Come back to Jamaica

So, my dad called from Jamaica early sunday morning....I'm always happy to talk to my father, because now that he's getting older and i've matured (somewhat) I really want to have a relationship with him outside of all the abuse and drama of the past. Well, on sunday i got a chance to talk to my 9 yr old Sister, Chantal. She has such a soft voice and such a strong accent, all i could do was smile while i was on the phone with her. I love how she says my name! She sounds so sweet. And my oldest son Jonathan had just woke up and came into the room when the phone rang, so he was able to speak to my father and his aunt for the very first time. His face just lit up!

He has never met my father, never spoken to him, never even seen a picture, but he loves his "Grandpoppy" just like he raised him. Jonathan has asked why he wasn't around, and I am always honest with my kids. I told him, Grandpoppy wasn't a very nice man when he was younger and he was really mean to Mema. He wasn't a citizen of this country so when Grandpoppy got into really big trouble they sent him back to Jamaica and he can't come see us, so maybe one day we'll go to see him. About every month or so, Jonathan asks "when we are we going to see Grandpoppy?" lol

About 2 weeks ago, my father's other son, Avery called as well. Again, it was Jonathan and Justice's first time talking to him. It was so cute, because anyone who knows Justice, knows he hasn't perfected his pronunciation yet. He has a few words that he says extrememly clearly, like, "No","Eat","Pee","Cece" and "Addie" and can sing more clearly than he will speak. But when he got on the phone with my brother he said clear as day "Hi Uncle Avery!!" Avery's picture is hanging up in my living room, so my boys know what he looks like.

I haven't seen him since he was about 2. We kinda just wrote him off because he was a child from outside of my mother and father's marriage. My brother Harold hasn't even acknowledged Avery Or my dad as being in existence, much less being blood relatives. My sister and I have forgiven Daddy and accepted our brother and sister, but I sense even she has her reservations about the situation.

Avery is one year older than Harold and he hasn't seen our father since he was about 3 either. We always tend to forget that, it's not that Daddy abandoned any of us, he was deported and didn't have a chance to bond with his sons. And neither Avery nor Chantal asked to be in this situation anymore than Harold, Tiffani or myself did. Why should I punish my blood for something they had no control over?

Like I said, Harold doesnt talk about Daddy, Avery, Chantal, not even the country of Jamaica. So he and I have never had a heartfelt conversation about it, like I have had with Tiffani and Avery. And I completely understand why he feels the way he does. I cant speak for him, at all but i know how i felt all of those years. Hopefully, one day he'll come around and at least be willing to write them.

Avery is so much like Harold it's scary. (Aside from the criminal aspects) They both look just like my father, except Avery is lighter. They both rap. They're both cocky. (Avery told me that his brother can't see him on the mic) And they both are very loving and protective. Especially of me. I can almost guarantee that if Avery was home, he and Harold would be best friends, I promise you. Avery wants so bad to be in touch with Harold, but he understands why Harold won't allow it. He sounds so broken when he talks about what could have been with Harold. He even boasts to the other prisoners about his lil brother that's he's never seen.

It hurts my heart to know that I may never see my (half)brother. Because of whatever actions he made, he may be in prison for a long time and I dont visit jail. Especially if i'd have to travel 4 or 5 hrs to do it. But I make sure that i write to him and accept his calls.

I try to respect my mother by not talking to her about my father and his kids. When Avery was first trying to get in contact with us through my Uncle Jonah and cousin Brian, I sat down with my mother and asked her how she felt about it. She said it doesnt matter to her if I contacted him, but I really have the feeling that she feels some type of way about it. And can anyone blame her?

My father asked me to write a letter to the department of immigration asking for him to have a temporary visa so that he can come and visit us. Part of me wanted to tell him, "get the fuck outta here" because, even though I forgave him, I cannot forget what he put our family through. But then again part of me wants to see him, hug him, laugh with him, go out to lunch, take care of him, be his daughter. I dont know what I should do.

I dont want to disrespect my mother. I dont want to disrespect my father either, but when it comes down to it, my mother has always been my dad so she gets 2 votes. No matter how much it hurts me, she comes first. So, I'm saving up for my trip to Jamaica next year....