The shop is closed!

First thing ppl say when I tell them.i.just had a hysterectomy is ”good for you! No more periods!”

Yes that is the best part!!! No more pain from cramps, no more pads, tampons, period panties, praying  it comes while im at home so I dont bleed through my clothes, asking my sister and nieces ”check my butt for me”, headaches, swollen titties, tight fitting clothes, emotional rampages....yes....no period is the best part!!! But..... The best always has a worst side

About 6 or 7 months ago I had cramps so bad I had to call out of work...(I dont do that) I laid in the fetal postion of my bed for the entire morning. Finally I felt a lil better, stood up to get dressed and the pain shot thru me again, forcing me back on the bed in tears. I had never had cramps this bad. Over the next few days the pain subsided little by little. The next month the same thing happened but the pain took longer to go away. I made an appointment to see Dr Bridges (my ob/gyn for the past 12 yrs). after meeting with her it was determined that my fibroids had probably grown and after a ”few” tests and because of my medical background ”down there” I would be a candidate for a hysterectomy. My first thought...”yes!!! No more periods!”

with my first son I developed preeclampsia which turned to toxemia which progressed to HELLP syndrome. after hrs of induced labor with no progression I had to have a c section. After being home a few days a stitch popped and going back to the doctor they found a blood clot the size of a sausage. I was not stitched back up, instead i.was sent home with an open wound, stuffed with gauze pads like a Thanksgiving turkey. For 6 Weeks I had a nurse come to my house twice a day and change my dressing until my abdomen healed, layer by layer. So no question, the doctor didn't want to take any chances with my second son and my pressure so I had a scheduled c section this time. Unfortunately I wasn't able to recover properly because I had to still get my oldest to school eveeyday.... Nobody helped me, so at less than a week old I covered my baby, put him in a carrier and took my c  sectioned belly and got on a public, germ filled bus....btw, with no pain killers BC his father ”forgot” to get my prescription.

I wasnt bothered at first about not being able to have more children...I didnt ”want” the 2 that I have. They just showed up. Everything seemed perfect at first. Then those FEW tests kept mutiplying. More ailments popped up during each one... My pressure was skyrocketing, mind u I was dealing with my fathers illnesses as well and stressing BC I cant get to him. I was checked for enlarged heart, blood clots, had to do a stress test, gave more blood than I did with either of my pregnancies...the whole time, im still trying to maintain who I am and still be Mommy.

My energy dwindled a lil everyday. I stopped being active, I couldn't do anything but rest. Not even sleep. At this time I was in pain almost everyday, not only during that time of month. I would be in the middle of doing someones hair and have to sit down. The doctor gave me a prescription but it didnt stop the pain. Oddly enough, the only time it stopped was when I had a cigarette. I guess because it constricted the blood flow and the fibroids weren't being ”fed”.

People were talking....people always talk but suddenly I was a topic...not because of my mouth this time but people questioned my health. ”if she's sick why is she out?” So I stopped going out. Then even ppl who were supposed to be close to me questioned me. How do u explain to someone that yes I look healthy on the outside but I hurt inside? That majority of this process is emotional....im throwing away what makes me a woman. God created me and by no fault of my own I now have to be recreated..and still smile for the cameras, still crack jokes, still ”be” happy....even when you're depressed as shit!!!

As the time neared for this operation I would cry for days on end.... How am I going to take care of my kids? Im a hairdresser, I dont have disability insurance, I am not on welfare, I am the soul parent and my mother, who helps me tremendously, is on a fixed income. Then, out of nowhere, I realized I would never never never have another child. If I ever get married, thats one thing I can never give my husband. I fell into a deeper depression, so I started to drink more....but in my house, out of the public eye. I switched from my usual bud ice to sangria thinking it was healthier. So I drank alot more, just to get tipsy. Luckily,im told im a happy fun drunk.

Everything u can think of ran thru my head over those next few Weeks. My mother wakes up during her surgeries...what if that happens to me and I freak out on the table. What if I get a blood clot and it travels and I die. what if they cut my bladder and I get infected. What if my pressure drops and I bleed out.....what if....what if....WHAT IF!!! This was my first major surgery, outside of my 2 cesareans. But the difference was I got a baby out of those. I was shook!!! Nervous as hell!!

The morning of the surgery I was fine, to my surprise. I had learned by this time that alot of women in my family (and friends) had hysterectomies for the same reason. I came to terms with the fact that I will never have a daughter. I even accepted that I am still a woman, Even without my womanly parts. I had lived with this pain for 7 months now and I was ready for it to end!!

My mother prayed over me one last time as they unlocked the brakes and rolled me to be prepped for surgery. The anesthesiologist stuck me in either side of my stomach with these long ass needles...that pain was worse than the fibroid pain. I signed the document saying I understood that I was having a supracervical hysterectomy and I will not bare children, they put the oxygen mask on me and I was out....

When I opened my eyes my best friends, my sister and my mother were right there. As I started my recovery I felt like I was getting my strength back. But I still took my time. Until I got home. My nieces, who were going to help me take care of the boys and the house, were stuck at their house. So I had to be Mommy. With a freshly stitched abdomen I had to fix beds, air conditioners, cook, clean and still had yet to even make a bowel movement. With all the,moving and lifting I ended up popping. I noticed some blood at my incision, but it wasnt alot, so I just rested. But I bled the entire weekend, not realizing how serious it was. Finally I went to the doctor who of course yelled at me. A portion of my incision now has to close on its own (yes, I have a open wound...again).  I am now confined to my bed other than showering and using the bathroom. Ive been following her orders. and im not in as much pain (until the nighttime). But I keep reminding myself, there's alot going on down there. It took God 9 months to build me...its gonna take more than 2 Weeks for me to get back together. They put u on 4-8 Weeks recovery for a reason, and its not because u deserve a vacation!

As of today I am 11 days post op. My multiple fibroids coupled with abnormal uterine tissue is the reason for all the pain I was in.

My customers are calling to see when I will be back and My landlord is calling to see when I will pay the rent. I want to heal...I want to stay on bedrest....I want to follow the doctors orders but what am I supposed to do. So although this shop is closed....ill probably see u IN the shop in about a week or two. these bills dont give a damn if I popped a stitch or if my fallopian tubes are swinging from my vagina....they just want their money.

And as I sit here day by day, the calls slow down..they stop promising to visit. They dont even text anymore. Its back to life as usual for everybody else.....and im stuck here alone. ....