I can push men away very easily. I tend to become overly protective, which somehow always comes off as jealousy lmao! I also become quite combative when I don't feel as though I'm getting the respect that I deserve. That part I blame on my parents. We grew up in a fighting household. And after my first school fight, which happened to be with a boy, my father told me to wait 2 weeks, when the boy wasn't thinking about it and then smack him with a 2x4! (Thank God I didnt listen to him lol) but I never really was taught how to love. Everything was always a fight.

On top of everything else, I'm a big ass crybaby! This is why I dont argue. Because once i started getting emotional people take it as a sign of weakness, instead of what it really is, a warning. If I start crying, look out! Cause my next move is to pick up a bottle, a shoe or a 2x4 and smack somebody! lol I laugh now, cause when I sit back and watch my actions, I can see how animated and over the top and entertaining I can be. But when I'm in the midst of it, the shit is not funny to me at all.

But anyway, Because of my own actions, and because I have a habit of picking assholes over nice guys all the time (another blog for another day) I always end up by myself. Alone. Lonely.

And I know, I have my kids, but its not the same thing. Sometimes, I just want someone to be there to hold me at night, to hold my hand in the movies, to tell me they love me, and mean it. BUt I havent had that in a long time. And the sad part is that I've gotten used to my life this way.

Yes, it's great not to NEED a man for anything. I dont have to answer any questions, dont have to explain anything. but I''m tired of one night love affairs and lowering my standards just to have an inkling of romance for a few minutes.

So, yeah, Fuck Love.....hopefully Mr. Right will come along before my heart complete turns to stone.